Discussion On a scale of 0-10 how hopeful are you that you can find happiness again?

[Cherry_BB]

I'm at a 4. The only reason if because I have extreme depressive episodes where I sit there with the rope around my neck debating whether or not to sit down and end it for good. Other days I couldn't care less about life and just exist. Most of the time I don't care about living nor taking my own life, but I wouldn't complain if I got hit by a truck.

 

[The Schizoid]

I'm at a 4. The only reason if because I have extreme depressive episodes where I sit there with the rope around my neck debating whether or not to sit down and end it for good. Other days I couldn't care less about life and just exist. Most of the time I don't care about living nor taking my own life, but I wouldn't complain if I got hit by a truck.

What are you doing to try and get better?

 

[Cherry_BB]

What are you doing to try and get better?

I'm not making any real effort to better myself, as I don't have any reason to. I don't deserve to be any happier than I already am. I am simply existing (if you're still confused lmk and I'll try to explain, it's just hard to put into words)

 

[The Schizoid]

I'm not making any real effort to better myself, as I don't have any reason to. I don't deserve to be any happier than I already am. I am simply existing (if you're still confused lmk and I'll try to explain, it's just hard to put into words)

I'm not talking about being a better person, I'm talking about simply feeling better.

Once you start feeling better, you'll be a better person to be around as a bi-product.

I'm here to listen. A way I'm helping the days off work go by is trying to focus on helping others as well as myself.

 

[Cherry_BB]

I'm not talking about being a better person, I'm talking about simply feeling better.

Once you start feeling better, you'll be a better person to be around as a bi-product.

I'm here to listen. A way I'm helping the days off work go by is trying to focus on helping others as well as myself.

I would love to feel better, but I don't feel worthy of it. I've dug myself so far down this shit hole that I take any compliment as some sick mockery. I wish I could take a compliment. I wish I didnt think the world if out to punish me, but i phisically can't imagine a world where I deserve to be worth more than a shit stain on the pavement.

tldr : I am not looking to feel better as I am not worthy

It's people like you who make existence less painful. I hope you know that your efforts to help others are appreciated. You deserve to find happiness.

 

[The Schizoid]

I would love to feel better, but I don't feel worthy of it. I've dug myself so far down this shit hole that I take any compliment as some sick mockery. I wish I could take a compliment. I wish I didnt think the world if out to punish me, but i phisically can't imagine a world where I deserve to be worth more than a shit stain on the pavement.

tldr : I am not looking to feel better as I am not worthy

It's people like you who make existence less painful. I hope you know that your efforts to help others are appreciated. You deserve to find happiness.

So it seems like something has happened to make you lack any real self worth. You don't feel you're worth it. You take any compliment as if it must be a secret threat or mockery from a person that's either just trying to be nice and doesn't mean it or is trying to fuck with you. I get it. Your self esteem isn;t in a good place.

My advice is this -

Either people
1) Mean it as you say, a subtle mockery, disguised as a compliment.
2) They don't really mean it BUT they're trying to be nice
3) They really mean it to some degree.

I know your mind will likely reject it if I told you they do mean it, so why don't you remind yourself that you don't know if they mean it or not, so it could be a compliment or a secret insult, either are possible?

So at least this way, you're not trying to bullshit yourself into thinking they all like you, as you know that may not be true, but you're not completely resigned to the idea that what they're saying is mockery. Your mind is open to all possibilities. This is surely the only rational way to think about it. No bullshiting yourself with false positivity, but no assuming the worse always.

I'd also think there's a good chance your sense of self worth is far too tied into what others think of you. This is a trap we are all in and the only way out of it is

A) Assigning self worth to something else such as - Your capabilities, so this way you know your worth through what you know you can do through objective results, and therefore it doesn't matter what others say because you know what you are capable of, so the need for external validation is less. If you have a job, for example, and can do it to at least a satisfactory level, then you are of some worth to others. Also you can focus on helping others, and if you succeed, that is also objective proof of worth.

B) Also realise that even if you never become that socially significant, you can still enjoy life anyway because of simply focusing on things that are pleasurable. Find beautiful things.

Hope this helps.

 

[quietly_gone]

I tried but I couldn't answer this. When I think about the future I get brain fogged, and I don't feel anything positive or negative. I just can't see it

 

[The Schizoid]

I tried but I couldn't answer this. When I think about the future I get brain fogged, and I don't feel anything positive or negative. I just can't see it

Accept the fog and be open to the possibility it wont always be there. Try stuff and see what happens.

Professiona Mental health help. Blood tests from docs to test for deficiencies.

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

one of whom was a very fit young man who died of cardiac arrest

An probably didn't want to ctb. I wish I was in his place

 

[EmptyHeaded]

0. Has been like that for quite some time and I know that there is nothing in this world that could change it.

 

[theboy]

It is complicated. I will probably recover, but CTB is not getting out of my head.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I put 2-3 but really I am probably a 1.5. I feel like I have scraped, clawed, fought, etc... to try and create hope. But I can't really find any. I just feel like a shell of my former self. I don't really recognize the person in the mirror anymore. I feel like along with everything else. My purpose, identity, drive, was all taken from me. I feel like I am just a shadow of my former self and no one cares.

 

[HereTomorrow]

Probably 6.

I'd like to recover, I think it's possible for my life circumstances. I am actively trying to at least.

But to fantasize about my own death, to see an end to almost a decade of suffering, it's lingering there like a little spark of solace with an allure of pleasure, opening its arms for me to fall upon.

I have a method selected, but I also really don't want to do it unless my reasons to keep going turn to dust. I'm trying to prevent it from happening, but I can't guarantee it. To CTB is just a backup plan to avoid facing the pain of losing everything and everyone I love again.

It's been a struggle, but I hope I'm winning.

 

[The Schizoid]

Probably 6.

I'd like to recover, I think it's possible for my life circumstances. I am actively trying to at least.

But to fantasize about my own death, to see an end to almost a decade of suffering, it's lingering there like a little spark of solace with an allure of pleasure, opening its arms for me to fall upon.

I have a method selected, but I also really don't want to do it unless my reasons to keep going turn to dust. I'm trying to prevent it from happening, but I can't guarantee it. To CTB is just a backup plan to avoid facing the pain of losing everything and everyone I love again.

It's been a struggle, but I hope I'm winning.

Keep going.

 

[Macc_Lad_71]

I was massively depressed in the 90's.....tried to take my own life 3 times......but i'm still here.....and fairly happy with life now......so you can come out the otherside.

 

[The Schizoid]

I was massively depressed in the 90's.....tried to take my own life 3 times......but i'm still here.....and fairly happy with life now......so you can come out the otherside.

Did your depression relate primarily to bad life circumstances or just physical/mental health problems. Obviously you were depressed so you had that, but was it purely internal and you needed a MH professional? Or was it just your life got better in general and you felt better about it?

 

[xmissellax]

So for me I'm going to answer this a little bit differently. I've always seen happiness as just a feeling that you can experience at any time. It's not something you eventually obtain, you either feel happy in a moment or you don't. I guess just like sadness. Deep seated chronic depression is a little different imo, it lingers far too long and ingrains far too deeply. I've always said that I've had enough happy moments in my life which I'm very content with, and I don't have a big desire or need for more. I mean, sure I'd probably like a few final happy moments with my loved ones, mainly cos I owe it to them really, once I have a date planned but then that's it for me. also definitely don't have a desire for more mental or physical suffering and pain. So for me it's a no brainer.

I am pretty up for CTB'ing at any time once I have the means and a solid date planned, because I kinda KNOW I will never 'find happiness again.' I know I will have more happy moments to experience if I stay. Sure. But it's not worth. I'll still be chronically depressed and have this dumbass brain constantly shadowing over me and dysfunctional chronically ill body and wishing I wasn't here.

So TLDR; happiness is a feeling, not something to obtain. Had enough happy moments, and more than enough suffering moments. Cba to stay for more. So whichever way you see it, could be 0 (I'll never "find" happiness) or 10. (I'm gaurunteed to find happiness in a moment if I stay.)

 

[The Schizoid]

So for me I'm going to answer this a little bit differently. I've always seen happiness as just a feeling that you can experience at any time. It's not something you eventually obtain, you either feel happy in a moment or you don't. I guess just like sadness. Deep seated chronic depression is a little different imo, it lingers far too long and ingrains far too deeply. I've always said that I've had enough happy moments in my life which I'm very content with, and I don't have a big desire or need for more. I also definitely don't have a desire for more mental or physical suffering and pain. So for me it's a no brainer. I am pretty up for CTB'ing at any time because I kinda KNOW I will never 'find happiness again.' I know I will have more happy moments to experience if I stay. Sure. But it's not worth. I'll still be chronically depressed and have this dumbass brain constantly shadowing over me and wishing I wasn't here.

So TLDR; happiness is a feeling, not something to obtain. Had enough happy moments, and more than enough suffering moments. Cba to stay for more. So whichever way you see it, could be 0 (I'll never "find" happiness) or 10. (I'm gaurunteed to find happiness in a moment if I stay. But idc.)

True about happiness - But a more satisfying life is something that often can be obtained. I healthier and satisfying life where you reduce your suffering and increase your chances of feeling happy/peace more frequently.

You're making it out as if it's just a case of luck, it comes and it goes randomly, but I think you can do things to make it more frequent.

I sympathise with your situation though. If I cannot resolve my current issue, I am going to CTB. If there's an afterlife, I'll see you there.

 

[InAgony]

I didn't vote because I have 0 hope of things getting better, but I don't see myself killing myself either, not because I have hope, but because I can't overcome fears surrounding suicide.

 

[The Schizoid]

I didn't vote because I have 0 hope of things getting better, but I don't see myself killing myself either, not because I have hope, but because I can't overcome fears surrounding suicide.

So sounds like it's a 1 then. You're committed to CTB/wanting it but haven't planned it yet. The only thing is you haven't got a method.

 

[InAgony]

So sounds like it's a 1 then. You're committed to CTB/wanting it but haven't planned it yet. The only thing is you haven't got a method.

I suppose so, because I don't have a specific date. I'll vote 1.

 

[Macc_Lad_71]

Did your depression relate primarily to bad life circumstances or just physical/mental health problems. Obviously you were depressed so you had that, but was it purely internal and you needed a MH professional? Or was it just your life got better in general and you felt better about it?

something happened in my life to send me into a spiral of depression....didn't seek help, just hoped it would go away.....ended up in hospital having my stomach pumped and feeling sorry for myself...they offered help and i took it...counselling and medication. it helped but didn't take away the feeling of suicide completely. it helped when i met my future wife and became a father for the first time....there was no way i was gonna leave my daughter without a dad....it made me stronger.

 

[xmissellax]

True about happiness - But a more satisfying life is something that often can be obtained. I healthier and satisfying life where you reduce your suffering and increase your chances of feeling happy/peace more frequently.

You're making it out as if it's just a case of luck, it comes and it goes randomly, but I think you can do things to make it more frequent.

I sympathise with your situation though. If I cannot resolve my current issue, I am going to CTB. If there's an afterlife, I'll see you there.

Oh not at all. There's plenty one can do to make happy moments more frequent. Happiness isn't just at the will of whatever happens in your life, I never said anything about it just being luck.. It's great if that's enough to keep most people going. Personally, I just don't care enough anymore to keep pursuing those moments, not worth the future suffering I'll need to go through with my chronic health/conditions and disabilities. I don't enjoy happy moments as I used to, and I appreciate what I've already experienced.

 

[bugs_for_brains]

Got too many problems to realistically recover. Some temporary but most permanent and incurable. Growing up autistic really screwed with me and because of people's reactions to me, it's ingrained in my mind forever that I'm too stupid for life and my family would be better off if I was never born. Additionally, I wish I was born male but nothing I can ever do would make that possible for obvious reasons. I'm too sensitive to take people's judgement if I were to transition now but even aside from that there's still no point because I didn't grow up and develop as male. Then there's my family. I love them but we're all fucked up. Don't wanna get into it because it goes too deep and will bore anyone who isn't already involved.

 

[tuey32]

2. I gave recovery a try but nothing ever changes

 

[The Schizoid]

Oh not at all. There's plenty one can do to make happy moments more frequent. Happiness isn't just at the will of whatever happens in your life, I never said anything about it just being luck.. It's great if that's enough to keep most people going. Personally, I just don't care enough anymore to keep pursuing those moments, not worth the future suffering I'll need to go through with my chronic health/conditions and disabilities. I don't enjoy happy moments as I used to, and I appreciate what I've already experienced.

Makes sense. It gets hard when it gets to the point where you don't even care anymore. You struggle to see a reason.

Like you can barely remember what it was like to be happy and even if it ma be possible to find some happiness it's just not worth the pain.

 

[The Schizoid]

Currently at a 5. If this therapy doesn't work, then I'll be at a 3.

 

[LastBusHome]

I'd say I sit around a 4 or 5. Life circumstances have me feeling drained, squeezed, and often disappointed with each passing day. Mostly financial pressure because the pendulum is swinging the other way in my industry at the moment. So finding a job after being laid off has been a bit of a challenge. However, I've been in therapy for a bit which has made things a bit easier to reconcile. That said it still feels regrettable waking up at least half the time so I'm not quite out the woods yet.

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

0.5 at most

 

[willitpass]

I experience fleeting happiness and periods of recovery. I always have. But I have also cycled through episodes of intense depression and suicidal thoughts since I was a young child. I know I will die by my own hand. At this point my health is starting to fail due to how poorly I've treated myself for years, so even if I do not directly kill myself I know I will indirectly die from the damage I've done to my body.