jimmyinnout
Member
- Sep 5, 2025
- 51
Any form of hypothetical "happiness" is not enough for me:
Art (my most ancient hobby) is not enough for me - I feel some animalistic enjoyment while actively doing it, but it is not enough to make me not want to CTB
Music - well, my music is mediocre, to the point it does not feel impressive to anyone, atleast, not beyond the typical compliments you'd give to a "friend" who shared some kind of creative persuit to you. And even then, I do not feel happy when my friends "compliment" my music
Actually, I do not feel any form of happiness when anyone compliments any of the 2 aforementioned pursuits. I feel a "flattened" form of anxiety. As in, I feel something biologically occurring for me, but it is not anything meaningful enough for me to do anything "human" with the feeling (meaning: it is the kind of anxiety a dog may feel when it barks at an outside noise, as opposed to whatever feeling urges people to truly dedicate themselves to a hobby or passion).
Additionally.
Friends are not enough for me either. I have some good online friends, and one close friend who lives in my city. While I do "like" these people, it is not to the point where I feel like, " I shouls continue living for these people". And its not necessarily that I "blame" them for this, it is moreso that my biology does not properly respond to this idea of having other people who would respond to my presence.
And: alcohol does not feel enough for me. In fact I am supposedly "intoxicated" now. Meanwhile, I feel bad effects on my body, with little to no good effects on my mental state. In fact it seems alcohol only brings forth my passive "suicidality" to the point it is no longer passive. Which makes me confused how people die for these effects.
Finally. A "job" is not enough for me either, I do not feel any form of purpose or will to continue through either employment nor unemployment. I had a job for 2 weeks, and now, having lost it, I only feel this pervasive feeling I should be making money, instead of losing it. Meanwhile, while I had it, I felt disgust and suspicion at my coworkers (which was not unfounded at all in the end), and in prior jobs: disgust at our wider society.
I do not forsee any happiness in this world for me. Its just a matter of finalizing things. Really. It hurts how I cannot finalize anything. It is the most painful thing I have known, to know there is no easy way out, and on top of that, the fact that I was brought to this world, willingly, is what adds insult to injury. I wish all of humanity would die suddenly, tomorrow. Because being alive SHOULD be really painful to everyone. And for those who don't experience pain from living, they are not living in reality at all.
Art (my most ancient hobby) is not enough for me - I feel some animalistic enjoyment while actively doing it, but it is not enough to make me not want to CTB
Music - well, my music is mediocre, to the point it does not feel impressive to anyone, atleast, not beyond the typical compliments you'd give to a "friend" who shared some kind of creative persuit to you. And even then, I do not feel happy when my friends "compliment" my music
Actually, I do not feel any form of happiness when anyone compliments any of the 2 aforementioned pursuits. I feel a "flattened" form of anxiety. As in, I feel something biologically occurring for me, but it is not anything meaningful enough for me to do anything "human" with the feeling (meaning: it is the kind of anxiety a dog may feel when it barks at an outside noise, as opposed to whatever feeling urges people to truly dedicate themselves to a hobby or passion).
Additionally.
Friends are not enough for me either. I have some good online friends, and one close friend who lives in my city. While I do "like" these people, it is not to the point where I feel like, " I shouls continue living for these people". And its not necessarily that I "blame" them for this, it is moreso that my biology does not properly respond to this idea of having other people who would respond to my presence.
And: alcohol does not feel enough for me. In fact I am supposedly "intoxicated" now. Meanwhile, I feel bad effects on my body, with little to no good effects on my mental state. In fact it seems alcohol only brings forth my passive "suicidality" to the point it is no longer passive. Which makes me confused how people die for these effects.
Finally. A "job" is not enough for me either, I do not feel any form of purpose or will to continue through either employment nor unemployment. I had a job for 2 weeks, and now, having lost it, I only feel this pervasive feeling I should be making money, instead of losing it. Meanwhile, while I had it, I felt disgust and suspicion at my coworkers (which was not unfounded at all in the end), and in prior jobs: disgust at our wider society.
I do not forsee any happiness in this world for me. Its just a matter of finalizing things. Really. It hurts how I cannot finalize anything. It is the most painful thing I have known, to know there is no easy way out, and on top of that, the fact that I was brought to this world, willingly, is what adds insult to injury. I wish all of humanity would die suddenly, tomorrow. Because being alive SHOULD be really painful to everyone. And for those who don't experience pain from living, they are not living in reality at all.
