Nsfw - sex dreams of ex who violated my consent

[wantingdignity]

Fuck. I took a nap and it was such a vivid dream. It started as a nightmare, but my body started getting turned on. I feel so icky.

I've vented about the incident a lot lately on here. I also only recently opened up to my friend about it. She called it rape. Someone else on here called it rape. Someone in my group therapy called it assault. I don't know what to call it. If it is that, what the fuck does it mean about me that I stayed? What does it mean about him? What does it mean about our positive memories and that I miss him? What does it mean about my judgement?

It was my first nightmare that was this direct. In the dream, he barely looked like himself. I missed him so much. I knew I shouldn't sleep with him because of everything that happened, but I missed him, I felt horny, and I didn't want him to leave. I was scared. He started before I could say no and I let him continue. I woke up in a panic. I feel so gross. Why the fuck do I want to call him after that? Why do I still have feelings for someone that did that to me??

I called out sick from work. I can't afford to do that, but fuck. I want to hurt myself. I want to drink. I want to spiral. I want to drink a whole bottle of liquor and just see what happens

 

[CynicalCyanide]

Idk, emotions are a very complex bitch. You haven´t done anything wrong, though. Just know you are not the only one struggling with this and that what you experience is normal. Wish you the best <3

 

[The Actual Devil]

Our brains are not truly a monolith. I am no neurologist, granted, but I can try to help. Part of your brain really wants to follow the biological imperative: breeding. I can't click on your profile to check due to your privacy settings, but whether you are a woman, a man, or somewhere else on the gender spectrum, the part of your brain responsible for sex drive is pushing you in a direction that the reasoning part does not want to.
Often, or possibly always, our sex drives don't care where they get release from. It doesn't "know" that man hurt you. It just remembers he was a source of sexual relief. Familiar and reliable. He can be replaced. It takes often-difficult choices and a measure of chance, but the urges to go back to your abuser can be reduced over time and eventually eliminated. You can get over him and train your sex drive to no longer see him as an option.
If you are at the point where you are trying to have a healthy sex life--whether with a partner or alone--and are struggling to get thoughts of him out of your mind while awake, I wrote about that here. Just skip the parts about addiction if they are irrelevant to you.
As for your dreams, I sympathize wholeheartedly. Afaik, it just takes time. Making new, happy memories with a partner or solo helps to give your brain something else to dream about.
But do not take this advice if you aren't ready for more sexual experiences, yet. Only you can say when that is. Unfortunately, there is no manual, but we can always talk things through here.

 

[Adûnâi]

Often, or possibly always, our sex drives don't care where they get release from. It doesn't "know" that man hurt you. It just remembers he was a source of sexual relief. Familiar and reliable. He can be replaced.

Yeah that's kinda difficult to differentiate between what's "you" and what other parts/aspects of you are. Which of our desires are innate, which have been imposed, which may or should be blocked, which should be heeded?