Now what?

[tootiredx]

I couldn't do it. I was ready. I had everything planned and perfect but my SI kicked in and I couldn't do it. Twice.

So now what? I don't want to live but I can't seem to die. I feel desperate and defeated and alone. I've pushed everyone away to try to protect them. I've gotten rid of my stuff so my family wouldn't have to deal with it. I even gave away my pet turtle so he'd be cared for. I'm in constant physical and mental pain and I'm so damn tired.

Has anyone else tried and failed? How did you keep going? I'm just so lost right now.

 

[eternal_life]

I couldn't do it. I was ready. I had everything planned and perfect but my SI kicked in and I couldn't do it. Twice.

So now what? I don't want to live but I can't seem to die. I feel desperate and defeated and alone. I've pushed everyone away to try to protect them. I've gotten rid of my stuff so my family wouldn't have to deal with it. I even gave away my pet turtle so he'd be cared for. I'm in constant physical and mental pain and I'm so damn tired.

Has anyone else tried and failed? How did you keep going? I'm just so lost right now.

I would say that most members here are the same, not wanting to live but not being able to die... it's understandable, because deep down nobody really wants to die, just stop suffering... I feel the suffering you're going through, I send you a very big hug.

 

[jude502]

What was the method? I know i cant jump or hang but i fantasize that if i had N i could do it.

 

[theboy]

I have had failed attempts. I also want to die but the IF is too strong. I am suffering in a life that seems to have no way out.
I suggest you take a break and write a list of PRO's and CON's of CTB.

 

[tootiredx]

What was the method? I know i cant jump or hang but i fantasize that if i had N i could do it.

Jumping for the first one. OD on my anxiety medicine the second. I thought maybe the anxiety medicine would calm me the second time and help me overcome SI but I physically couldn't swallow the pills after the first handful.

N seems so peaceful

 

[jude502]

Assuming anxiety meds were benzos - high risk you would wake up in a ward anyways. I am in a similar situation - i want to fly to peru or mexico to source N but i would have to disappear, burn my relationships, lose my job etc all on the hope i could source N and then have the balls to use it. If i could offer you any comfort, i think everyone has their own personal pain limit that, once reached, allows them to overcome SI.

 

[Cerulea]

I couldn't do it. I was ready. I had everything planned and perfect but my SI kicked in and I couldn't do it. Twice.

So now what? I don't want to live but I can't seem to die. I feel desperate and defeated and alone. I've pushed everyone away to try to protect them. I've gotten rid of my stuff so my family wouldn't have to deal with it. I even gave away my pet turtle so he'd be cared for. I'm in constant physical and mental pain and I'm so damn tired.

Has anyone else tried and failed? How did you keep going? I'm just so lost right now.

I have tried, and failed, in a variety of ways. It's as though my brain simply will not allow it. But also my brain indicates to me that it clearly does not have a desire to be here? It's a miserable and unfair push and pull. It feels especially bad once you've laid plans down. Sent notes, tended to animal companions, put relationships on ice. There's an aftermath there that has to be reckoned with and that can be a brutal climb.

For me, I haven't changed much. I kept my relationships distant, I kept my plans and intentions to myself. I don't even tell my therapist when I'm feeling anything anymore. I keep to myself, I talk with people on this forum, and I continue to iron out my plans. I've had to adjust course, for sure. I try to slow down and regroup. But I don't feel any different about my decision so I keep going by reminding myself of what I'm working towards.

I am sorry to hear how much pain you're in. I hope you find freedom and release from this soon.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I understand your pain, believe me. Long before this site, I had several failed attempts, all of them probably subconsciously half-hearted. But since this forum, I discovered a method that seems very likely to work this time if I do it right. Problem is, like yourself, mond won't let me do it just yet but every single day is filled with me being miserable and plagued with triggering memories. But I also know that one day I will wake up and decide that's enough and actually use the method. Nothing wrong with this. This is the most important decision I will ever make for myself so it doesn't mean shit about what others think and whether I fail or succeed.

 

[Jimblue]

I failed lots of time. Feeling it's actually hard than people's thought. I would advice you take a break then think about next move.

 

[tootiredx]

i know that bezos on their own aren't usually successful but I should have added that I had a bottle of my favorite tequila and margarita mix as well. I finished those at least even when I couldn't swallow the pills.

I suppose there's some comfort in knowing that eventually even my SI won't be able to stop me. I just hope I can find some strength until then. I hope you find some peace as well.
Dealing with the aftermath seems to be even harder than the feelings of failure. Logically I knew I wasn't the only one to have gone through this, but it's at least a little comforting to talk to people who have been here too. It all feels so…impossible right now. I don't know how to get through this.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I suggest you take a break and write a list of PRO's and CON's of CTB.

I did something like this. I did Pros as reasons to stick around (keep living), and Cons as reasons to CTB (die). I had like 40 reasons on the Con side and couldn't come up with even one thing to put on the Pros side. Still haven't come up with anything for the Pros side.

 

[makethepainstop]

I have tried before twice discovered; three times tried methods that could not work.
THIS time it is going to be different. I have studied the SN method and I am acquiring my supplies. This time there will be no failure. Should SN fail, (although I cannot imagine why it would), I have a 45 single shot derringer as a backup. I have had enough! Dont cry for me!