One month on the psych ward - vent

[ForeverCaHa]

I haven't posted here in a while, but here I am again.

Yesterday marked exactly one month since I was moved into a psychiatric unit following a failed CTB plan. I can't say it's helped me much. The room is designed very well to stop suicide attempts, but this just makes me view it as a challenge. It's like a puzzle box, and I've found so many ways that (theoretically) it would be possible to end my life in here. Of course, it would be risky since I'm on 15 minute observations, but it's still possible. Whether or not I actually make an attempt while in here is yet to be seen. Either way, I really don't think it's helping me at all. Being surrounded by people in severe mental distress all day every day doesn't make for a healthy environment. I've fallen back into regular self-harm. I feel like being able to conceal my 'tool' in the room without it being found (I'm on daily room sweeps after several bedsheet/pillow case nooses were found) is a way to get power over the nurses. I know this isn't a healthy way to view my stay here, but that's where I'm at. One of the other patients has dubbed me the "King of Room Sweeps" due to my always being able to find successful hiding spots for banned items. That's not a title I ever expected to be given.

They've removed the curtains and curtain pole from my room. My shoelaces have been confiscated. I'm not allowed to keep towels. Until yesterday I wasn't even allowed to keep my own clothes in my room. It's a miracle they still let me shave unobserved.

This time last year I was the happiest I've ever been. And now I'm here. I truly do not believe that I will make it to the end of this year. I'm just biding my time now.

 

[iamgood]

I haven't posted here in a while, but here I am again.

Yesterday marked exactly one month since I was moved into a psychiatric unit following a failed CTB plan. I can't say it's helped me much. The room is designed very well to stop suicide attempts, but this just makes me view it as a challenge. It's like a puzzle box, and I've found so many ways that (theoretically) it would be possible to end my life in here. Of course, it would be risky since I'm on 15 minute observations, but it's still possible. Whether or not I actually make an attempt while in here is yet to be seen. Either way, I really don't think it's helping me at all. Being surrounded by people in severe mental distress all day every day doesn't make for a healthy environment. I've fallen back into regular self-harm. I feel like being able to conceal my 'tool' in the room without it being found (I'm on daily room sweeps after several bedsheet/pillow case nooses were found) is a way to get power over the nurses. I know this isn't a healthy way to view my stay here, but that's where I'm at. One of the other patients has dubbed me the "King of Room Sweeps" due to my always being able to find successful hiding spots for banned items. That's not a title I ever expected to be given.

They've removed the curtains and curtain pole from my room. My shoelaces have been confiscated. I'm not allowed to keep towels. Until yesterday I wasn't even allowed to keep my own clothes in my room. It's a miracle they still let me shave unobserved.

This time last year I was the happiest I've ever been. And now I'm here. I truly do not believe that I will make it to the end of this year. I'm just biding my time now.

please dont attempt suicide there. the risk of finding you in the middle of act is way higher. You only make your situation worse.If you end up just short of brain dead they keep you alive for decades, which is not pleasant. I can understand your situation, but please wait for some time until they discharge you.

 

[Cauliflour]

Wait so are you in the psych ward right now and somehow getting past the firewalls or is this a reflection?

 

[ForeverCaHa]

please dont attempt suicide there. the risk of finding you in the middle of act is way higher. You only make your situation worse.If you end up just short of brain dead they keep you alive for decades, which is not pleasant. I can understand your situation, but please wait for some time until they discharge you.

I will more than likely wait until I'm out, just to reduce the risk of being caught and/or failing. I don't think I will be let out soon though, which is why I have been contemplating attempting here

Wait so are you in the psych ward right now and somehow getting past the firewalls or is this a reflection?

I'm currently on the ward, just managing to find ways around the checks

 

[getoutgirl]

Hi!
So glad to hear back from you I kept wondering how you were doing
Sad that it you don't seem to be doing great at all :(
Its a gamble of a place, I get why the way you describe your environment it can negatively affect your psyche. If you are locked up in an unpleasant place surrounded by that which you are trying to escape from, that can't be good in the long run most times.
I hope the help there is a bit better? As in the talks with professionals. Or perhaps anything else that that place has as upsides. Do they let you write?

Again really sad to hear that last sentence. I know you've been through the unimaginable, and what I've hear from others of grief is that it never really leaves you completely, but it gets easier to manage. That sounds like a ghost of a promise, some sort of hope that to me sounds maybe reasonable but to you I imagine it can sound laughable. And you are probably in so much pain you can't start to believe it. Still there probably is some truth to it if its based on others longer experience.
It's been a year, less so, which is not nearly enough to start healing. I really wished you could hang on, somehow, and see with time it getting easier. It's not something I can ask from you since I'm not in your position. I won't pretend to know. Still I really wish you could and that you can get to a time similar to that of a year ago. Or just any bit better than you are now.
In any case, all my hugs to you, go through these days as best you can your room sweep majesty <3

 

[plytiene]

This time last year I was the happiest I've ever been. And now I'm here. I truly do not believe that I will make it to the end of this year. I'm just biding my time now.

I feel you on this in particular. I've been a psych ward inmate before and I concur, it is not a good place for your mental well-being. Although you theoretically have more help there, it is claustrophobic and the environment and restrictions far outweighed the supposed benefits for me.

I'm thankful I was able to be let out quickly. I get where you're coming from with the power play, but I personally would bide my time because the environment is so tightly controlled, I personally can't imagine how I could have managed anything while inside.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Why are you suicidal? Do you know it? Does the ward know what makes u suicidal? Is there any treatment for the root cause if this?

I'm sorry you have to go through this but imo the best way is to pretend to be fine as much as you can to get out of this prison if they can't fix the issues.

 

[GeminiButter]

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation.

The nickname is funny - one thing I did like about the psych ward was being around other people who also had a GREAT morbid sense of humour, because if you can't laugh you'll just cry. A lot.

The self harm makes a lot of sense too - honestly I was exactly the same when I was there a few months ago, and being in that environment definitely was what made me worse. You've got so much empty time to fill and it's so difficult to fill that time with anything that might genuinely help distract you when you're not allowed so much stuff because of risks. I know how frustrating it is when you can't even have your clothes.

Have you made friends with anyone? Obviously they're quite strange friendships but I found that really did help me feel less alone in there, just having someone to complain with. Is the food good? That is genuinely the one thing I do miss about the ward I was on, the food was good and it made me realise how hard it had been to feed myself properly and the positive difference it made to eat nutritious food without any of the effort of cooking.

I am sending you love, solidarity and support, friend - I'm sorry it's such a difficult time

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

it's so evil of them to treat me like a criminal and imprison me just for wanting to escape extreme suffering.

 

[iamgood]

I will more than likely wait until I'm out, just to reduce the risk of being caught and/or failing. I don't think I will be let out soon though, which is why I have been contemplating attempting here

I'm currently on the ward, just managing to find ways around the checks

just be patient although its difficult and easier said than done. try to be as normal as possible so they will discharge you faster. I fucking dont understand why the people or govt want to keep the people alive against their will if the desire to die is a long term and not impulsive.