Discussion Obsessed about suicide

[maktubler]

I spend so much time thinking about suicide. There is nothing wrong with my life. I have friends, family, a decent job and a child on the way. But since I was young all I have been able to think about is dying. I don't think a shrink can help me. No one can make me want to live. I don't know when I made the choice but now it does not feel like a choice I made any more. It feels like what I have to do; like my life would not be complete without it. Suicide is my eventuality. I have known this for a long time. When is a good time is the question I asked myself as I walked into my home last night.

I play this game with myself where assuming I had N in the fridge chilling, when would be the best time to exit. No time seems like a good enough. Then I think of why.

I have been suicidal so long I can't think of a why anymore. Something must have given my suicidal thoughts genesis. I wish I had a good why. Many times I think of what people would say. The reasons they would give themselves for why I did. A lot of times I hope they will just all take solace in my mental illness and not blame themselves.

I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I feel generally exhausted by life. Everything happens so slowly if it happens at all.

Sometimes I hope I discover I have cancer or some other terminal illness that gives me a perfect excuse to CTB. I realise the thought as twisted and it indicates some kind of psychological dysfunction but what can I do about it. It does not feel like I can just stop being suicidal. Suicide is my obsession.

 

[Phro]

I spend so much time thinking about suicide.

Suicide is on my mind every moment that I'm awake.

 

[throwaway123]

I spend so much time thinking about suicide. There is nothing wrong with my life. I have friends, family, a decent job and a child on the way. But since I was young all I have been able to think about is dying. I don't think a shrink can help me. No one can make me want to live. I don't know when I made the choice but now it does not feel like a choice I made any more. It feels like what I have to do; like my life would not be complete without it. Suicide is my eventuality. I have known this for a long time. When is a good time is the question I asked myself as I walked into my home last night.

I play this game with myself where assuming I had N in the fridge chilling, when would be the best time to exit. No time seems like a good enough. Then I think of why.

I have been suicidal so long I can't think of a why anymore. Something must have given my suicidal thoughts genesis. I wish I had a good why. Many times I think of what people would say. The reasons they would give themselves for why I did. A lot of times I hope they will just all take solace in my mental illness and not blame themselves.

I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I feel generally exhausted by life. Everything happens so slowly if it happens at all.

Sometimes I hope I discover I have cancer or some other terminal illness that gives me a perfect excuse to CTB. I realise the thought as twisted and it indicates some kind of psychological dysfunction but what can I do about it. It does not feel like I can just stop being suicidal. Suicide is my obsession.

Wait so you've been suicidal all your life and still decided to bring a child into this world only to abandon it in the end?

Sorry man but that is not okay.You bring a child into this world knowing that "suicide is your eventuality". What kind of a father are you?

 

[useless]

it does not feel like a choice I made any more. It feels like what I have to do; like my life would not be complete without it.

I have been suicidal so long I can't think of a why anymore. Something must have given my suicidal thoughts genesis. I wish I had a good why.

I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I feel generally exhausted by life. Everything happens so slowly

I know this feeling well. It's like something is slightly "off." You know on an almost perfectly tiled floor, when just one square is crooked, and you can't stop staring at it, wanting to correct it? If that urge were applied to life, that's what it is, isn't it? It's just not right to be alive, but there isn't any real reason for it.

 

[maktubler]

Wait so you've been suicidal all your life and still decided to bring a child into this world only to abandon it in the end?

Sorry man but that is not okay.You bring a child into this world knowing that "suicide is your eventuality". What kind of a father are you?

Life choices are not that simple. Regardless of how I feel, people do love, things happen. Life must progress everyday inevitably.

You could ask why I got married if I knew I would CTB. Maybe its selfish but I do love my wife more than anything in the world. Does not have anything to do with the fact that I have always and constantly feel suicidal.

You could go back yet further and ask why I would bother to date even or make friends or get a job or make any kind of progress if I know death is my eventuality.

Death is all our eventuality whether we choose the timing or not. Life goes on before death and life will go on after it.

 

[throwaway123]

Life choices are not that simple. Regardless of how I feel, people do love, things happen. Life must progress everyday inevitably.

You could ask why I got married if I knew I would CTB. Maybe its selfish but I do love my wife more than anything in the world. Does not have anything to do with the fact that I have always and constantly feel suicidal.

You could go back yet further and ask why I would bother to date even or make friends or get a job or make any kind of progress if I know death is my eventuality.

Death is all our eventuality whether we choose the timing or not. Life goes on before death and life will go on after it.

Everyone is responsible for himself. Everything you mentioned is nothing compared to creating life! All suffering your child will endure in its life is directly because of you. Can you imagine the consequences of your death? If you didn't bring a child into this world I would have no problem with you CTB.

 

[bigj75]

Suicide is on my mind every moment that I'm awake.

this. It's such a huge distraction. I remember when I wasn't depressed. It's such a physical and mental relief not being depressed. Everything was literally easier to do.

 

[Ashpac]

Wait so you've been suicidal all your life and still decided to bring a child into this world only to abandon it in the end?

Sorry man but that is not okay.You bring a child into this world knowing that "suicide is your eventuality". What kind of a father are you?

Most people on here including me are doing the same thing to our families by leaving them behind.

Im pretty sure the pro-lifers would say to all of us how dare we leave our families behind.

Is it okay for us to leave our mother/father/brother/sister behind but not okay to leave your children behind? They are all blood.

Either both are wrong or both are okay to do, It cant be one rule for one and one rule for another.

Im just neutral in this discussion by the way.

 

[throwaway123]

Most people on here including me are doing the same thing to our families by leaving them behind.

Im pretty sure the pro-lifers would say to all of us how dare we leave our families behind.

Is it okay for us to leave our mother/father/brother/sister behind but not okay to leave your children behind? They are all blood.

Either both are wrong or both are okay to do, It cant be one rule for one and one rule for another.

Im just neutral in this discussion by the way.

There is a difference to someone you know and someone you created.

 

[Ashpac]

There is a difference to someone you know and someone you created.

But our parents created us, we are gonna destroy them when we do it. I know theres a difference in being born and creating life, but all of us are still going to cause pain to our families.

Do you not think people will say that about us when we do it?

''How could they do it their families?''

Im guessing a few people we know will say that about us. Im pretty sure a few people will say it about me.

Lifes just shit in general and very unfair.

 

[Ashpac]

I spend so much time thinking about suicide. There is nothing wrong with my life. I have friends, family, a decent job and a child on the way. But since I was young all I have been able to think about is dying. I don't think a shrink can help me. No one can make me want to live. I don't know when I made the choice but now it does not feel like a choice I made any more. It feels like what I have to do; like my life would not be complete without it. Suicide is my eventuality. I have known this for a long time. When is a good time is the question I asked myself as I walked into my home last night.

I play this game with myself where assuming I had N in the fridge chilling, when would be the best time to exit. No time seems like a good enough. Then I think of why.

I have been suicidal so long I can't think of a why anymore. Something must have given my suicidal thoughts genesis. I wish I had a good why. Many times I think of what people would say. The reasons they would give themselves for why I did. A lot of times I hope they will just all take solace in my mental illness and not blame themselves.

I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I feel generally exhausted by life. Everything happens so slowly if it happens at all.

Sometimes I hope I discover I have cancer or some other terminal illness that gives me a perfect excuse to CTB. I realise the thought as twisted and it indicates some kind of psychological dysfunction but what can I do about it. It does not feel like I can just stop being suicidal. Suicide is my obsession.

It sounds like you have a good quality of life, im guessing a few of us on here would like to have what you have.
Alot of us on here including me dont have a quality of life thats why we want to CTB.
Maybe when you have your child things might change, no im not telling you stay alive but it is a possibility.
Im guessing you decided ''right ill have a child maybe that might change my mind about suicide'' I can understand that.
Does suicide/depression run in your family?
Youre one of the few people on here that ive read about and thought hmm maybe things could turn around for him. Chemical imbalance perhaps?

Just make sure its something you can live with, what ever you choose.

 

[bigj75]

Most people on here including me are doing the same thing to our families by leaving them behind.

Im pretty sure the pro-lifers would say to all of us how dare we leave our families behind.

Is it okay for us to leave our mother/father/brother/sister behind but not okay to leave your children behind? They are all blood.

Either both are wrong or both are okay to do, It cant be one rule for one and one rule for another.

Im just neutral in this discussion by the way.

damn tough subject! but I understand both of your points. personally knowing how depressed I am I will not have a child no matter what. Deliberately dying when they need me most is not good. But there are so many variables that still push depressed people to have kids. Besides children can even give people the will to live sometimes. We aren't Ashpac so we can't criticize him on his choice. My own mother died of cancer when I was 9. She wanted to die after she fought it for so long. I understand and support her decision to prefer death at that point due to her suffering. So just because you have kids doesn't mean`you still are capable of beating the depression/suffering no matter how bad the kid needs that parent.

 

[maktubler]

Everyone is responsible for himself. Everything you mentioned is nothing compared to creating life! All suffering your child will endure in its life is directly because of you. Can you imagine the consequences of your death? If you didn't bring a child into this world I would have no problem with you CTB.

I cannot stop living because I want to die. It's a conundrum. You can criticise me for creating life in my condition but at what point I asked you should I have stopped living. When should I have died? when I befriended her? when we fell in love? When we got married? When she told me she wanted children? At that point should I have said "No, i'm sorry. I can't. I want to die." In all the years past nothing has changed except now she has given me more reason to live. And so will our child. But having reason to leave does not mean not wanting to die. That will never change.

I think your outrage is idealistic.

 

[Ashpac]

damn tough subject! but I understand both of your points. personally knowing how depressed I am I will not have a child no matter what. Deliberately dying when they need me most is not good. But there are so many variables that still push depressed people to have kids. Besides children can even give people the will to live sometimes. We aren't Ashpac so we can't criticize him on his choice. My own mother died of cancer when I was 9. She wanted to die after she fought it for so long. I understand and support her decision to prefer death at that point due to her suffering. So just because you have kids doesn't mean`you still are capable of beating the depression/suffering no matter how bad the kid needs that parent.

I wasnt bashing on throwaway they make a good point but I see it as all of us are going to do the same to our loved ones.
I would never have kids because I know im going to die. I wouldnt want them to grow up and see how fragile their dad has become.
Youre right, its a shit situation though, either way, we still leave our loved ones behind. It sucks.

 

[ScaredOfLife]

I think about my suicide constantly, from the moment I wake-up to the moment I fall asleep. It's definitely an obsession.

 

[bigj75]

I wasnt bashing on throwaway they make a good point but I see it as all of us are going to do the same to our loved ones.
I would never have kids because I know im going to die. I wouldnt want them to grow up and see how fragile their dad has become.
Youre right, its a shit situation though, either way, we still leave our loved ones behind. It sucks.

true. Sooner or later is the only difference.

 

[maktubler]

It sounds like you have a good quality of life, im guessing a few of us on here would like to have what you have.
Alot of us on here including me dont have a quality of life thats why we want to CTB.
Maybe when you have your child things might change, no im not telling you stay alive but it is a possibility.
Im guessing you decided ''right ill have a child maybe that might change my mind about suicide'' I can understand that.
Does suicide/depression run in your family?
Youre one of the few people on here that ive read about and thought hmm maybe things could turn around for him. Chemical imbalance perhaps?

Just make sure its something you can live with, what ever you choose.

Yeah I am severely bipolar. Managing it with lithium.

 

[Ashpac]

You have the same 2 choices we all have on here. Live and suffer and make everyone else happy or end your suffering and leave your loved ones behind.

 

[bigj75]

You have the same 2 choices we all have on here. Live and suffer and make everyone else happy or end your suffering and leave your loved ones behind.

sometimes your suffering makes everyone else suffer.

 

[Ashpac]

sometimes your suffering makes everyone else suffer.

I agree completely. My mother suffers because I am suffering.
Its a shitty situation all around for all of us. I fucking hate this life.

 

[RacilyDank]

Yeah I am severely bipolar. Managing it with lithium.

When I read your first post my initial thought was that you're depressed but don't even realise it but now that you mention you're bipolar I get it.

I have long suspected that I am too. In between my "lows" I am very "high" - not completely manic to the point I do wreckless things or have delusions, just incredibly happy (almost euphoric), energetic, confident and creative etc.

Obviously your treatment is not working and while I'm no advocate of psychiatry maybe you should try to get that sorted before you decide to ctb.

I'm not a pro-lifer but if you think you have an otherwise good life maybe it's worth a shot at getting better? If you did you'll be happy you didn't leave your wife and child behind.

 

[bigj75]

I agree completely. My mother suffers because I am suffering.
Its a shitty situation all around for all of us. I fucking hate this life.

its so unfair but people just don't understand.

 

[lifeofregret]

sometimes your suffering makes everyone else suffer.

this right here, I'm physically disabled so my regret in life is based upon that and not being able to do the things that I could do while making everyone waste their time on me since I can't do a few simple things. I hate thinking about what they're thinking about knowing that I'm suffering and they can't help fix me. There's no worse fate than being a human pet

 

[bigj75]

this right here, I'm physically disabled so my regret in life is based upon that and not being able to do the things that I could do while making everyone waste their time on me since I can't do a few simple things. I hate thinking about what they're thinking about knowing that I'm suffering and they can't help fix me. There's no worse fate than being a human pet

This. I can't stand being dependent on our others.

 

[Volatile]

Don't have a kid if you want to bust your lid

 

[lifeofregret]

This. I can't stand being dependent on our others.

I just don't understand how it's not legal to euthanize all those who are even worse than me as quads or extreme disease

 

[useless]

There's no worse fate than being a human pet

That's what's so terrifying about fucking up. You could get stuck like that forever. Blink blink

 

[midastic]

Most people on here including me are doing the same thing to our families by leaving them behind.

Im pretty sure the pro-lifers would say to all of us how dare we leave our families behind.

Is it okay for us to leave our mother/father/brother/sister behind but not okay to leave your children behind? They are all blood.

Either both are wrong or both are okay to do, It cant be one rule for one and one rule for another.

Im just neutral in this discussion by the way.

The thing is, leaving behind loved ones is seen as a selfish thing to do. But then, that's basically living for the emotional satisfaction of others which can also be considered selfish. pro-lifers don't understand the suffering some people have been through, would you tell someone who is suffering of a terminal illness to stay alive just because their loved ones don't want them to die?

That being said, I definitely think those that have kids should stay alive at least till a kid can live on their own. Foster homes are terrible and will definitely fuck them up since they aren't going to able to survive with the care foster homes provides.

 

[RM5998]

I definitely think those that have kids should stay alive at least till a kid can live on their own. Foster homes are terrible and will definitely fuck them up since they aren't going to able to survive with the care foster homes provides.

So what is the reasoning behind the line you're drawing between living out of an obligation to relatives in general and living for those dependent on you? (Sorry if that sounds confrontational, but I'd like to know more about the intellectual standpoint you're taking.)

 

[QueenEtna]

I think about it all the time too.. And the more days that pass the more I feel that need to do it.