Help On the verge of relapse help!

[GirlOfThought06]

Ok so I hate myself and starve myself of fun and because I have an exam for Wednesday I've studied 7-8 hours today but a voice inside inside is telling me to keep studying and not take my meds and not have any fun tomorrow and instead torture myself with more work because I'm not suffering enough for my major any advice to make me stop because I just hate myself even just being told to stop because I can't tell myself
I know if I keep working I'll start to spiral more
I know I should rest because I have until 5pm tomorrow fully free and can study then, but telling myself that isn't working. I use studying and bullying myself and turning myself into a machine as a self harm mechanism

 

[Jadeith]

First of all....

(big, warm, caring hug - provided you are comfortable with one)

Second - studying as an act is a is a skill in and of itself. A balance between it and rest is required to make it effective. Just like workout. Do too much and you'll damage yourself instead getting physique you desire. Now, "starving yourself of fun" because of exam isn't self-hate. Might be manifestation of one but not necessarily. It's being responsible. You know you got exam so you prepare and you remove any and all obstacles that might prevent you form passing it. Including distractions, no matter how much fun they appear to be.
So, pride yourself that you are able to keep your mind in such regime. Just remember that mind needs some rest too. It's not a bad thing. It's necessary.