On disability because of mental disorder. Anyone else ?

[a_strange_day]

Long story short. I have struggled with mental problems for over 25 years, it started when I was 14 and it got worse with the years.Thanks to medecines/drugs and other things that kept me going I still managed to have some sort of "life" and has more or less succeeded until 5 years ago.
Then I hit the wall, a big one. I just stopped everything, I wasn't even going to work anymore, I just stayed at home putting my things in order and waiting for the right time to end this.

Then started the medical circus, a bunch of experts, psychiatrists, etc...I was diagnosed with MDD/MPD/severe anxiety etc... They came to the conclusion that since I've lived with these conditions for over 25 years without treating them there was virtually no chance that I'd get better, so I was put on disability benefits.

At first it wasn't an easy pill to swallow. I've always been a very independant person and would have preferred to die a hundred times than ask/being given public help.Then I slowly started to process things, after all I have contributed to society for 25 years, I am what I am, I've spent my whole life in self detruction mode so maybe it would be time for me to stop hurting myself and just...live/die in peace. I have time now, everything is ready, no famly or friends left, nothing to lose.

All this is still pretty new so I'm not completely used to it yet and I'm still somewhere between shame and acceptance. I'm really tired and severely depressed 24/24 now so I don't really enjoy my new status beside the fact that it gives me the freedom to stay away from what I can't stand.

I know a lot of people will think I'm so lucky to be "free" and I understand it, I would have given everything when I was 20 to have such a luxury, but when you are where I am now I can promise you that I can't even do anything with this "freedom"

What really interests me is that if any of you are in the same situation it would be nice to hear your testimony. Thanks

 

[Subhuman]

In my country we can't get disability, or any kind of benefits, due to mental illness alone. Unless you've completely lost touch with reality and need to be locked up, you're your parents' responsibility if you can't work. I've never understood why people are ashamed of going on disability, to me it would only make sense if they were cheating or abusing the system. There is no shame in getting help. It's not a death sentence either... meaning that just because you need it now it doesn't mean you can't ever get better. Even the foremost experts can be wrong in their determinations. No need to add shame to all the negative emotions you're already feeling.

 

[eve2004]

Me too. I feel the same. After working in IT and climbing the proverbial ladder, I fell head first into oblivion and my life is hell. I'm trapped in my CTB thoughts all my waking hours, can't go places I want to go because of social anxiety and lack of motivation (even though that damn pastry looks so effing good/tasty and I want it bad... hahah. I basically don't wander farther than I can walk. Luckily both the psych and therpist offices are in good range.

I know this cannot go on forever (disability payments) but I am planning to CTB before they cut me off, and if they cut me off first, well then I'll CTB.

If I had it my way I'd sleep till I woke up, take another pill and sleep... etc etc. I tried it, but my stomach could not handle it, I was so nauseous I had to stop and actually be awake.

 

[woxihuanni]

I wouldn't be able to, but then I also don't even have the decency to have depression when life tells me clearly I have no place in it. I just keep having a giant libido for life whatever happens. In my entire life, never met anybody so devoid of pride as myself, so unable to call it a day. I will drag myself screaming to death, though, even if I cannot give up and go with grace.

 

[Mr2005]

"I would have given everything when I was 20 to have such a luxury" I did and it cost me everything, now I can't live with myself

 

[a_strange_day]

I've never understood why people are ashamed of going on disability

I know it can be hard to understand but I was raised the hard way by hard people, I was taught to stand at all costs, take responsability, never ask for help etc..
so It may seem a bit extreme but yes I feel some shame to be unable to survive on my own

 

[Mr2005]

In my entire life, never met anybody so devoid of pride as myself

You've met me haven't you?

 

[woxihuanni]

You've met me haven't you?

Sending you the biggest hug

 

[Subhuman]

I know it can be hard to understand but I was raised the hard way by hard people, I was taught to stand at all costs, take responsability, never ask for help etc..
so It may seem a bit extreme but yes I feel some shame to be unable to survive on my own

I was raised to be racist, homophobic and intolerant of others' religion. I chose to rise above my raising and think rationally about what I was taught. I'm sure if you look at it objectively you'll find you have no reason to be ashamed of yourself. You're not doing anything wrong and you're not hurting anyone. Be kind to yourself

 

[Astral316]

I got SSI based on my schizoaffective disorder diagnosis. I probably could've lived independent from government assistance if everyone and their grandma didn't ostracize me. But now I'm poor, will never go anywhere or do anything outside my day-to-day routine. I'm a socio-economic prisoner in the truest sense. Mine is not a life worth living. So I will use just enough of the disability funds to buy a few months of comfort and a rope and I'll save the country thousands upon thousands of dollars when I'm gone.

 

[a_strange_day]

So I will use just enough of the disability funds to buy a few months of comfort and a rope and I'll save the country thousands upon thousands of dollars when I'm gone.

That's exactly what I intend to do except for the rope :) thanks

I was raised to be racist, homophobic and intolerant of others' religion. I chose to rise above my raising and think rationally about what I was taught. I'm sure if you look at it objectively you'll find you have no reason to be ashamed of yourself. You're not doing anything wrong and you're not hurting anyone. Be kind to yourself

I agree with you and I'm starting to slowly accept it.
Nevertheless I think you cant compare things that you can easily despise/reject like in your case homophoby and racism, with things that you really believe in like independance and self sufficiency for me. It's a lot harder to rise above/let go of the things you believe in than the things you reject.
Just my opinion though. Thanks

 

[Subhuman]

I agree with you and I'm starting to slowly accept it.
Nevertheless I think you cant compare things that you can easily despise/reject like in your case homophoby and racism, with things that you really believe in like independance and self sufficiency for me. It's a lot harder to rise above/let go of the things you believe in than the things you reject.
Just my opinion though. Thanks

I didn't mean to minimize your suffering or to imply it should be easy and I apologize if I came off that way. What I was trying to convey is that if you strive to overcome the toxic mindsets that were passed onto you as a kid I have faith that you can succeed because I don't see you doing anything evil or deserving of such blame. Personally I managed to free myself of much more than the bigotry of my folks, I just didn't go into the darkest details because I didn't want to make this about myself. I really do wish for you to release the shame and self-criticism because I think life is hard enough without them and because I don't think you deserve them, that's all <3

 

[Jean4]

I am on Disability due to PTSD, Depression and anxiety. Took me two years to get it, but I did.

 

[a_strange_day]

If I had it my way I'd sleep till I woke up, take another pill and sleep... etc etc.

I can definitely relate to that. The problem is that it doesn't work in the long run...benzos...ambien...more benzos...more ambien...shit you're fucked.

I didn't mean to minimize your suffering or to imply it should be easy and I apologize if I came off that way.

Oh No, not at all, I understood very well what you meant. I was just trying to explain that it wasn't easy for me to let go, but my English sucks and sometimes I have trouble expressing my thoughts correctly. On the bright side, now I'm gonna have time to improve it. Thanks again for your kind words.

I am on Disability due to PTSD, Depression and anxiety. Took me two years to get it, but I did.

Are you happy with this ? I know that in some countries it is not even enough to live decently.

 

[Jean4]

I can definitely relate to that. The problem is that it doesn't work in the long run...benzos...ambien...more benzos...more ambien...shit you're fucked.



Oh No, not at all, I understood very well what you meant. I was just trying to explain that it wasn't easy for me to let go, but my English sucks and sometimes I have trouble expressing my thoughts correctly. On the bright side, now I'm gonna have time to improve it. Thanks again for your kind words.



Are you happy with this ? I know that in some countries it is not even enough to live decently.

No, I am not happy with it. But I am in America, and there is nothing that can be done about it.

 

[deflagrat]

If I had it my way I'd sleep till I woke up, take another pill and sleep... etc etc. I tried it, but my stomach could not handle it, I was so nauseous I had to stop and actually be awake.

I take amitriptyline 75 mg / day, and it helps me to sleep 20 hours / day.

I am also receiving disability benefits, but I am not sure for how long I will be able to get them. It definitely pays for a few commodities, but that's it. I have Aspergers and schizoaffective disorder.

 

[Tabbyql]

Yes I am ive been on 2 types for the past year, I feel bad about being on them. I don't want to be, before my last ctb attempt i had a job, I somehow managed to go to for 3 years. Now I can't even do that, every day I'm made to feel bad and lazy by someone who Is supposed to love me. All because they want more money and apparently my benefits aren't enough. I don't know how much longer I will be on them, as I don't have any evidence from my Drs for the annual review. They didn't even record on my medical files that i had been sectioned and had medications changed. Fun.

 

[eve2004]

I take amitriptyline 75 mg / day, and it helps me to sleep 20 hours / day.

I am also receiving disability benefits, but I am not sure for how long will I be able to get them. It definitely pays for a few commodities, but that's it. I have Aspergers and schizoaffective disorder.

I spent a few weeks sleeping 16-18 hours a day but had to take significant amounts of benzos and diphenhydramine and whatever other depressants I had. I had to stop because the meds were bothering my stomach (I had to take A LOT just to pass out for 16 hours. Like half a bottle of Nytol plus 3-4 doses of benzos.

I'm starting to "go there" again, sleeping earlier and earlier in the evening. If you're awake 4 hours a day, how much do you eat and drink?

 

[Squiddy]

I'm trying to get disability and am waiting on a decision

 

[eve2004]

I'm trying to get disability and am waiting on a decision

I hope you get it

 

[Squiddy]

I hope you get it

Thanks :)