Now I'm just confused

[Cauliflour]

Self harm turns into an addiction of relapsing once the dopamine hit caused by the wound has worn off and to me I would start wanting to cut about a week after and yet it's been 2 weeks, last time I cut I didn't even do a good job, and that deep desire isn't creeping back properly yet. Is it cause I know I gotta wait until I get new blades? It's not even unusual as I've been cutting on and off for years now. I would like have a period of a few months where it would be like once a week or more. First time I stopped because of pressure from friends and family, second time was because I couldn't access my favourite cutting spot anymore so that routine got shaken up (I still dream about the emptiness and the massive fan) and the third time was because I had tried to kill myself and that really fucked up my brain chemistry for a good 4 months. I think you can see references to that on some of my old posts here. How I got into these loops the second time was because I found out about the wonders of box knife blades and the third time I don't know I think I had found a new spot that wasn't the same but it was good enough (no massive fan :( ) and the most recent time was because I was 115 days clean (something like that) and the feeling was really kicking in to the point it was really affecting my mental health, and I figured at that point that it was an addiction, but like this current moment is proving that it isn't cause yeah sure I did quite a bit of googling on where to buy new blades and I've made another post on here asking about the sharpness on razor blades, but that's not the same. That's infomational!

So anyway now I'm back to square one when it comes to figuring out what the hell is wrong with me if I can just do whenever. Then again I do do it for entertainment so maybe that's why.

 

[HangMan123]

Self harm turns into an addiction of relapsing once the dopamine hit caused by the wound has worn off and to me I would start wanting to cut about a week after and yet it's been 2 weeks, last time I cut I didn't even do a good job, and that deep desire isn't creeping back properly yet. Is it cause I know I gotta wait until I get new blades? It's not even unusual as I've been cutting on and off for years now. I would like have a period of a few months where it would be like once a week or more. First time I stopped because of pressure from friends and family, second time was because I couldn't access my favourite cutting spot anymore so that routine got shaken up (I still dream about the emptiness and the massive fan) and the third time was because I had tried to kill myself and that really fucked up my brain chemistry for a good 4 months. I think you can see references to that on some of my old posts here. How I got into these loops the second time was because I found out about the wonders of box knife blades and the third time I don't know I think I had found a new spot that wasn't the same but it was good enough (no massive fan :( ) and the most recent time was because I was 115 days clean (something like that) and the feeling was really kicking in to the point it was really affecting my mental health, and I figured at that point that it was an addiction, but like this current moment is proving that it isn't cause yeah sure I did quite a bit of googling on where to buy new blades and I've made another post on here asking about the sharpness on razor blades, but that's not the same. That's infomational!

So anyway now I'm back to square one when it comes to figuring out what the hell is wrong with me if I can just do whenever. Then again I do do it for entertainment so maybe that's why.

The more you do something dopamine-producing, the less dopamine your brain's reward system reacts to it. It's the same concept with drugs, where the "first high" is always the best. Perhaps the same is happening here?
Besides, shouldn't you be happy not to want to cut yourself? Maybe you can take this opportunity to lean into a healthier coping method. Not to judge, I just want you to be safe.

 

[Cauliflour]

The more you do something dopamine-producing, the less dopamine your brain's reward system reacts to it. It's the same concept with drugs, where the "first high" is always the best. Perhaps the same is happening here?
Besides, shouldn't you be happy not to want to cut yourself? Maybe you can take this opportunity to lean into a healthier coping method.

Coping method? Nah mate I do this for fun. For thrills! Nothing can replace that...maybe sex but let's be realistic here.

Maybe it's like a way to keep having that "first high" over and over?