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maktubler
Member
- May 22, 2018
- 65
I spend so much time thinking about suicide. There is nothing wrong with my life. I have friends, family, a decent job and a child on the way. But since I was young all I have been able to think about is dying. I don't think a shrink can help me. No one can make me want to live. I don't know when I made the choice but now it does not feel like a choice I made any more. It feels like what I have to do; like my life would not be complete without it. Suicide is my eventuality. I have known this for a long time. When is a good time is the question I asked myself as I walked into my home last night.
I play this game with myself where assuming I had N in the fridge chilling, when would be the best time to exit. No time seems like a good enough. Then I think of why.
I have been suicidal so long I can't think of a why anymore. Something must have given my suicidal thoughts genesis. I wish I had a good why. Many times I think of what people would say. The reasons they would give themselves for why I did. A lot of times I hope they will just all take solace in my mental illness and not blame themselves.
I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I feel generally exhausted by life. Everything happens so slowly if it happens at all.
Sometimes I hope I discover I have cancer or some other terminal illness that gives me a perfect excuse to CTB. I realise the thought as twisted and it indicates some kind of psychological dysfunction but what can I do about it. It does not feel like I can just stop being suicidal. Suicide is my obsession.
I play this game with myself where assuming I had N in the fridge chilling, when would be the best time to exit. No time seems like a good enough. Then I think of why.
I have been suicidal so long I can't think of a why anymore. Something must have given my suicidal thoughts genesis. I wish I had a good why. Many times I think of what people would say. The reasons they would give themselves for why I did. A lot of times I hope they will just all take solace in my mental illness and not blame themselves.
I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I feel generally exhausted by life. Everything happens so slowly if it happens at all.
Sometimes I hope I discover I have cancer or some other terminal illness that gives me a perfect excuse to CTB. I realise the thought as twisted and it indicates some kind of psychological dysfunction but what can I do about it. It does not feel like I can just stop being suicidal. Suicide is my obsession.