I worry that I have so much darkness around me because I truly believe suicide/ctb is best for me. I find it hard to be inauthentic and it's comforting to imagine ctb. But!!! I'm not ready and maybe won't ever be—though I doubt that. Anyway, can a person come back from the edge. I attempted suicide at 19. I'm 47 now. I've been thinking about suicide passively for ~20 years and active now for ~7. I worry mine brain is stuck. Thoughts? Anyone comeback from this?
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Abandoned Character
(he./him)
- Mar 24, 2023
- 269
I like to believe there is always a path forward. Even though we are not obligated to find/follow that path, it doesn't hurt to believe it's out there. I am in a similar boat. I don't imagine myself acting on the feelings anytime soon, but it brings me great comfort to think about suicide and abandoning the world completely. Your brain probably is stuck, in some way. You're not alone.
sunshiningbackwards
Member
- Sep 17, 2022
- 53
Idk how old you are but I would imagine 27 cumulative years of contemplating suicide would take a LOT of work to come back from if not damn near impossible. Have you been to therapy/inpatient/etc? What level of treatment have you sought out for this?
Thanks. I like the belief that there's always a path forward & that resonates well with me. Sorry you're in this boat too.
I sense something bigger needs to happen to free me of this but I haven't found it.
I've done all the therapies and please refrain from writing things that make me feel worse. Geez. "Damn near impossible" no worries but do you know this is a rough thing to say to a person that is lost…
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LaVieEnRose
Angelic
- Jul 23, 2022
- 4,252
I've been suicidal for a very long time and I know it'll never go away. Can you share a little more about how you've lived while having these thoughts?
I
Sorry about your sitch, too :( I'm fairly high functioning—job and whatnot. I've done a ton of therapy, share my worries, utilize support ppl, tried meds—on a low dose of sumthin now. Entertain ctb all the time and ultimately just white knuckle life.
Gosh I've spent crazy money on treatments. Gave up a life and dream job and moved states to engage in more treatment. Confessed my thoughts to all that would listen (professionals and some loved ones). Tried to have spiritual experiences. I'm doing guided meditation work on my attachment wounds now. 12 step work. Everything, ughhhh!!!! I just sense that I'm too broken and interpersonally scared to fully recover enough. I bravely go at my fears. I spend the time and money… I can't do more. I live with a lot of fear. Thankfully I haven't gone broke and become homeless (yet).
Maybe find a hobby to distract yourself from suicidal thoughts? Manga , anime , movies , games , music , exercise , etc...
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As long as you are still breathing you can turn things around. I'm younger than you but I've been passively suicidal basically my entire life.
Try to find yourself a purpose. youtu.be/0ZhPLzyNz9c
Try to find yourself a purpose. youtu.be/0ZhPLzyNz9c
LaVieEnRose
Angelic
- Jul 23, 2022
- 4,252
It doesn't seem likely you'll ever be free of your suicidal ideation. The question then becomes the following: what does that mean? Or rather, what does that have to mean? If you feel life is worth living you never have to follow through with what suicidal ideation tells you to do. it sounds like you've been to make something out of life despite the incessant thoughts. How did you manage to motivate yourself to do those things? Anyways if you ever choose to pursue treatment again perhaps the focus should be less on eliminating the suicidal ideation and more on how to live with it.
There's so much life energy inside you right now telling you to ctb. Mathematically speaking, sure you can. That energy that is going into feeding ctb thoughts, if handled in the right direction and under the light of inspiration can surely be invested into a healthier direction
The question is: Do you need to see suicidal thoughts as a problem? I'm asking this, because I have suicidal ideation off and on for half my life by now and prcatically all of my adult life. Despite this, most of the time I feel relatively ok and halfway satisfied with my life. That probably sounds weird and I guess it is. But it seems that from the time between 17 and 20, when suicide was almost always in my mind my mind has formed a habit of having suicidal thoughts whenever I struggle with something in life, get scared of things I have to do, or am simply bored with life as it is and don't know how to change it. So I guess it just became a kind of (bad?) habit for my mind to think of suicide as a way out when I'm confronted with any kind of difficulty in life.
I know that at least for myself this will probably never change. Not least, because I love the thought that life is completely meaningless. Therefore as we have to die anyway, in hindsight (i.e. once we are dead) it doen't matter anymore how or when we died. Therefore it is completely ok to commit suicide for whatever reason, even if it was a reason that others would consider to be stupid or superficial. Obviously that helps keeping my suicidal ideation very much alive and well. But I can't be bothered. For me quality of life is more important than, if I have suicidal thoughts or not. Plus I guess the mere fact that I am absolutely decided of never again getting myself in a situation where I am at someone's elses mercy for any lenght of time (like I was as a child) makes suicide a necessity in case my life makes a turn for the worse (although with the current political stafe of affairs in my country of residence such an outcome is extremly unlikely in the next 50 or 60 years that I might have left to live).
At OP: If you know that you are not ready to ctb, you have to look for stuff to improve your life or learn to live with the darkness anyway. At least for now or until you feel ready to ctb. Sorry, I don't have any good ideas really. I hope I didn't confuse you even more with my post.
I know that at least for myself this will probably never change. Not least, because I love the thought that life is completely meaningless. Therefore as we have to die anyway, in hindsight (i.e. once we are dead) it doen't matter anymore how or when we died. Therefore it is completely ok to commit suicide for whatever reason, even if it was a reason that others would consider to be stupid or superficial. Obviously that helps keeping my suicidal ideation very much alive and well. But I can't be bothered. For me quality of life is more important than, if I have suicidal thoughts or not. Plus I guess the mere fact that I am absolutely decided of never again getting myself in a situation where I am at someone's elses mercy for any lenght of time (like I was as a child) makes suicide a necessity in case my life makes a turn for the worse (although with the current political stafe of affairs in my country of residence such an outcome is extremly unlikely in the next 50 or 60 years that I might have left to live).
At OP: If you know that you are not ready to ctb, you have to look for stuff to improve your life or learn to live with the darkness anyway. At least for now or until you feel ready to ctb. Sorry, I don't have any good ideas really. I hope I didn't confuse you even more with my post.
starrvingstar
suicidal anorexic
- Apr 9, 2023
- 141
best shot is getting of forums like this one and staying away from things that feed your negative thoughts and energy, actively trying to think positively and starting therapy or recovery.
sheepgirl
Student
- Aug 11, 2018
- 119
I was 12 when I first started thinking about suicide and I'm 23 now. I have periods where my suicidal thoughts go away but I always feel deep down one day I will kill myself, probably before I'm 30. I have very obsessive and ruminating thought processes so when I get a thought about something I tend to obsess over it.
I don't see it as a bad thing if the thought to ctb comforts you. I had very little freedom in my life so putting my life into my own hands has been good for my mental health.
I used to be suicidal all alone but now I'm learning to have a life even with suicide in my mind. I'm learning not to force myself past my points of comfort.
I don't even want to not be suicidal. I used to be like an animal stuck in a small cage without a way out. Now that I've found one I'm learning to love the cage.
That's the best it's going to get for me.
I used to be suicidal all alone but now I'm learning to have a life even with suicide in my mind. I'm learning not to force myself past my points of comfort.
I don't even want to not be suicidal. I used to be like an animal stuck in a small cage without a way out. Now that I've found one I'm learning to love the cage.
That's the best it's going to get for me.
