card1nal
trying to find peace by whatever means possible :)
- Jan 23, 2023
- 72
I knew I had OCD because it was kind of obvious. My doctor was floating the idea that I could have it, but only just recently he officially diagnosed me. I feel so utterly hopeless and broken. It's different for me to think I could have OCD or to understand that a lot of my behaviors and thoughts were a result of that, but to have an official diagnosis feels so earth-shattering. This is a part of me and I am stuck with it.
I don't even want to tell anyone I know. I feel so ashamed. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm going to be starting medication within the next few days, but I keep asking myself, "What if it doesn't work? What if I'm stuck like this and nothing I can do will fix me?" I guess not being officially diagnosed made me feel more like this was something I could fix or control. There are so many other parts of myself that feel out of my control, but I felt like I somehow had control over this. I hoped to feel relieved finally hearing someone confirm my beliefs, but it made me afraid instead.
I know I'm only having a temporary crisis, but how many of these will I have to experience? I know an official diagnosis doesn't change anything except for now having an opportunity to be treated, but it feels like it changes everything. I'm so afraid and worn out. I'm so tired of my base state being crippling anxiety.
I don't even want to tell anyone I know. I feel so ashamed. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm going to be starting medication within the next few days, but I keep asking myself, "What if it doesn't work? What if I'm stuck like this and nothing I can do will fix me?" I guess not being officially diagnosed made me feel more like this was something I could fix or control. There are so many other parts of myself that feel out of my control, but I felt like I somehow had control over this. I hoped to feel relieved finally hearing someone confirm my beliefs, but it made me afraid instead.
I know I'm only having a temporary crisis, but how many of these will I have to experience? I know an official diagnosis doesn't change anything except for now having an opportunity to be treated, but it feels like it changes everything. I'm so afraid and worn out. I'm so tired of my base state being crippling anxiety.
