One More Year?

[kovu]

So, this will be somewhat of a story thread. Or a vent thread? I haven't assigned a specific prefix because I'm unsure what's more fitting. Anyway, this is just me pondering how to proceed with my life as I've reached another weird crossroads-like point.

I'll begin with the premise: I've been thinking about ctbing within the month as, after July, I'll have to move back in with my mother temporarily (the date of my choosing would've most likely been the 26th). Alas, thanks to my current living situation, which isn't really permissive of ctbing, I've been thinking about holding on for a bit longer (probably one year). Because, of course, I don't want to kill myself back home either (for practically the exact reason I don't want to live there again: my mother has more than enough mental problems of her own. I don't want to live near that again, and I don't want to add to it either by ctbing there).

Now, given that ctbing would be pretty tricky and somewhat impossible after I move back home, I thought I'd try to get another job so I can afford to move out and live entirely independently (I have a roommate right now). Then, I'd have a nice spot to ctb. Also, time to acquire SN, perhaps? Though I'll most likely stick to partial hanging. Anyway, a hotel room would probably serve the same purpose. Still, I'm having trouble beating my SI, and I hope for another impulsivity spur as the last time I attempted, which would make a hotel room moot. And, to add to that, here comes another thing I've been struggling with: I haven't tried any therapy, etc., yet.

I honestly don't think much of it, but offing oneself is the end. I believe one should be confident of one's conviction to end one's life; how can I think that and not even try the most obvious route to...betterment? I don't think that's the right word because life isn't necessarily better than death, but yeah. Now the problem with this is that I'd have to get a therapy spot, and my as-of-now self-diagnosed social anxiety goes so far as to render me incapable of paying at the cash register at the supermarket. I always have a friend do it for me (my roommate and driver). And getting a spot would (social-anxiety-related because finding a therapist who's willing to take you on is complicated enough on its own) be the least of my concerns. How do you even open up about your childhood sexual abuse? About your suicidal thoughts and the several dozen cuts on your thighs? About the fact that you can't even crawl out of bed most days?

But let's ignore that for a moment. My plan now is basically to either (1) be a terrible human being and kill myself while in my current living situation or (2) hold on for another year of trying and, during that year: move back home, get a job, move out, try to get therapy and, well...try to be happy? Try to work out all the issues plaguing my mind? Try to find friends for once in my life? And, if that doesn't work out, kill myself. This time, with absolute certainty. And my own cosy spot to do it.

I don't know why I wrote this post, and I think it's hard to read/follow, but I believe both options will most likely end the same way, and...I don't know. Maybe it's because I've been thinking about ctbing on the 26th, but I've been feeling especially lonely as of late. I don't have any friends or someone with whom I can confide. This forum's the only place I can talk about this. I apologise for boring everyone who read this. Thanks, SaSu.

 

[GreenBanana23]

I unfortunately don't have a right answer for you. The fact of the matter is we simply must do what feels right. The issue with this is we will never know whether what feels right is the right answer. We have to make up our own terms to do what we need for ourselves in this world. People, in your exact situation, would all have a different take. Some would say "fuck it" and CTB while at your mother's. Some would say "who cares" and CTB despite having a roommate. Many would argue that it's okay because the person did what they needed while others would say it's immoral because others were vaguely involved. Some might spend less than a year and get the bare minimum amount of money to get away from people to CTB. Some would try to get better.
I know I basically just repeated your options to you but I really don't know your values or your feelings so I cannot possibly tell you what feels right. All I can do is talk through your thoughts with you. Hopefully this is an okay response for you :)

 

[kovu]

I unfortunately don't have a right answer for you. The fact of the matter is we simply must do what feels right. The issue with this is we will never know whether what feels right is the right answer. We have to make up our own terms to do what we need for ourselves in this world. People, in your exact situation, would all have a different take. Some would say "fuck it" and CTB while at your mother's. Some would say "who cares" and CTB despite having a roommate. Many would argue that it's okay because the person did what they needed while others would say it's immoral because others were vaguely involved. Some might spend less than a year and get the bare minimum amount of money to get away from people to CTB. Some would try to get better.
I know I basically just repeated your options to you but I really don't know your values or your feelings so I cannot possibly tell you what feels right. All I can do is talk through your thoughts with you. Hopefully this is an okay response for you :)

I know you're right--everyone has to carve their own path per their own personal opinions and values. The problem is that I feel like my mind's divided into two different persons (and some grey space in between). Some days I'm just one insult away from killing myself right away, even though I'm living with the only person I'd consider somewhat of a friend (and in a house his family owns, so double bad). Then, the next day, I feel like I could live for another decade--get that therapy spot, work on my social skills, get back into reading and writing, etc. You know? Like a pendulum, alternating between two extremes makes it hard to settle with either option.

There's tons more I'd like to say right now, but I don't want to be rude and unload all my burdens onto you. (Like I didn't just do that with this post). Anyway, thanks for reading all this. I hope you're doing better.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward, good luck.