Welcome to the final stage of apathy and anhedonia where you don´t feel any emotions or pleasures anymore, you most likely can´t even feel nostalgia for fond memories because nostalgia is a mixture of happiness and sadness.
And since you have become numb there is no drive to ctb despite you know it´s the only logical reason. I wish I had ctb as a teenager when I could truly FEEL my sadness and excitement and other emotions except happiness also that sadness and excitement coupled with teenage hormones was the perfect drive to ctb but I was stupid to give "life" another chance and here I am 7 years after I started to stop feeling anything i.e. the beginning of apathy and anhedonia that got worse year by year.