Giraffey
Your Orange Crush
- Mar 7, 2020
- 439
I haven't been around here for a couple of months, unfortunately (self-evidently) I didn't CTB but I did suffer some nasty health issues. Coronavirus, a heart attack at the tender age of 26 and I now have a syncope disorder which has seen me fainting randomly. Put together the circumstances made it practically impossible to be online.
This will be a long post and I have a tendency to ramble (sorry!), you can skip to the last section (TLDR) which sums up the point of this thread.
How do you justify ending your life when, although it is terminally unhappy and unproductive, your death would cause tremendous pain, anguish and suffering to those you love?
Background
To the topic at hand then. First of all, this is not, directly or indirectly, a question of whether or not I want to end my life, I have weighed up the options carefully taking into account my potential future course and decided that ending my life earlier than would be ordinarily naturally expected is the best option for me personally. I have been assessed as mentally competent by a senior psychiatrist as recently as last month and I'm not suffering from any depression or impairment of mind. That much is decided then, the real question is whether or not it is morally right for me to end my life in my circumstances because of the effect my death would have on a number of those I hold near and dear.
One of my favourite words is "infelicific" meaning "not productive of happiness" and that is an adequate summary of my current existence. As some may be aware, I lost my daughter some time ago when she was very young, my ex-partner was a vile and abusive character whose abuse of me has left permanent scars not just to my mind but my life as well. These are not the kind of scars that can be repaired with time or therapy. I won't get into details (I already did in my intro post) but these factors have made the prospect of a future family, at worst impossible and at best exceptionally arduous and difficult.
I met the love of my life, a true soulmate late last year but it fell apart because of the damage my ex-partner had done to my life - damage that cannot ever be repaired. It became obvious then that the circumstances my ex had created that led to the breaking apart of my relationship were immutable and would infect any future relationship I was in, regardless of one's love and commitment. So essentially, all of my reasons for being alive and having hope, having a partner, a family, a career are if not impossible then at best extremely unlikely and fraught with risk and pain not just to myself but others as well.
The Moral Issue
I have the means to end my life, a detailed plan which has multiple different methods I may use depending on the circumstances, and I have overcome my 'fear' of the process of death itself. As far as I am concerned, I am ready. Why then, am I still here?
I am currently living my life entirely in the service of other people. My continued existence brings no benefit to myself, in-fact I suffer increasing emotional pain every day, but ending my life would directly harm at least two parties who I love and care about deeply, and indirectly harm many more.
I love my parents so dearly. I'm not particularly close to them although I speak to them daily and play a central role in their lives, I keep my emotional distance from them. The last time I had a breakdown, my parents fell to pieces. My mother became unable to work and sank into a deep, dark depression and my father, although remaining stoic, couldn't support my mother and internalised all of his pain and grief. I saw directly the effect that even a mental health crisis had on them. My father also has some health issues at the moment owing to their advancing years, and my biggest fear is that my death could trigger one or both of them to have a heart attack owing to the lack of their ability to cope with stress.
My second major concern is for my former partner (who I shall henceforth call 'Anna') - who was my soulmate and who I shall always love more than I am capable of loving anyone else. After we parted ways she had a major breakdown. It was two months before we started talking again and during that time her entire world had fallen apart, she had stopped eating and drinking, she couldn't move for feeling horribly sick all day, every day, and at one point the stress even triggered her to have a 'functional seizure' which resulted in her being in a car crash - both she and her son in the back were unharmed thank goodness, but it could have been so much worse.
I have a science background and specialised in the study of nausea and vomiting, I also have some training in hypnotherapy and CBT, and regularly counselled my friends through student crises back when I was at university. That rather odd combination of skills made me a good fit to help Anna recover and indeed in the couple of months since I have been speaking to her again her life has dramatically improved. But there is a lot more work that needs to be done, and for various reasons, unfortunately, I am the only person who is able to help her (and that sadly appears to include the numerous professionals who have tried to assist her over the years).
It's tempting to make the case that whilst I may have a moral duty to my parents by blood, I have no such duty to Anna. Perhaps not, but my death would cause her certain and significant harm, and she has two children under 10 who whilst not related to me, I still love and care about as I would my own. The risk that I may indirectly rob them of their mother by rendering her in complete and irreparable despair is absolutely unthinkable. Having said that, continuing to be in her life and help her is also adding to my suffering as I must watch her continue a relationship with somebody else, longing for that which I once had, but now cannot ever have - feeling so deeply unhappy and unfulfilled. I should add at this point, ending my ties with Anna would not alter the equation and make me happier, nor would it make me less unhappy - the pain of watching on helplessly would simply be replaced by the pain of knowing that she was probably in the hospital again because my termination of care had caused her to sink into another breakdown.
Those are the main examples, but there are others.
Short Version (TLDR Conclusion)
When people you love and care about are completely reliant on your continued existence and incapable of reconciling the cessation of your otherwise interminable pain and suffering, with their own moral world-view and beliefs, and inevitably, therefore, you know that your death (or termination of your commitments to them) would cause them direct and indirect harm - how do you even begin to justify ending your life?
Do you remain stoic and like King Sisyphus, continue to suffer the immense and indefinite pain of pushing the boulder up an endlessly steep hill? Continuing only for the sake of having no other option, because giving up would allow the boulder to roll back down and destroy your loved ones who are chained behind you, and would be unable to jump out of its path.
Is there some way in which you can justify your death? Must you first attempt to arm your loved ones with the coping skills they will necessarily need to bear the grief of your loss, must you first fix their problems or find some way to unburden yourself from them before you CTB? What if it isn't possible to unburden yourself, must you then abstain from suicide and continue to live in a kind of emotionally vegetative state?
I know that for many here, suicide is an autonomous decision and although others would be upset it is still your right not to be paternalistically kept alive in chronic despair, yet what for those of us like me where suicide would cause direct harm to people we care about? I know there isn't a single answer, but I'd really appreciate some thoughts on where to begin
This will be a long post and I have a tendency to ramble (sorry!), you can skip to the last section (TLDR) which sums up the point of this thread.
How do you justify ending your life when, although it is terminally unhappy and unproductive, your death would cause tremendous pain, anguish and suffering to those you love?
Background
To the topic at hand then. First of all, this is not, directly or indirectly, a question of whether or not I want to end my life, I have weighed up the options carefully taking into account my potential future course and decided that ending my life earlier than would be ordinarily naturally expected is the best option for me personally. I have been assessed as mentally competent by a senior psychiatrist as recently as last month and I'm not suffering from any depression or impairment of mind. That much is decided then, the real question is whether or not it is morally right for me to end my life in my circumstances because of the effect my death would have on a number of those I hold near and dear.
One of my favourite words is "infelicific" meaning "not productive of happiness" and that is an adequate summary of my current existence. As some may be aware, I lost my daughter some time ago when she was very young, my ex-partner was a vile and abusive character whose abuse of me has left permanent scars not just to my mind but my life as well. These are not the kind of scars that can be repaired with time or therapy. I won't get into details (I already did in my intro post) but these factors have made the prospect of a future family, at worst impossible and at best exceptionally arduous and difficult.
I met the love of my life, a true soulmate late last year but it fell apart because of the damage my ex-partner had done to my life - damage that cannot ever be repaired. It became obvious then that the circumstances my ex had created that led to the breaking apart of my relationship were immutable and would infect any future relationship I was in, regardless of one's love and commitment. So essentially, all of my reasons for being alive and having hope, having a partner, a family, a career are if not impossible then at best extremely unlikely and fraught with risk and pain not just to myself but others as well.
The Moral Issue
I have the means to end my life, a detailed plan which has multiple different methods I may use depending on the circumstances, and I have overcome my 'fear' of the process of death itself. As far as I am concerned, I am ready. Why then, am I still here?
I am currently living my life entirely in the service of other people. My continued existence brings no benefit to myself, in-fact I suffer increasing emotional pain every day, but ending my life would directly harm at least two parties who I love and care about deeply, and indirectly harm many more.
I love my parents so dearly. I'm not particularly close to them although I speak to them daily and play a central role in their lives, I keep my emotional distance from them. The last time I had a breakdown, my parents fell to pieces. My mother became unable to work and sank into a deep, dark depression and my father, although remaining stoic, couldn't support my mother and internalised all of his pain and grief. I saw directly the effect that even a mental health crisis had on them. My father also has some health issues at the moment owing to their advancing years, and my biggest fear is that my death could trigger one or both of them to have a heart attack owing to the lack of their ability to cope with stress.
My second major concern is for my former partner (who I shall henceforth call 'Anna') - who was my soulmate and who I shall always love more than I am capable of loving anyone else. After we parted ways she had a major breakdown. It was two months before we started talking again and during that time her entire world had fallen apart, she had stopped eating and drinking, she couldn't move for feeling horribly sick all day, every day, and at one point the stress even triggered her to have a 'functional seizure' which resulted in her being in a car crash - both she and her son in the back were unharmed thank goodness, but it could have been so much worse.
I have a science background and specialised in the study of nausea and vomiting, I also have some training in hypnotherapy and CBT, and regularly counselled my friends through student crises back when I was at university. That rather odd combination of skills made me a good fit to help Anna recover and indeed in the couple of months since I have been speaking to her again her life has dramatically improved. But there is a lot more work that needs to be done, and for various reasons, unfortunately, I am the only person who is able to help her (and that sadly appears to include the numerous professionals who have tried to assist her over the years).
It's tempting to make the case that whilst I may have a moral duty to my parents by blood, I have no such duty to Anna. Perhaps not, but my death would cause her certain and significant harm, and she has two children under 10 who whilst not related to me, I still love and care about as I would my own. The risk that I may indirectly rob them of their mother by rendering her in complete and irreparable despair is absolutely unthinkable. Having said that, continuing to be in her life and help her is also adding to my suffering as I must watch her continue a relationship with somebody else, longing for that which I once had, but now cannot ever have - feeling so deeply unhappy and unfulfilled. I should add at this point, ending my ties with Anna would not alter the equation and make me happier, nor would it make me less unhappy - the pain of watching on helplessly would simply be replaced by the pain of knowing that she was probably in the hospital again because my termination of care had caused her to sink into another breakdown.
Those are the main examples, but there are others.
Short Version (TLDR Conclusion)
When people you love and care about are completely reliant on your continued existence and incapable of reconciling the cessation of your otherwise interminable pain and suffering, with their own moral world-view and beliefs, and inevitably, therefore, you know that your death (or termination of your commitments to them) would cause them direct and indirect harm - how do you even begin to justify ending your life?
Do you remain stoic and like King Sisyphus, continue to suffer the immense and indefinite pain of pushing the boulder up an endlessly steep hill? Continuing only for the sake of having no other option, because giving up would allow the boulder to roll back down and destroy your loved ones who are chained behind you, and would be unable to jump out of its path.
Is there some way in which you can justify your death? Must you first attempt to arm your loved ones with the coping skills they will necessarily need to bear the grief of your loss, must you first fix their problems or find some way to unburden yourself from them before you CTB? What if it isn't possible to unburden yourself, must you then abstain from suicide and continue to live in a kind of emotionally vegetative state?
I know that for many here, suicide is an autonomous decision and although others would be upset it is still your right not to be paternalistically kept alive in chronic despair, yet what for those of us like me where suicide would cause direct harm to people we care about? I know there isn't a single answer, but I'd really appreciate some thoughts on where to begin