Venting Nothing feels good

[rizleechboy]

I wish it was worse so I could actually feel like I could do it instead of just thinking about it all the time. I've been pretty much numb and emotionless since November or so, but now that classes have started again I have thought about it every single day. It's not like I'll magically feel better when my classes end. I know that because I felt like shit over break too. Nothing feels like anything. Everything gives me anxiety. I don't care about my classes but I still have the same high expectations for myself and anxiety over everything. My life is really good. It's my fault I can't feel good. I wish something bad would happen so I could feel like I could justify it. I feel ashamed of everything and that includes being suicidal. And I mean, how suicidal can I be if I've felt it for a decade and never tried doing anything. I want to get hit by a car. I should be put down for being useless and boring and not fun to be around. Fuck sake... Why cant it just get a little worse so I can manage to do something. This shit is so boring.

 

[Abyssal]

I've found myself purposely trying to get worse in the past, almost by impulse. I'll tell you here and now: don't. It won't be what you want, it'll be worse and worse is..well..worse.

That aside, I'm in a similar position. I place the stress on myself and feel worthless even when I do things properly. I think it started with college, but it's become habit I can't break, and even now that I'm not in school I still feel it. What a sick joke.