Venting Older members, does it really get better?

[Kobusu]

Hey, older members, genuine question: Does it ever really get better? I'm relatively young, but I've been suicidal since I've been aware of my own existence. There's good and bad in life, sure, but there's so much more bad and so little good. Even if there was more good than bad, I'm tired of both of them. Does it ever get easier? I'm just out of the hospital, and all I can think about, even after being drugged out of my mind, is how badly I wish I had not been found and had not failed. All I can think about is the cold steel of a gun barrel in my mouth. So, does it get better? Honestly? It hasn't yet, and I'm so tired. I'm tired of fighting to do everything every day. I'm tired of this existence. I'm tired of being. Will it ever go away? Sorry for the ramble, I just need these answers. Everyone in life loves to say it does, because they don't want to discourage you. They're never honest about it though, because when they are, the answer is no.

 

[Flying Away]

I'm 58 and first tried to CTB at 14. For me no it feels worse now than ever

 

[Chinaski]

It definitely *can* get better, but that's not to say it will, each individual's experience, and reason for being here, is different.

 

[Kobusu]

I'm 58 and first tried to CTB at 14. For me no it feels worse now than ever

this is the boat I'm in and I'm worried it'll be the same for me too, if I get older.

 

[just_wanna_die]

I can only speak for myself and from my experiences and perspective. But this is my honest answer.

I'm 52 now. When I was 26, I had my life savings (the equivalent of about US$78k in inflation adjusted dollars) stolen from me by government agents. Never arrested, never charged, never convicted of anything. In the USA, they have "asset forfeiture" laws that allow this to happen to the tune of US$505 BILLION dollars in 2019 alone. Good luck winning in court, as the odds are stacked against you (you can't beat the gov't in the gov't's court) and also because as most lawyers won't even take the case because it is not worth their time effort, unless the sums involved are huge (in the hundreds of thousands of dollars+). But even if you win, you still lose because a large chunk of your $ will be taken in lawyer fees (expect 70-100%, perhaps more, and you may end up owing them money!) Then, just 4 months later, my sweet little dog was hit and killed by a car and between those 2 events, I wanted to end it all. But I held on to hope. I thought I'm going through a terrible time right now, but "it will get better". It's only money, I can make more, and my dog wasn't going to live forever anyway.


As the years went by, my biggest regret is that I didn't cbt 26 years ago.

I ask myself:
*Am I any happier today than I was 26 years ago? Answer: no!
*Am I any healthier now than 26 years ago? No.
*Am I any younger now than I was 26 years ago? Of course not.
*Am I any richer now than 26 years ago? No.
*Am I (or the world) more free now than 26 years ago? No.
*Are any of my loved ones any better off now than 26 years ago? No.

I can ask myself these same questions from a future perspective:

Will I be any happier/healthier/younger/richer/freer/and my loved ones be better off 26 years from now (in the year 2047) when I reach the age of 78?

Again, the most likely and obvious answer will still be no.

Take from this what you will.

 

[Kobusu]

I can only speak for myself and from my experiences and perspective. But this is my honest answer.

I'm 52 now. When I was 26, I had my life savings (the equivalent of about US$78k in inflation adjusted dollars) stolen from me by government agents. Never arrested, never charged, never convicted of anything. In the USA, they have "asset forfeiture" laws that allow this to happen to the tune of US$505 BILLION dollars in 2019 alone. Good luck winning in court, as the odds are stacked against you (you can't beat the gov't in the gov't's court) and also because as most lawyers won't even take the case because it is not worth their time effort, unless the sums involved are huge (in the hundreds of thousands of dollars+). But even if you win, you still lose your a large chunk of your $ because the lawyers take it in fees (expect 50-100%, perhaps more, and you end up owning them more money!). Then, just 4 months later, my sweet little dog was hit and killed by a car and between those 2 events, I wanted to end it all. But I held on to hope. I thought I'm going through a terrible time right now, but it will get better. It's only money, I can make more, and my dog wasn't going to live forever anyway.


As the years went by, my biggest regret is that I didn't cbt 26 years ago.

I ask myself:
*Am I any happier today than I was 26 years ago? Answer: no!
*Am I any healthier now than 26 years ago? No.
*Am I any younger now than I was 26 years ago? Of course not.
*Am I any richer now than 26 years ago? No.
*Am I (or the world) more free now than 26 years ago? No.
*Are any of my loved ones any better off now than 26 years ago? No.

I can ask myself these same questions from a future perspective:

Will I be any happier/healthier/younger/richer/freer/and my loved ones be better off 26 years from now (in the year 2047) when I reach the age of 78?

Again, the most likely and obvious answer will still be no.

Take from this what you will.

I appreciate the frankness of this, it means a lot.

 

[Flying Away]

this is the boat I'm in and I'm worried it'll be the same for me too, if I get older.

I can only speak for me but attempt after failed attempt wears you down more as you get older.

I can only speak for myself and from my experiences and perspective. But this is my honest answer.

I'm 52 now. When I was 26, I had my life savings (the equivalent of about US$78k in inflation adjusted dollars) stolen from me by government agents. Never arrested, never charged, never convicted of anything. In the USA, they have "asset forfeiture" laws that allow this to happen to the tune of US$505 BILLION dollars in 2019 alone. Good luck winning in court, as the odds are stacked against you (you can't beat the gov't in the gov't's court) and also because as most lawyers won't even take the case because it is not worth their time effort, unless the sums involved are huge (in the hundreds of thousands of dollars+). But even if you win, you still lose your a large chunk of your $ because the lawyers take it in fees (expect 50-100%, perhaps more, and you end up owning them more money!). Then, just 4 months later, my sweet little dog was hit and killed by a car and between those 2 events, I wanted to end it all. But I held on to hope. I thought I'm going through a terrible time right now, but it will get better. It's only money, I can make more, and my dog wasn't going to live forever anyway.


As the years went by, my biggest regret is that I didn't cbt 26 years ago.

I ask myself:
*Am I any happier today than I was 26 years ago? Answer: no!
*Am I any healthier now than 26 years ago? No.
*Am I any younger now than I was 26 years ago? Of course not.
*Am I any richer now than 26 years ago? No.
*Am I (or the world) more free now than 26 years ago? No.
*Are any of my loved ones any better off now than 26 years ago? No.

I can ask myself these same questions from a future perspective:

Will I be any happier/healthier/younger/richer/freer/and my loved ones be better off 26 years from now (in the year 2047) when I reach the age of 78?

Again, the most likely and obvious answer will still be no.

Take from this what you will.

This is so true

 

[just_wanna_die]

I appreciate the frankness of this, it means a lot.

You're welcome. Just being honest. It's what I have been feeling & thinking for years now. In the end it's all pointless. I feel that everything we do in this world/life is simply an exercise in futility.

 

[apathetic.]

I'm 58 and first tried to CTB at 14. For me no it feels worse now than ever

Totally worth dying young

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I would personally prefer younger people to give things a shot until at least 25-30, but I'm not intervening here, it's the last bastion for people. After that, it varies by condition and environment.

At 4, my memories became clear, and it was clear my life was horrible.
At 10-11, I knew about suicide and wanted to kill myself.
At 11-19, my life was pure hell to varying degrees.
At 19-21 I should've been happy for the first time (long-term relationship).
At 21 I was homeless.
At 21-24 I was back to feeling suicidal and life was hell but I had more control.
At ~25-27 I should've been happy for the second time (long-term relationship).
After that everything has been downhill again. Even long-term relationships were bad.

I think the love from my two first long-term relationships gave me the chance to be and feel like a normal person but in doing so my defenses were also lowered. I've never felt more normal than when I was with them. Probably the only times I've felt properly human.

If you're not happy by 30 I think your chance of happiness goes down, but it probably depends. There were periods I could've or should've been happy for the rest of my life. Unfortunately for me underlying problems were never fixed or investigated and I've been kind of unlucky. I learn more as I get older but as others post, you also get weaker with age. Personal wealth means nothing to me, the wealthier I am, the more I help others, that's about it. If I had hindsight I would've tried harder to accumulate absolutely massive wealth to be able to personally intervene and help tortured souls.

At my current age I don't think the brief happiness makes up for all of the suffering, but there was a chance I could've been happy. There's a chance I could still be happy for myself and not for others, but it would take an absolutely remarkable soul, or a miracle and for me to rejuvenate myself and get away from those that still try to control my life and do me harm.

So, I wouldn't say it gets better. I would say it could, or you could be in for a life of misery. I hope its the former for anyone reading.

 

[4eyebiped]

As mentioned by someone else, this will greatly vary person to person. For those that it did improved, well they are probably not on this website anymore so the answers are going to be skewed. You must take that into consideration.

For me, 46, I absolutely wish I would had died young, or simply not born. I take full responsibility for my life, and make zero excuses, but in the end, it has been a great number of years of suffering that I wish I never had to deal with. Best wishes to you all and hopefully for some of you, things do improve and you do not live a life of misery.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

For those that it did improved, well they are probably not on this website anymore so the answers are going to be skewed

This is true, I would expect for everyone here that life didn't get better or that it suddenly got worse. I don't know why I didn't write that in my answer. Definitely you get wiser as you get older but the brain gets slower, at least for me!

 

[just_wanna_die]

I absolutely wish I would had died young, or simply not born.

I think I had too. In fact, I should have died when I was about 1 or 2 weeks old. Apparently I was vomiting up a lot and it was discovered I couldn't hold anything down because my esophagus was blocked or sealed and I needed an emergency operation which left with me a scare across my stomach. Had I been born say, 100 years earlier, before modern technology, I would have likely died, perhaps as God, or the universe, or nature, had intended.

I also wish I had never been born. It is one of the many reasons why I have no desire for children. I envy my non-existent children precisely because they do not exist.

 

[Silenos]

I would personally prefer younger people to give things a shot until at least 25-30, but I'm not intervening here, it's the last bastion for people. After that, it varies by condition and environment.

I agree with this to a certain point. There are more than enough cases where younger people will never be able to overcome the conditions they're facing. But speaking of personal preference, I wish that people wouldn't end their lives when in complete crisis and unable to think clearly. It really is the last decision you'll ever be able to make and I think it should be thought through until you're 100% it's what you want to do.

As for myself, I gave it my best and spent years in therapy. My life got better for a little while, until I completely broke down again and realised I don't have the will to try to 'get better' in this world. I heard plenty of success stories from people I've been in therapy with though, but life just really isn't for me.

 

[Kobusu]

Thank you all for your input. I've been in therapy for years too, in and out, and it's just exhausting. It's so hard to fight every day, so I appreciate an honest look back.

 

[Flying Away]

Totally worth dying young

Never had the options when I was young

As mentioned by someone else, this will greatly vary person to person. For those that it did improved, well they are probably not on this website anymore so the answers are going to be skewed. You must take that into consideration.

For me, 46, I absolutely wish I would had died young, or simply not born. I take full responsibility for my life, and make zero excuses, but in the end, it has been a great number of years of suffering that I wish I never had to deal with. Best wishes to you all and hopefully for some of you, things do improve and you do not live a life of misery.

Not being born would be my option.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

True happiness would feel absolutely amazing to me. It's so inescapable for me that I don't know how normal people don't walk about in constant orgasm all the time from not feeling suicidal all the time. I have anhedonia too so it's a double wow for me.

I'm very good at keeping myself occupied now though so even though I'm older my life definitely settled down for the most part. I'm a little bit better at keeping my situation from getting worse, mostly.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

I believe it depends on Circumstances in one's life. Some problems can be "fixable" with the help of therapy or with others solutions.
In my circumstance it didn't and I'm just prolonging my death because I get fooled that it can.

I'm not saying that it won't for your circumstances, but after feeling this way for such a long time and still no solution.. it gets to the point where you realise it just can't get better.

 

[ihatemylife]

Truthfully, in my case at least it just gets worse. Instead of the regular daily struggles one faces you add in a failing body that is physically not capable anymore.Old age is definitely not for wimps. It horrible getting older .

 

[AnotherTragicName]

27 here, suicidal since 16.

I gotta say though, I had a few great rushes in my life. Events, phases, happenings. I am really greatful for those.

Maybe it's not so important what these are, but I really tried EVERYTHING I could think of and could finance. And eventhough most was shit, some things were really, really nice.
I left my comfort zone hundrets of times. I got emotionally beaten in the face for that. But I also got rewarded very well. I felt belonging. Stability. Happiness. Friendship. Competence. I got admired, and I found people that I massivly looked up to. I didn't leave the bedroom with a girl for 12 hours once, where I first discovered the connection between sex and love. Some things I witnessed, most people would simply consider to be impossible - at least, only a small fraction of people will experience what I experienced there.

Most of that took place between the age of 24 and 27. So yes, things got better. At least periodically. Again, Im deep down in a shithole.
Gotta admit though, I wouldn't have been possible without about 30.000 euros and the german healthcare-system.
But some of the things didn't involve money at all.

Take from that what you like aswell.

 

[Insomniac]

I'm 24 and been suicidal since 12. I believed with all my heart I'd have my best life in my 20s but things got so, so, so... so much worse.

 

[Manaaja]

I wish I had ctb about two years ago. After joining, it got better for one year, I was really happy, and now it's been a shit show for about 1,5 years and I'd cut off my arm to be able to go back in time and ctb when I was still doing better. (I still wanted to ctb when I was happier, but it was at least the happiest I had ever been in this life, imagine if your life is 0/10 and then it raises to 5/10 you still want to ctb but your life is also a lot better and you're a lot happier).

 

[Just A NPC]

I will probably respond more in depth later, but the answer for me is it goes up and down. Sometimes it feels like it is better, but when that shit crashes down the bad feels so much worse. The older I get (almost 40 now) the bad times seem to vastly outweigh the good times.

But the good times feel amazing when they do come. Wish there were more of those days, honestly.

 

[LADY007]

Hey, older members, genuine question: Does it ever really get better? I'm relatively young, but I've been suicidal since I've been aware of my own existence. There's good and bad in life, sure, but there's so much more bad and so little good. Even if there was more good than bad, I'm tired of both of them. Does it ever get easier? I'm just out of the hospital, and all I can think about, even after being drugged out of my mind, is how badly I wish I had not been found and had not failed. All I can think about is the cold steel of a gun barrel in my mouth. So, does it get better? Honestly? It hasn't yet, and I'm so tired. I'm tired of fighting to do everything every day. I'm tired of this existence. I'm tired of being. Will it ever go away? Sorry for the ramble, I just need these answers. Everyone in life loves to say it does, because they don't want to discourage you. They're never honest about it though, because when they are, the answer is no.

Definitely different for each person's circumstances. For me, did not get better. Sixty years old ..started to be a bit more forgetful and weaker physically. Glad I bought my gas cylinder last year..because I would have a harder time carrying it downstairs than I did. (heavy) Now 70 and very aware of maternal predisposition to Alzheimer's. Originally bought it in case of that. Now glad I have it in general so as not to become dependent on anyone abusive. Feel just as sorry for caregivers as dependent people because that job is very hard for very low pay.

 

[Kobusu]

Definitely different for each person's circumstances. For me, did not get better. Sixty years old ..started to be a bit more forgetful and weaker physically. Glad I bought my gas cylinder last year..because I would have a harder time carrying it downstairs than I did. (heavy) Now 70 and very aware of maternal predisposition to Alzheimer's. Originally bought it in case of that. Now glad I have it in general so as not to become dependent on anyone abusive. Feel just as sorry for caregivers as dependent people because that job is very hard for very low pay.

Yeah getting old is a terrifying prospect for me. I'm glad we have our methods and know the proper way to go about ctb when it's time. I feel for your situation, and if I could give you my youth, I would happily. I only hope your days are still bearable as things are.

 

[just_wanna_die]

Definitely different for each person's circumstances. For me, did not get better. Sixty years old ..started to be a bit more forgetful and weaker physically. Glad I bought my gas cylinder last year..because I would have a harder time carrying it downstairs than I did. (heavy) Now 70 and very aware of maternal predisposition to Alzheimer's. Originally bought it in case of that. Now glad I have it in general so as not to become dependent on anyone abusive. Feel just as sorry for caregivers as dependent people because that job is very hard for very low pay.

My mother has Alzheimer's, started 3 years ago when she was 84 (now 87 and after breaking her hip in March, she is in a long term care facility and can barely remember my name) and I fear that this will be my fate eventually too if I should live long enough (I'm 52). Her father, my grandfather, also had Alzheimer's at the age of 84 and was dead at 88. What I noticed with Alzheimer's is that we humans are nothing without our memory...and memories. I have asked her if she remembers different events and experiences in her past, and the reply I get is some form of no. What was the point of having lived 87 years, so far, and not being able to recall any of it?! Existence is futile. The sad thing is that when you are healthy, you think it is too soon to cbt. But after symptoms of Alzheimer's appear, you forget what and how to do it, and then it will be too late to cbt yourself. No one else can do it for you, that would be a crime. So you have no choice but to just waste away until you are stricken with a massive stroke, aneurism, heart attack, or choke to death. One of these will be how my mother will pass away before long.

 

[LADY007]

My mother has Alzheimer's, started 3 years ago when she was 84 (now 87 and after breaking her hip in March, she is in a long term care facility and can barely remember my name) and I fear that this will be my fate eventually too if I should live long enough (I'm 52). Her father, my grandfather, also had Alzheimer's at the age of 84 and was dead at 88. What I noticed with Alzheimer's is that we humans are nothing without our memory...and memories. I have asked her if she remembers different events and experiences in her past, and the reply I get is some form of no. What was the point of having lived 87 years, so far, and not being able to recall any of it?! Existence is futile. The sad thing is that when you are healthy, you think it is too soon to cbt. But after symptoms of Alzheimer's appear, you forget what and how to do it, and then it will be too late to cbt yourself. No one else can do it for you, that would be a crime. So you have no choice but to just waste away until you are stricken with a massive stroke, aneurism, heart attack, or choke to death. One of these will be how my mother will pass away before long.

Well stated. Some people languish like that for a decade! It is torture for them and torture for those of us who visit, feel guilty when we don't visit and wondering how they are being treated without us.

 

[just_wanna_die]

Well stated. Some people languish like that for a decade! It is torture for them and torture for those of us who visit, feel guilty when we don't visit and wondering how they are being treated without us.

Indeed. Where my mother is now is back on lockdown again because of COVID, so I can't visit her until who knows when, maybe just before Christmas? The first lockdown was back in mid-August for "2 weeks". I wasn't able to see her again until the end of September (6 weeks later!) for 1 visit, as the next day they went back into lockdown for another "2 weeks" that lasted another 4 weeks. It's important to me that she be able to see me. Otherwise, she is more likely to forget me and if that happens, and she can't remember my name anymore, or know who I am....well...I may as well cbt. It's not like my mother will morn me, she won't know I've died and if she's told, she'll forget 2 minutes later. So perhaps it's a good thing. She doesn't seem to know or care where she is and when she does pass away, I believe she won't know that either. After we die, will not know we are dead and at the same token, we will not know we were ever alive. Permanent unconsciousness. Aristotle is quoted as saying we are all born "tabula rasa" (a blank or clean slate) and I believe he could have also said the same when we die, as the "slate" is wiped clean at the moment we die.

 

[NumbItAll]

It definitely depends on the person and the circumstances so I can only talk about my own. Things have improved for me since I first joined this site, to the point that I don't intend on killing myself any time soon. However, that doesn't mean it's been worth it, and my general outlook on life is still very bad. I hate existing, but suicide also feels like a bad option for me right now, so I'm just kind of stuck wasting away until something drastic happens or I'm dead. :/

 

[Darkover]

my life ended at 18 it never got any better just progressively worse, just wish i'd killed my self at 18, basically went through all that suffering for fuck all nothing in the end