obsessed with endings

[dreadpirateroberts69]

I feel like part of my SI has a lot to do with the fact that I am obsessed with endings. Think about the phrase "all's well that ends well." Or how people sometimes don't like movies that have sad endings because the ending colors the entire movie for them. Ever since I was a kid I wanted my life to be like a movie with a happy ending. But I'm starting to feel more and more like it isn't possible. I used to wonder a lot where I would be when I die and what my life would end up being. Before I ctb I know I must get over the sadness and grief of not being able to live my dreams or have a happy ending in this life. Can anyone else relate?

 

[eurydice]

Kind of? I haven't believed a happy ending is possible for me for quite some time, but I have always loved stories and the idea of things being neatly wrapped up, all loose ends cut away, all emotional storylines coming to a satisfying resolution (not happy necessarily, just satisfying). A large part of why I've struggled in the past to really commit to a plan, and a big trigger for my SI is that no successful cbt will allow me to have that resolution. I'll just be gone. I have a fantasy of someone finding me while I'm dying, and just holding me and being comforting and telling me they love me, just before I fade away painlessly. I know that's never going to happen. I know that when I cbt I will be alone, crushingly lonely, that it will be painful and possibly take some time. That I will be scared and no one will comfort me. That I will get no resolution, no closure, just an abrupt end. And I am grieving that. I don't think I'll be able to go through with it until I make my peace with that.

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

Kind of? I haven't believed a happy ending is possible for me for quite some time, but I have always loved stories and the idea of things being neatly wrapped up, all loose ends cut away, all emotional storylines coming to a satisfying resolution (not happy necessarily, just satisfying). A large part of why I've struggled in the past to really commit to a plan, and a big trigger for my SI is that no successful cbt will allow me to have that resolution. I'll just be gone. I have a fantasy of someone finding me while I'm dying, and just holding me and being comforting and telling me they love me, just before I fade away painlessly. I know that's never going to happen. I know that when I cbt I will be alone, crushingly lonely, that it will be painful and possibly take some time. That I will be scared and no one will comfort me. That I will get no resolution, no closure, just an abrupt end. And I am grieving that. I don't think I'll be able to go through with it until I make my peace with that.

YES, all of this. You worded it much better and more eloquently than I did even though it was my post, haha. I have learned that a big part of life that people (at least those who haven't dealt with death or having a deathwish) like to ignore is coming to terms with your own death and what that entails. It's a journey just like everything else in life, so let's be kind to ourselves and give ourselves the time and space we need to do it <3 Wish you the best.

 

[eurydice]

YES, all of this. You worded it much better and more eloquently than I did even though it was my post, haha. I have learned that a big part of life that people (at least those who haven't dealt with death or having a deathwish) like to ignore is coming to terms with your own death and what that entails. It's a journey just like everything else in life, so let's be kind to ourselves and give ourselves the time and space we need to do it <3 Wish you the best.

Thank you <3 Wishing you peace on your journey, wherever it takes you. I think as a society we would be healthier and happier if death wasn't such a taboo, and we were allowed to come to terms with it. I hate this obsession with living forever everyone seems to have. Live longer, look younger, etc. If we put half as much energy into upping quality of life instead of quantity, building community instead of running soul-sucking scam "health" companies, I don't think there would be nearly as many people looking for a way out.

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

Thank you <3 Wishing you peace on your journey, wherever it takes you. I think as a society we would be healthier and happier if death wasn't such a taboo, and we were allowed to come to terms with it. I hate this obsession with living forever everyone seems to have. Live longer, look younger, etc. If we put half as much energy into upping quality of life instead of quantity, building community instead of running soul-sucking scam "health" companies, I don't think there would be nearly as many people looking for a way out.

Yes, I really really wish people weren't so scared of death. Quality is far superior to quantity when it comes to life but most people are so afraid of death they don't even think about this much. I also believe some of the reason suicide leaves those left behind reeling is that they dread their own deaths, so the idea of *wanting* to die is just so frightening and alien to them. The sheer finality of it is the hardest of all to accept, but in the end there is a 100% death rate as Ask A Mortician always says. I would highly recommend watching her videos if you haven't already, I've found them to be very healing for me.

 

[Crazy4u]

I don't relate much because I see 2 scenarios:

- Scenario 1: continue living while being suicidal, try to achieve some dreams and fail, and then suffer from health issues and poverty
- Scenario 2: CTB

Scenario 2 makes more sense to me.

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

I don't relate much because I see 2 scenarios:

- Scenario 1: continue living while being suicidal, try to achieve some dreams and fail, and then suffer from health issues and poverty
- Scenario 2: CTB

Scenario 2 makes more sense to me.

I feel you, this is definitely the logical way to look at it. Unfortunately though, my brain does not want to be logical a lot of the time

 

[Rational man]

We cannot predict happiness because it is a human emotion, that is experienced NOW. We therefore respond to the future when and if it happens. I dont know of many happy deaths. Most people die naturally of old age and disease I've seen some gruesome endings. I do not fear death now ive adjusted to the imminent demise.of my life. I recognise the impermanence of life. We all ultimately , do die!.

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

We cannot predict happiness because it is a human emotion, that is experienced NOW. We therefore respond to the future when and if it happens. I dont know of many happy deaths. Most people die naturally of old age and disease I've seen some gruesome endings. I do not fear death now ive adjusted to the imminent demise.of my life. I recognise the impermanence of life. We all ultimately , do die!.

Yes, it's true that there aren't many happy deaths. This is a good point, it may even help me get over my SI. Death is inevitable, may as well die on your own terms. I suppose I still wonder what will happen if I choose to stick around as I am pretty young (and to be honest, my outward circumstances aren't the worst). However, in the past most people didn't live long past how old I am now anyway. Medical advances and a longer life expectancy have completely transformed the way society views death and aging. Plus I truly, realistically can't see things getting much better for me.

 

[Noctis]

I think catching the bus WILL be my happy ending. After everything life has thrown at me, and all the bullshit I've endured, I think I will be at peace, because I'll know life can't hurt me anymore. It'll be like riding off into the sunset.

 

[Rational man]

Yes, it's true that there aren't many happy deaths. This is a good point, it may even help me get over my SI. Death is inevitable, may as well die on your own terms. I suppose I still wonder what will happen if I choose to stick around as I am pretty young. However, in the past most people didn't live long past how old I am now anyway. Medical advances and a longer life expectancy have completely transformed the way society views death and aging. Plus I truly, realistically can't see things getting much better for me.

SI is another issue. ctb Is a choice, a personal choice. Death is not a choice because we all die eventually. I think humankind needs to confront death because we fear it. Since i lost my fear, every day has become profound. I choose assisted dying because i fear the dying process of my disease.

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

I think catching the bus WILL be my happy ending. After everything life has thrown at me, and all the bullshit I've endured, I think I will be at peace, because I'll know life can't hurt me anymore. It'll be like riding off into the sunset.

That is beautiful, as beautiful as it is sad. I can only hope that I will feel the same when my time comes. In the meantime, I feel like thinking about death and dying has given more meaning to my life, and I see that as a positive thing, so I guess we'll see.

I think humankind needs to confront death because we fear it. Since i lost my fear, every day has become profound.

Yes, this is exactly how I feel too. Perhaps one positive thing that has come about as a result of me constantly trying to imagine my own death

 

[Lost Magic]

I think catching the bus WILL be my happy ending. After everything life has thrown at me, and all the bullshit I've endured, I think I will be at peace, because I'll know life can't hurt me anymore. It'll be like riding off into the sunset.

 

[Sakura94]

(Paraphrasing from a Neil Gaiman comic)
All our stories ultimately end in death. The storyteller just chooses a cut off point.

I'll be honest, I think death will ultimately be sad. It's easy to romanticize it with chocolates, a hotel room, somewhere nice maybe a decent movie playing but with the best will in the world being conscious as a dying brain will be scary. I don't think there is any literature discussing that because no one has come back from it.

 

[Lost Magic]

(Paraphrasing from a Neil Gaiman comic)
All our stories ultimately end in death. The storyteller just chooses a cut off point.

I'll be honest, I think death will ultimately be sad. It's easy to romanticize it with chocolates, a hotel room, somewhere nice maybe a decent movie playing but with the best will in the world being conscious as a dying brain will be scary. I don't think there is any literature discussing that because no one has come back from it.

Well, I'm not so sure about saying that nobody has came back from it, although I know that is a common cliché. There are a lot of accounts of people having a glimpse of what the other side might be with near death experiences. Some even described their operating room environment in minute detail. Even though it would be impossible to know otherwise. Then there are people who have taken substances like DMT and experienced strange parallel worlds with the most incredibly loving beings imaginable. Now, all this might just be the brain playing tricks and maybe when you die the lights just go out, or maybe our consciousness lives on. Who knows. One day, we will all find out for ourselves. As Peter Pan once said: 'To die would be an awfully big adventure.'

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

(Paraphrasing from a Neil Gaiman comic)
All our stories ultimately end in death. The storyteller just chooses a cut off point.

I'll be honest, I think death will ultimately be sad. It's easy to romanticize it with chocolates, a hotel room, somewhere nice maybe a decent movie playing but with the best will in the world being conscious as a dying brain will be scary. I don't think there is any literature discussing that because no one has come back from it.

Nice quote. I will not be conscious as I am dying (I have N) but I think it will still be very difficult nonetheless.

Well, I'm not so sure about saying that nobody has came back from it, although I know that is a common cliché. There are a lot of accounts of people having a glimpse of what the other side might be with near death experiences. Some even described their operating room environment in minute detail. Even though it would be impossible to know otherwise. Then there are people who have taken substances like DMT and experienced strange parallel worlds with the most incredibly loving beings imaginable. Now, all this might just be the brain playing tricks and maybe when you die the lights just go out, or maybe our consciousness lives on. Who knows. One day, we will all find out for ourselves. As the Peter Pan once said: 'To die would be an awfully big adventure.'

I believe NDEs and the like are just the brain playing tricks. We are all just organic matter, when we die we are gone. All that will be left of us is a corpse and others' memories of us. It would be nice to imagine an afterlife but I just find that stuff less and less believable as time goes on. I like that Peter Pan quote though. So many of the animated movies I watched as a kid (Lion King, All Dogs Go To Heaven) had death as a major theme. It's no wonder I have always been so obsessed with it.

 

[Lost Magic]

Nice quote. I will not be conscious as I am dying (I have N) but I think it will still be very difficult nonetheless.

I believe NDEs and the like are just the brain playing tricks. We are all just organic matter, when we die we are gone. All that will be left of us is a corpse and others' memories of us. It would be nice to imagine an afterlife but I just find that stuff less and less believable as time goes on. I like that Peter Pan quote though. So many of the animated movies I watched as a kid (Lion King, All Dogs Go To Heaven) had death as a major theme. It's no wonder I have always been so obsessed with it.

Well, actually we are all roughly made of the same energy as the stars. We are essentially stardust. So perhaps when we die, we just go back to the cosmos. Yeah, those are really beautiful movies. I saw The Lion King in the theatre as a kid, re-released 3d version in the theatre as an adult and then the stage show. I love it when Mufasa presents himself to Simba in his spirit form, living through his son. I deliberately skipped the latest cgi one though lol. All Dogs is also a very sweet Don Bluth movie. They are both movies about death, but they are also about life after death. Nice of you to mention them. Anyway, whatever happens in the next realm, lights out or something else, I just hope we all find some kind of peace. We all deserve that much. You will get your happy ending my friend. It just might be different from what you expect.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I think catching the bus WILL be my happy ending. After everything life has thrown at me, and all the bullshit I've endured, I think I will be at peace, because I'll know life can't hurt me anymore. It'll be like riding off into the sunset.

For me, finally being at peace and free of pain sounds like the ultimate good ending. Throughout my life, I've always been told to look forward to the next stage of it, as great things were coming.

Things were coming alright.. Compounding tress, loss, heightened expectations, illness, heartbreak, tragedy, etc. The prevailing expectation seems to be that with enough grit, tenacity, and hard work, everyone can achieve the fairy tale ending of a lifestyle that inspires happiness and stability. Yet, not everyone will end up living out an idllyic storybook life.

The only thing that brings me peace nowadays is the knowledge that someday, whether it's by my own hand or not, all of this will end. A true good ending is one where the characters feel content with their circumstances.

My body isn't going to stop failing me until I die, so the ultimate relief from all of this nightmare will be abandoning all consciousness and somatic sensation. Often times elderly people will say they're ready to rest when this time comss. Sign me up for the eternal sleep.

 

[Lost Magic]

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For me, finally being at peace and free of pain sounds like the ultimate good ending. Throughout my life, I've always been told to look forward to the next stage of it, as great things were coming.

Things were coming alright.. Compounding tress, loss, heightened expectations, illness, heartbreak, tragedy, etc. The prevailing expectation seems to be that with enough grit, tenacity, and hard work, everyone can achieve the fairy tale ending of a lifestyle that inspires happiness and stability. Yet, not everyone will end up living out an idllyic storybook life.

The only thing that brings me peace nowadays is the knowledge that someday, whether it's by my own hand or not, all of this will end. A true good ending is one where the characters feel content with their circumstances.

My body isn't going to stop failing me until I die, so the ultimate relief from all of this nightmare will be abandoning all consciousness and somatic sensation. Often times elderly people will say they're ready to rest when this time comss. Sign me up for the eternal sleep.

Exactly and there is nothing to fear. It is a natural thing that every living being has to face. I think death is the ultimate reward and the best ending one could hope for. Even people who love life, eventually, get sick of the problems that come with it. Talk show host, Larry King, for example, was terrified of the thought of death and even wanted to be frozen haha. Although, when he was in failing health he wanted to die badly. It was his young son who kept him going for a little while longer because he didn't want him to leave. We don't necessarily want to die, as such. We just want the suffering to end. And suffering can come in all forms. Bring on the big sleep lol

 

[FuneralCry]

Death will be the end for all of us someday, and I want my life to end at a time of my own choosing. I do not want any more days or years, all I have to look forward to is the end. Death is the end of all suffering. More than anything I want an eternal, dreamless sleep. I want nothing to do with life. I am always thinking about the end as I see no point to living, when everyday is just dread and misery.