Now that suicide is a tangible option, it feels inevitable

[CravingPeace]

I have my SN and my meds lined up and ready to go. Things have gotten slightly better but I definitely still slip into deep depression once I'm home at my apartment. I'm starting a new medication soon for bipolar depression and I hope it does work, but having an easy out is so difficult to overcome. Even the slightest downturn and I immediately hone in on my suicidal thoughts and want to act on them.

Suicide just seems inevitable.

 

[Pale_Rider]

I intend to call the shrink to see if maybe I can recover also, but even that is a trial for me. I feel myself breathing heavy as the adrenaline kicks in.

 

[CravingPeace]

I intend to call the shrink to see if maybe I can recover also, but even that is a trial for me. I feel myself breathing heavy as the adrenaline kicks in.

I encourage you to get a psychiatrist as well, if you're able to. They're the ones that are able to prescribe medications (at least in the US).

 

[ForeverCaHa]

The inevitability is what is gnawing at me too, almost like an obsession. I'm currently in a psych ward, so I'm willing to give it a shot and see if they can "fix" me, but I'm unsure.

 

[CravingPeace]

The inevitability is what is gnawing at me too, almost like an obsession. I'm currently in a psych ward, so I'm willing to give it a shot and see if they can "fix" me, but I'm unsure.

I say give it a shot, friend. The exit can always be an option.

But I totally get the obsession part. I feel like once I decided it was an option, it was like opening Pandora's box.

 

[Pale_Rider]

I encourage you to get a psychiatrist as well, if you're able to. They're the ones that are able to prescribe medications (at least in the US).

I was able to make the call, so now I have to register for services. They know about my last attempts in my records. I will deny, deny, deny, but try to see if I can work on the source.

I say give it a shot, friend. The exit can always be an option.

But I totally get the obsession part. I feel like once I decided it was an option, it was like opening Pandora's box.

I agree with this. Once you have danced with the devil it never goes away.

 

[Daenerys Targaryen]

If medications and other remedies don't work for us, it's abundantly clear; only we ourselves know what cures there and what doesn't. The inevitable is inevitable Nobody knows you better than yourself

 

[ididnotconsent]

The inevitability is what is gnawing at me too, almost like an obsession. I'm currently in a psych ward, so I'm willing to give it a shot and see if they can "fix" me, but I'm unsure.

How long have you been in?

 

[catfriend]

likewise. i knew by 2018 (around the time of my first major depressive episode) that i would die by my own hand someday -- just a matter of when, and how.

The inevitability is what is gnawing at me too, almost like an obsession. I'm currently in a psych ward, so I'm willing to give it a shot and see if they can "fix" me, but I'm unsure.

how're you finding it? i hope they're treating you well.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

Without a doubt it's tricky territory to have gone through the research and procurement phase and then deciding to give life another shot. Having the tools to ctb on hand is like a reverse life insurance policy waiting to be cashed in at every obstacle. I've read numerous posts here of people that threw their SN away much to chagrin of other's that are still desperately searching.

Same dynamic is at play with gun owners and impulse suicides. SN now being harder to procure I fear has set the stage for people to feel obligated to commit once they've obtained it. Knowing it was available but not getting it was a perfect balance of accessibility yet enough steps to firewall against impulsivity.

I don't now what to tell you. A good number of people signed up here, obtained SN and ctb'd within a short span of time. Other's are in the same boat as you and have held on. For some having it on hand is like a safety valve but for other's it has a questionable effect on recovery. I guess one could extensively wrap their SN in packaging tape to make accessing it take enough time to think it through.