Venting Oh man, what a life. Does anyone else just think too abstractly?

[Wishing for Luck]

I've heard before, "If you think too much about anything, you'll kill yourself." This phrase is too real. I've spent my life thinking about the circumstances that have led me to wishing to CTB and how systematic it seems.

The constant struggle of a culture you don't fit into, the pressures from a society that you're thrusted into, and all the rest. How can anyone truly endure the pain of existing unwillingly? How can someone enjoy life without dulling themselves to the point of being brain dead?

I wish I felt someone had my back, but when things are so abstract and confusing then even the concept of "having your back" is blurred. I've paid people to have my back (see: therapists, psychiatrists, etc) and I've even had friends who say they care about me. But what it all boils down to is my own life and how I handle things. If I can't handle suffering, then why should I force myself to? Maybe I'm repeating something everyone has heard all too many times, but at a bare minimum: thanks for listening.

The next step is SI and how to handle that. Maybe I can try to not think about that too deeply; there is so much going on in such a small mind.

 

[theguineapigking]

Hey. I totally get what you mean. I myself hate life. Society is a joke. Most people seem to be beyond stupid. You have no choice about being born into life,whether that be rich or poor,healthy or ill,have a loving family or abusive family,etc. Life really is unfair in so many ways.


Have you tried medications yet from your physiatrist? Have you been seeing them for a long time? How long have you been depressed and or suicidal?

I honestly can't say life is amazing or anything like that,and I can't say life is really worth it,as that's for each to decide on their own. But there are some good things in life,such as your friends.



I know that you're suffering. And the question arises as to whether or not you should continue living if it's just going to be full of suffering. Well,do you have any hobbies? Anything in life that you find worth it? Do you hang out with friends or family often? Is there anyone you can talk to about your problems besides the people you pay? It can be really nice to have someone to talk to..I can say that from experience,as I have my mom I can confide in.


Maybe you could find something in life worth living for. Maybe your future holds something good. But ultimately that is up to you to decide if it's worth holding on for a while longer or not.



I know there's nothing I can do or say to make you feel better. But If you need someone to talk to in the meantime,I'm here for you.

 

[Wishing for Luck]

Tried so many medications. The process cost me my career, ultimately. Some people are simply not designed for life and I believe I am one of them. I gave it the amount of years I thought I could do and here I am.

My first attempts were in late 2017, haven't tried since then. I realized it was too early to make a rational judgment. Now I have deliberated for years and believe that I have given enough thought. I just need my body and brain to understand each other.

 

[theguineapigking]

Tried so many medications. The process cost me my career, ultimately. Some people are simply not designed for life and I believe I am one of them. I gave it the amount of years I thought I could do and here I am.

My first attempts were in late 2017, haven't tried since then. I realized it was too early to make a rational judgment. Now I have deliberated for years and believe that I have given enough thought. I just need my body and brain to understand each other.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

It is good that you have given it time and not rushed into it,as many people do that.



Is there anyone in your life that you can lean on a bit? Like your parents? Are you more physically ill or is it all mental? Do you work full time? You said it cost you your career. Does this mean you have a job you hate right now? If so,does this contribute to you feeling extra bad? For me,I was a cashier part time at Office Depot. But oh boy I hated it. I HATED it. I eventually got a better position and ended up feeling slightly less depressed overall,because as cashier I hate to ring people out so much it made me want to die just so I didn't have to go into work. My point is work can contribute to your already existing depression more than you may notice.


But yeah,I can't argue that death isn't tempting. I'm planning to go soon,but of course the thought of my family always creeps into my mind and prevents me from actually hanging myself.

Like I said,I know I can't really help you as I'm just some random person on the internet. But I'm here for you. Chat back if you'd like :)

 

[Wishing for Luck]

I'm so sorry for your pain.

It is good that you have given it time and not rushed into it,as many people do that.



Is there anyone in your life that you can lean on a bit? Like your parents? Are you more physically ill or is it all mental? Do you work full time? You said it cost you your career. Does this mean you have a job you hate right now? If so,does this contribute to you feeling extra bad? For me,I was a cashier part time at Office Depot. But oh boy I hated it. I HATED it. I eventually got a better position and ended up feeling slightly less depressed overall,because as cashier I hate to ring people out so much it made me want to die just so I didn't have to go into work. My point is work can contribute to your already existing depression more than you may notice.


But yeah,I can't argue that death isn't tempting. I'm planning to go soon,but of course the thought of my family always creeps into my mind and prevents me from actually hanging myself.

Like I said,I know I can't really help you as I'm just some random person on the internet. But I'm here for you. Chat back if you'd like :)

I have done all the leaning I can do. At some point you just lose balance and don't regain it, or at least in my situation that's how it worked. I do have some mental and physical conditions, in fact the physical condition is what costed me my job. Now I am back in school trying to pursue what I always thought was my dream, but it isn't.

It's just another part of the cycle for me. Living through another period in which I don't have much going for me, but trying to convince myself things will change for the better. I bounced around in other jobs trying many facets of life only to find I had no place in any of them. Thanks for listening

 

[theguineapigking]

I have done all the leaning I can do. At some point you just lose balance and don't regain it, or at least in my situation that's how it worked. I do have some mental and physical conditions, in fact the physical condition is what costed me my job. Now I am back in school trying to pursue what I always thought was my dream, but it isn't.

It's just another part of the cycle for me. Living through another period in which I don't have much going for me, but trying to convince myself things will change for the better. I bounced around in other jobs trying many facets of life only to find I had no place in any of them. Thanks for listening

Hey. No problem. I know it's nice to have someone to talk with.


I don't know what you have,but I have physical issues too. I have mitochondrial disease that causes extreme fatigue,brain fog,dizziness,migraine,etc that never ever goes away. The migraine is always there at least a little bit and flares up easily. Temperature,especially heat,effects my migraines and dizziness more. I live with my parents still at age 21 with no future motivation or college. I work 15 hours a week just to get some money for the little bit of fun I can have. I don't drive either and recently my 17 year old brother got his license. I had my permit but my fatigue was so bad I quit driving. I saved for a car for months working part time as a stupid cashier. I drove it for 3 weeks with my permit. 3 weeks. I spent like $2,900 towards it which took 6 months to make the money. I gave the car to my dad since his had just been totaled(like 3 years ago). Now my brother drives that too.


I totally get physical and mental disabilities. I wasn't trying to rant to you or anything although it's nice to type it out for some reason. I just wanted you to see I totally understand physical and mental struggles.

You said you've done all the leaning you can do.Hopefully your family would still be there for you at least somewhat. You could always try talking to them in person for mental support. I know not all families are open like that. Luckily my mom will talk with me And is very kind and loving. Hopefully you have someone in person you can talk with. Even if you want to die,it can at least help you not suffer as much. Additionally there's something called valerian root that is a natural relaxer. It's over the counter and cheap. It can help you mentally calm down if you feel like jumping out of your skin. It helps me.(just a thought if you need something)

And again it's no problem dude. I'm here if you want to talk more at all. I almost failed to get out of my rope when I was practicing partial hanging. So who knows how much longer I'll be here... but as long as I am you're more than welcome to chat with me if you need to.

 

[TAW122]

I am in a similar boat as well. Life sucks and my circumstances are chronic, long term, without any solution or reprieve in the end. Also, even for temporary solace and peace, I ask myself "Is it worth all the trouble and suffering only to experience some joy and fleeting joy at that?" If I am being honest with myself, then the answer and verdict that I always arrive at is "No. It isn't worth it. Everyone and every living thing will eventually die/pass/expire, so what the difference in CTB'ing now versus many decades later or to die of other causes?" Therefore, I see life as a pointless endeavor that humans were subject to without their own free will or choice. We only assign (arbitrary) value to life to give it 'meaning', sometimes that takes the form of a "god", "higher power", or "whatever floats the person's boat/imagination/beliefs/etc."

With that said, I'm sorry to hear that you feel this way and I wish you the best in finding peace in whatever you choose to do.

 

[Pan]

I do. This is an evil, ruthlessly inequitable society; unfortunately, this is a HUMAN society being guided and enabled by the evil and corrupt few.