I would love to feel better, but I don't feel worthy of it. I've dug myself so far down this shit hole that I take any compliment as some sick mockery. I wish I could take a compliment. I wish I didnt think the world if out to punish me, but i phisically can't imagine a world where I deserve to be worth more than a shit stain on the pavement.
tldr : I am not looking to feel better as I am not worthy
It's people like you who make existence less painful. I hope you know that your efforts to help others are appreciated. You deserve to find happiness.
So it seems like something has happened to make you lack any real self worth. You don't feel you're worth it. You take any compliment as if it must be a secret threat or mockery from a person that's either just trying to be nice and doesn't mean it or is trying to fuck with you. I get it. Your self esteem isn;t in a good place.
My advice is this -
Either people
1) Mean it as you say, a subtle mockery, disguised as a compliment.
2) They don't really mean it BUT they're trying to be nice
3) They really mean it to some degree.
I know your mind will likely reject it if I told you they do mean it, so why don't you remind yourself that you don't know if they mean it or not, so it could be a compliment or a secret insult, either are possible?
So at least this way, you're not trying to bullshit yourself into thinking they all like you, as you know that may not be true, but you're not completely resigned to the idea that what they're saying is mockery. Your mind is open to all possibilities. This is surely the only rational way to think about it. No bullshiting yourself with false positivity, but no assuming the worse always.
I'd also think there's a good chance your sense of self worth is far too tied into what others think of you. This is a trap we are all in and the only way out of it is
A) Assigning self worth to something else such as - Your capabilities, so this way you know your worth through what you know you can do through objective results, and therefore it doesn't matter what others say because you know what you are capable of, so the need for external validation is less. If you have a job, for example, and can do it to at least a satisfactory level, then you are of some worth to others. Also you can focus on helping others, and if you succeed, that is also objective proof of worth.
B) Also realise that even if you never become that socially significant, you can still enjoy life anyway because of simply focusing on things that are pleasurable. Find beautiful things.
Hope this helps.
