Obsessed with my long-over childhood, sleep, and death

[LookMomImFlying]

Nobody's life is perfect. In fact my family was very average as far as income and what not. But god I miss my childhood. I had so much fun, so many great memories, and most importantly, so many missed opportunities. I love sleeping because it seems like I have dreams about my childhood all the time.

Ever since I graduated high school, I've worked at least one 40-hour job and sometimes a second 20 hour job like now, just to pay for my shitty apartment that I rarely even get to see, and student loans. My job sucks, I have no friends, I isolate myself because I just don't want to act fake, my life sucks. I haven't had sex in four years. I have no time to even kind of date women and even if I did, I don't feel like acting fake. I don't use Facebook. Its fake and nauseating. So basically my life is working all the time, sleeping all the time, and figuring out the best way to exit this worthless existence. Glad I live alone and work in software (I know internet protocols well) because if I was a regular Joe, my search history would be all Nembutal, hanging, shooting in head, jumping from bridges, etc.

I just want to die. There is no purpose in this life. I watch the Matrix at least once a week because this life HAS to be a computer simulation. Its so fucked up. I don't know where most of you live, but the USA is particularly fucked up. Weird dystopian police state that most of the population LOVES. Its so creepy. And now I'll take my Tylenol PM and pass out, hoping tonight I dream about 8th grade since last night was 10th grade.

 

[Dead Girl Don't Care]

I watch the Matrix at least once a week because this life HAS to be a computer simulation. Its so fucked up.Its so fucked up. I don't know where most of you live, but the USA is particularly fucked up. Weird dystopian police state that most of the population LOVES. Its so creepy.

I live in the US and you are exactly right. I mean a lot of countries are fucked up, but for a first world country the amount of, normal, legal--and even encouraged--inequality is disgusting. The battle over abortion is abhorrent, the prejudice against LGBT people is disheartening, women get paid less, no one cares about all the black people cops are killing, healthcare is a joke, we're flirting with becoming a religious state, and corporations own everything including political sway, it's not nearly as perfect as some patriots believe.

On another note, why does it have to be a simulation? I mean it can't be ruled out as a possibility, though I desperately hope that isn't the case. It seems hellish to me to not be allowed to die.

 

[LookMomImFlying]

I live in the US and you are exactly right. I mean a lot of countries are fucked up, but for a first world country the amount of, normal, legal--and even encouraged--inequality is disgusting. The battle over abortion is abhorrent, the prejudice against LGBT people is disheartening, women get paid less, no one cares about all the black people cops are killing, healthcare is a joke, we're flirting with becoming a religious state, and corporations own everything including political sway, it's not nearly as perfect as some patriots believe.

On another note, why does it have to be a simulation? I mean it can't be ruled out as a possibility, though I desperately hope that isn't the case. It seems hellish to me to not be allowed to die.

The endless left/right politics are what's so nauseating. There's no such thing as middle/moderate/reasonable anymore. Everything is far left extreme or far right extreme. These two sides (tribes) that everybody wants to latch onto are just petty to me. Both sides love war and mayhem. Look at all the Presidents except Kennedy and Carter. All of them love war and killing people. What's wrong with just being a decent person, not forcing your own ideas onto others, respecting others, and doing whatever you want as long as you hurt nobody else in the process? That just doesn't fly in this place or really this world.

If this human reality is not a computer simulation, than humans are really no more sophisticated than insects. Whoever has the most/biggest guns and are willing to kill people are the ones who rule everything; and those are the most evil people. So people who just want to live a decent life will compromise their own hearts and principles to be part of the biggest gun tribe and feel part of something powerful. To me, this seems like a video game.

 

[FullFat]

The endless left/right politics are what's so nauseating. There's no such thing as middle/moderate/reasonable anymore. Everything is far left extreme or far right extreme. These two sides (tribes) that everybody wants to latch onto are just petty to me. Both sides love war and mayhem. Look at all the Presidents except Kennedy and Carter. All of them love war and killing people. What's wrong with just being a decent person, not forcing your own ideas onto others, respecting others, and doing whatever you want as long as you hurt nobody else in the process? That just doesn't fly in this place or really this world.

If this human reality is not a computer simulation, than humans are really no more sophisticated than insects. Whoever has the most/biggest guns and are willing to kill people are the ones who rule everything; and those are the most evil people. So people who just want to live a decent life will compromise their own hearts and principles to be part of the biggest gun tribe and feel part of something powerful. To me, this seems like a video game.

The polarization is killing everyone. Even the partisans are tiring. When went to grad school out of state, I couldn't believe how huge the division was being liberals and conservatives on campus. My undergrad was a middle class, commuter school, so I didn't really see much political conflict. Leaving my home state gave me new perspective on my political orientation. I learned I'm much closer to the middle than I had believed. I used to scorn people in the middle as fence-sitters. Now, of course, I am more sympathetic, but 5 years ago, I felt like I could confidently place myself on the left. The extreme leftism I saw in grad school turned me off. I often couldn't believe my ears, especially due to all the vitriol that was being spewed.

 

[unbeleafable]

Honestly, America is fucked.

The worst part is the most important people are ignoring it. The higher ups want to stick with the whole "America is the hero to the world" and "we can do no wrong persona." When it's blatantly obvious that everything is going to shits.

 

[millefeui]

I don't agree with the Matrix theory (though I never dismiss anything, as I don't know the truth, if there is one), but I do think there is something very off with this world and reality itself. I am not sure if it is more of a scientific or spiritual thing (though I think if there is "anything else", it is likely as scientific as it is spiritual), but I just can't shake the feeling there is more, and that something isn't quite right. It is partially why I find so difficult to believe in nonexistence, as much as I desire it.

Personally, I am not fit for this world. Aside from the ugliness that come from humankind's nature, I am not in the group of people that find the world particularly beautiful. I guess it is just my inner weeb speaking, but I find "real life" things to be overly detailed and complex. Try looking really close to someone's skin or even your own. It is so gross. So weird.

I guess the truth is I wish I could live in one of those anime world, where things usually look really simple, and still very pretty. Since that is not possible (logically speaking), can I just disappear forever instead?

 

[LookMomImFlying]

I don't agree with the Matrix theory (though I never dismiss anything, as I don't know the truth, if there is one), but I do think there is something very off with this world and reality itself. I am not sure if it is more of a scientific or spiritual thing (though I think if there is "anything else", it is likely as scientific as it is spiritual), but I just can't shake the feeling there is more, and that something isn't quite right. It is partially why I find so difficult to believe in nonexistence, as much as I desire it.

Personally, I am not fit for this world. Aside from the ugliness that come from humankind's nature, I am not in the group of people that find the world particularly beautiful. I guess it is just my inner weeb speaking, but I find "real life" things to be overly detailed and complex. Try looking really close to someone's skin or even your own. It is so gross. So weird.

I guess the truth is I wish I could live in one of those anime world, where things usually look really simple, and still very pretty. Since that is not possible (logically speaking), can I just disappear forever instead?

I don't necessarily believe we're in a Matrix per-se. Like you, I don't really know what this world is, but there is definitely something wrong and always has been something wrong. Its really only been the last 1,000 years that everything has been about perpetual genocide and manipulation.

One theory I've looked into (but don't necessarily believe) is the whole alien life that has no interest in the well-being of humans, took on a anthropomorphic form pretending to be humans (i.e. the billionaires) 1,000 years ago and playing us like toys because they don't care about humanity. It makes sense, since one of these people could feed every starving human on the planet for years.

The theory I do kind of believe is that Earth is the hell described in the Bible and other religious texts. It also makes a lot of sense, since a vast majority of humanity is always suffering, whether from hunger, war, or some other torture for the profit of someone else. Somewhere along the line we screwed up and were sentenced to this world. Those who embrace the evil of this world are perpetually recycled (reincarnated) as a newborn; those who discover the truth free their souls from this prison. There are some interesting Bible, Qu'ran, and Talmud versus that make me believe this theory more.

But I agree with you. I don't know the truth, and am open to listen to, read, and analyze anything because something is definitely not right about this world. I definitely do not belong here. I did like my childhood for the most part and I think many people can/could adapt to this world if all the card fall in place. But that did not happen to me. My dreams are all I look forward to these days. That means sleeping and taking sleeping drugs is my only pleasure. Wish I was never born here.

 

[millefeui]

I don't necessarily believe we're in a Matrix per-se. Like you, I don't really know what this world is, but there is definitely something wrong and always has been something wrong. Its really only been the last 1,000 years that everything has been about perpetual genocide and manipulation.

One theory I've looked into (but don't necessarily believe) is the whole alien life that has no interest in the well-being of humans, took on a anthropomorphic form pretending to be humans (i.e. the billionaires) 1,000 years ago and playing us like toys because they don't care about humanity. It makes sense, since one of these people could feed every starving human on the planet for years.

The theory I do kind of believe is that Earth is the hell described in the Bible and other religious texts. It also makes a lot of sense, since a vast majority of humanity is always suffering, whether from hunger, war, or some other torture for the profit of someone else. Somewhere along the line we screwed up and were sentenced to this world. Those who embrace the evil of this world are perpetually recycled (reincarnated) as a newborn; those who discover the truth free their souls from this prison. There are some interesting Bible, Qu'ran, and Talmud versus that make me believe this theory more.

But I agree with you. I don't know the truth, and am open to listen to, read, and analyze anything because something is definitely not right about this world. I definitely do not belong here. I did like my childhood for the most part and I think many people can/could adapt to this world if all the card fall in place. But that did not happen to me. My dreams are all I look forward to these days. That means sleeping and taking sleeping drugs is my only pleasure. Wish I was never born here.

I considered that possibility, too. That Earth is hell or some kind of punishing grounds. I can definitely imagine a place worse than Earth, but Earth itself is bad enough to not be considered good. Very, very few people are actually "happy" and have good lives. Most of us are miserable, even if most pretend not to be and keep telling themselves they love life and to live. I am not too fond of this place being Hell itself as I don't like the idea of God, but that is beside the point.

I always felt like I didn't belong here since I was a kid, too. I felt and still feel discomfort being in this body and I am totally inapt at living among humans. I don't know if that has any bigger meaning or if that just means the chemicals and wiring in my brain have been messed up since I was a kid. Either way, I still hope to cease to exist, since it is unlikely I would get to reincarnate (or some other crazy thing such as reincarnation) in a bubbly cute anime world.

 

[millefeui]

On another note, why does it have to be a simulation? I mean it can't be ruled out as a possibility, though I desperately hope that isn't the case. It seems hellish to me to not be allowed to die.

Agreed. That is what scares me about reincarnation, but also bothers me in the simulation theory... In the reincarnation theory it is VERY scary since I could be forced to reincarnate in the same or worse circumstances, over and over and over again. The books writing by Allan Kardec actually support this, and Buddhism is also very harsh with the karma shenanigans (in particular for people who kill themselves... lots of bad karma, supposedly). Heck, just reincarnating in this hell is already bad enough.

Less so in the simulation theory, since I could perhaps kill myself for good after waking from the simulation — if that is even possible... what if we are nothing but sophisticated computer software? What if the people who have it easy in life are actual existing beings connected to simulation and we are nothing but fodder, useless pseudo-AI, created to entertain the ones in control of the simulation? I mean, if you want to entertain the idea of the world being a simulation, this isn't that hard to believe either. Humans like to believe they have free will, but are we really free willed? I have my doubts. Everything we do and believe we did because we wanted could have happened because we were programmed to do so. For me, it isn't a hard concept to digest, but then again I am a rather weird person.

 

[El Topo]

I don't necessarily believe we're in a Matrix per-se. Like you, I don't really know what this world is, but there is definitely something wrong and always has been something wrong. Its really only been the last 1,000 years that everything has been about perpetual genocide and manipulation.

One theory I've looked into (but don't necessarily believe) is the whole alien life that has no interest in the well-being of humans, took on a anthropomorphic form pretending to be humans (i.e. the billionaires) 1,000 years ago and playing us like toys because they don't care about humanity. It makes sense, since one of these people could feed every starving human on the planet for years.

The theory I do kind of believe is that Earth is the hell described in the Bible and other religious texts. It also makes a lot of sense, since a vast majority of humanity is always suffering, whether from hunger, war, or some other torture for the profit of someone else. Somewhere along the line we screwed up and were sentenced to this world. Those who embrace the evil of this world are perpetually recycled (reincarnated) as a newborn; those who discover the truth free their souls from this prison. There are some interesting Bible, Qu'ran, and Talmud versus that make me believe this theory more.

But I agree with you. I don't know the truth, and am open to listen to, read, and analyze anything because something is definitely not right about this world. I definitely do not belong here. I did like my childhood for the most part and I think many people can/could adapt to this world if all the card fall in place. But that did not happen to me. My dreams are all I look forward to these days. That means sleeping and taking sleeping drugs is my only pleasure. Wish I was never born here.

You might be interested in learning about the Gnostics, which is somewhat of an umbrella term for various quasi-Christian-Jewish-Platonic groups that formed in the Mediterranean area around the beginning of the current era. They believed that Jehovah/Yahweh was not a true god, but a delusional demiurge who was sort of like an aborted fetus. His army of Archons rule the physical universe and toy with humanity by mimicking our minds and giving us false thoughts. The Gnostics' goal was to escape this universe in order to get back to the "true" God.

By the way, you mentioned working in software. Do you know if ISPs keep records of our search history? If I wipe my computer before self-delivering, can my search history still be retrieved? Thanks.

 

[LookMomImFlying]

You might be interested in learning about the Gnostics, which is somewhat of an umbrella term for various quasi-Christian-Jewish-Platonic groups that formed in the Mediterranean area around the beginning of the current era. They believed that Jehovah/Yahweh was not a true god, but a delusional demiurge who was sort of like an aborted fetus. His army of Archons rule the physical universe and toy with humanity by mimicking our minds and giving us false thoughts. The Gnostics' goal was to escape this universe in order to get back to the "true" God.

By the way, you mentioned working in software. Do you know if ISPs keep records of our search history? If I wipe my computer before self-delivering, can my search history still be retrieved? Thanks.

Thank you for the new knowledge. I've been reading about Gnosis for the past 10 minutes! :)

Yes, your ISP knows more about you than your mom does. You and everyone in this forum should be using the Tor browser and should have created your profile on the Tor browser. The second layer of defense is a VPN (virtual private network). I pay $40/yr for mine, but there are free ones as well. They have ads, are slow, and sometimes hard to connect to. But they are free (that's why I recommend paying for a good one).

https://www.vpnmentor.com/blog/top-really-free-vpn-services/

Third, don't use Google. Use Startpage or DuckDuckGo. If you do all three of these things, and don't use Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter, you're about 99% anonymous online. ***EDIT: if you choose to use Google, Facebook, etc., make sure you are signed out of them when you are doing stuff you don't want government to know.

They could still find you, but its highly unlikely...virtually impossible if you do all the aforementioned. Too many server relays and too much encryption involved when you do all this. Also use ProtonMail. Its encrypted and free.

If you do a complete wipe (believe its a partition level 8 on a Mac), they cannot recover anything. But if you absolutely do not want anyone to be able to have your info, just remove the hard drive before you exit, and destroy it.

 

[El Topo]

Thank you for the new knowledge. I've been reading about Gnosis for the past 10 minutes! :)

Yes, your ISP knows more about you than your mom does. You and everyone in this forum should be using the Tor browser and should have created your profile on the Tor browser. The second layer of defense is a VPN (virtual private network). I pay $40/yr for mine, but there are free ones as well. They have ads, are slow, and sometimes hard to connect to. But they are free (that's why I recommend paying for a good one).

https://www.vpnmentor.com/blog/top-really-free-vpn-services/

Third, don't use Google. Use Startpage or DuckDuckGo. If you do all three of these things, and don't use Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter, you're about 99% anonymous online. ***EDIT: if you choose to use Google, Facebook, etc., make sure you are signed out of them when you are doing stuff you don't want government to know.

They could still find you, but its highly unlikely...virtually impossible if you do all the aforementioned. Too many server relays and too much encryption involved when you do all this. Also use ProtonMail. Its encrypted and free.

If you do a complete wipe (believe its a partition level 8 on a Mac), they cannot recover anything. But if you absolutely do not want anyone to be able to have your info, just remove the hard drive before you exit, and destroy it.

Thank you for the detailed reply. I'm familiar with Tor, Startpage, and Protonmail.

What VPN do you use? I've tried the free ones and yeah, they are slow. I'm willing to pay $40/yr for a good one.