Venting OCD ruined my life, and is now ruining my death.

[AprilsForeignWinds]

I've had OCD for as long as I can remember. Started with religious OCD at age 5-6. It's ruined my life. I started debating schizophrenia at age 10. Fear has taken over and I am constantly scared. The only memories I have of my early childhood are fearful moments.

Now, I finally decide to do something about it and just end it. The only way the thoughts would actually stop, the only way I can stop feeding the loop, is dying. I know this. I thought this decision would finally free me from the cycle.

I've been saying this for three years now. "Planning" it for three years. I can't fucking do it. I need it to be perfect.

I am so obsessed with my death, that it's become my new reason to live.

I've attempted too many times to count. Everytime, my OCD stops me.

I'm so fucking tired, please how do I just do it?
Without spiraling over everything that could go wrong. Or everything that will happen after. Or everything leading up to it.
Without obsessing over if I forgot something, If something is missing.

Anyone else feeling this?

 

[rs929]

Sorry I know it's not what you asked, but have you tried meds and ERP therapy?
I'm on clomipramine now and the OCD is manageable.
Your OCD probably won't let you die because you won't be 100% sure. So if you don't deal with it you won't be able neither to live nor die

 

[StoicPizza]

I've had OCD for as long as I can remember. Started with religious OCD at age 5-6. It's ruined my life. I started debating schizophrenia at age 10. Fear has taken over and I am constantly scared. The only memories I have of my early childhood are fearful moments.

Now, I finally decide to do something about it and just end it. The only way the thoughts would actually stop, the only way I can stop feeding the loop, is dying. I know this. I thought this decision would finally free me from the cycle.

I've been saying this for three years now. "Planning" it for three years. I can't fucking do it. I need it to be perfect.

I am so obsessed with my death, that it's become my new reason to live.

I've attempted too many times to count. Everytime, my OCD stops me.

I'm so fucking tired, please how do I just do it?
Without spiraling over everything that could go wrong. Or everything that will happen after. Or everything leading up to it.
Without obsessing over if I forgot something, If something is missing.

Anyone else feeling this?

They told me I have OCD. One psychiatrist is debating that diagnosis. But, I might have it. Anyway. Yes. I relate. And it has ruined my lite and my death.