once you see the truth, you can’t go back – venting

[Persona3]

I've never felt like I truly belong in this world. Ever since I was young, forming meaningful connections has been difficult for me. Over time, I developed this strange anxiety and the feeling that most people have something unsettling/demonic about them. Because of that, I kept my distance. I'd meet someone, notice something small that bothered me, lose interest, and let the relationship fade without hesitation.

I thought I was making progress, but I relapsed. Even when I had an intimate moment recently, I was just there thinking, "That's it? That's the highlight of life?" I've started to hate feeling lust in general. I hate the way it takes over, the way it pulls me around. I feel like a prisoner to my anxiety and dopamine, constantly chasing something… whether it's sex, gaming, masturbating, even the passions I used to love. And honestly, I don't even enjoy my passions anymore, because I've started to see how empty this world feels.

Sometimes I wish I had neither the survival instinct nor the sexual drive. I'm tired of being pulled around by instincts I never asked for.

What confuses me is how I spent years being fine on my own. I never needed attention. I didn't crave it. But now I do. Now I want attention. Maybe because I want someone to finally understand me. But the more attention I get, the more I realize I can't truly connect with anyone. The more I try, the clearer it becomes that I can't seem to belong in this world. I want people to get close to me, but at the same time, I hate interacting with them.

There's also this ideal version of myself in my head, always pushing me, telling me to do more, look better, become more handsome, like my entire worth depends on beauty. It's almost funny, in a sad way, how chasing beauty ends up destroying the beauty of the world around me.

Philosophically, I've started to think that love is one of the biggest illusions people cling to. Everyone swears it's real, but it feels like a story humans tell themselves to make life feel less empty. Even having kids seems selfish to me. Bringing someone into a world they never asked to be in. Sometimes I wish I had never been here at all.

And then there's the whole 9 to 5 thing. I hate having a boss over me, the dynamics, the power games, the social masks I'm forced to wear just to function. If I keep doing it long enough, running on autopilot, I feel myself drifting further away from who I am. I stop recognizing myself. It's like I'm playing a version of me that isn't real. I hate the fact that I have to die inside just to earn the privilege of living

I feel like I see through everything…through people, through systems, through the empty scripts everyone follows. And once you see it, there's no going back. You can't unsee it. Once you go down that rabbit hole, you never come out the same

My heart is bleeding, and I have this strong feeling that I can't even fix myself. Maybe I need to let go of the idea of building connections. In the end, they always disappoint me anyway. And even when I feel better for a moment, I find myself back in these same thoughts. My life feels like a loop. And the loneliness I feel right now is stronger than anything I've ever felt before.

What bothers me the most is how all these problems collide and stack on top of each other. And I can't shake the feeling that I've been screwed over multiple times in different ways. I'm beyond repair…

I feel like I'm gonna lose my mind… maybe I lost it a long time ago already?

 

[Pale_Rider]

I was listening to this video tonight, and he addressed the lust / love part. along with some relevant other topics also. relevant stuff starts around 540

 

[Persona3]

Thank you for that, I'll take a look at it before I go to bed. I have to go to the doctor tomorrow to get a sick note. I can't handle it anymore. I've never felt so tense my whole body feels so tight and slightly shaky. I honestly don't understand anything anymore

 

[Crescendo]

Philosophically, I've started to think that love is one of the biggest illusions people cling to. Everyone swears it's real, but it feels like a story humans tell themselves to make life feel less empty. Even having kids seems selfish to me. Bringing someone into a world they never asked to be in. Sometimes I wish I had never been here at all.

And then there's the whole 9 to 5 thing. I hate having a boss over me, the dynamics, the power games, the social masks I'm forced to wear just to function. If I keep doing it long enough, running on autopilot, I feel myself drifting further away from who I am. I stop recognizing myself. It's like I'm playing a version of me that isn't real. I hate the fact that I have to die inside just to earn the privilege of living

I feel like I see through everything…through people, through systems, through the empty scripts everyone follows. And once you see it, there's no going back. You can't unsee it. Once you go down that rabbit hole, you never come out the same

"If truth is what you seek, then the examined life will only take you on a long ride to the limits of solitude and leave you by the side of the road with your truth and nothing else."

- Thomas Ligotti, The Conspiracy Against the Human Race