Not wanting to get better

[Felodese]

Anyone else struggling, or just being stuck in this mode where you just don't want to recover? For example when people tell you things like I should be kind to or learn to love myself, try to find new meaning in life (after losing the one thing that kept me going), and all I'm thinking is "well, that's not going to fucking happen", or "that just can't be done".

Partly I'm feeling that it's not truly possible, partly that it's way too late now (I'm too old, have lost my one reason to want to get better and so on), partly that I am just a generally shity person who doesn't deserve any of that, partly that it's just too hard/too long or painful a process for it to really be worth it, and I should just ctb and spare myself the pain and suffering.

Anyone who can relate?
Anyone who's felt this way and gotten over/through it (and could describe how)?

 

[not_actually_human]

recurring, and temporary. that's emotional supression confusing you, you do very much want to recover, which is virtuous and only noble, but what happens when you're repeatedly beaten emotionally and parts of you are repeatedly pushed off and become inaccessible, to not be able to recognize your feelings right now doesn't mean they are not here, it's our desires precisely that leads to this. you can try to recognize them mentally, even if it's not the same in your feelings.

 

[leloyon]

I can relate to this a lot. I feel like it's genuinely impossible to dig myself out of this hole. I've fucked up my life to the point that there's essentially no future for me. On top of that, genetic predisposition and the fact that I've been mentally fucked for as long as I can remember means that I'll likely be like this forever...
And even if I wasn't, I don't think I want to recover because I don't know what else there is. I've lived my entire life like this. Every personality trait I have is tied to me being messed up. If I was suddenly cured, what would even be left of me? Would there be anything left? Would I just be nothing, someone with a complete blank slate personality? I can't even fantasise or imagine what I'd be like if I wasn't mentally ill or traumatised, because a "me" who lived a perfectly normal life, with no mental problems, is inconceivable as "me".

 

[not_actually_human]

I can relate to this a lot. I feel like it's genuinely impossible to dig myself out of this hole. I've fucked up my life to the point that there's essentially no future for me. On top of that, genetic predisposition and the fact that I've been mentally fucked for as long as I can remember means that I'll likely be like this forever...
And even if I wasn't, I don't think I want to recover because I don't know what else there is. I've lived my entire life like this. Every personality trait I have is tied to me being messed up. If I was suddenly cured, what would even be left of me? Would there be anything left? Would I just be nothing, someone with a complete blank slate personality? I can't even fantasise or imagine what I'd be like if I wasn't mentally ill or traumatised, because a "me" who lived a perfectly normal life, with no mental problems, is inconceivable as "me".

i'm sorry. i know how it feels, i really do. i only want to say that our disturbances only rob us of our good, they don't add anything, just a whole lot of disturbance, and then we're trying to imagine what we're without it, and it's horrific to think that there'd be nothing there. but i want to reassure you to say that's not true, it's just loss of our ability to discriminate between the good and the bad, the best, the most pure good you've seen, you'll have that, you'll have more of that and it will be much less interrupted, that's how it feels as you're getting better, as you become more and more attentive to the good that makes its appearance.

 

[Felodese]

recurring, and temporary. that's emotional supression confusing you, you do very much want to recover, which is virtuous and only noble, but what happens when you're repeatedly beaten emotionally and parts of you are repeatedly pushed off and become inaccessible, to not be able to recognize your feelings right now doesn't mean they are not here, it's our desires precisely that leads to this. you can try to recognize them mentally, even if it's not the same in your feelings.

I honestly don't know where I'm at with this. Mostly I just want to die, cause everything hurts, and I can't see a future where it doesn't. And I don't really want any kind of hope, cause that will always lead to more pain.

 

[arnxxx]

I don't relate. I desperately wanting to recover. I'll do anything.

 

[Felodese]

I can relate to this a lot. I feel like it's genuinely impossible to dig myself out of this hole. I've fucked up my life to the point that there's essentially no future for me. On top of that, genetic predisposition and the fact that I've been mentally fucked for as long as I can remember means that I'll likely be like this forever...
And even if I wasn't, I don't think I want to recover because I don't know what else there is. I've lived my entire life like this. Every personality trait I have is tied to me being messed up. If I was suddenly cured, what would even be left of me? Would there be anything left? Would I just be nothing, someone with a complete blank slate personality? I can't even fantasise or imagine what I'd be like if I wasn't mentally ill or traumatised, because a "me" who lived a perfectly normal life, with no mental problems, is inconceivable as "me".

First my life was fucked up by others and then I've just continued doing it myself. I can't see a future either, just one big blurry nothing.

And I absolutely relate to not knowing who I'd even be. My whole personality is basically depression and the dark sense of humor it has given me. I've been depressed my whole life; there's no "becoming myself again" - this is all I've ever been. And I don't a clue who I'd be without depression. Feels like I'd have to like build a personality from scratch.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I don't have anything helpful to add but definitely relate to the confusion and lost-ness and lack of trust in the small hints of 'hope' that pop up that soon get shut down by memories of past fuck ups. Stalemate. Its so hard to explain to anyone else. I'm sorry you feel this mess too.

 

[Felodese]

I don't relate. I desperately wanting to recover. I'll do anything.

Well, what can I say. You're probably already a lot saner than me - which aught to be a good sign. I wish you all the best.

 

[Kavka]

I think your reaction to the vague, clichéd advice you have been given is reasonable and doesn't necessarily indicate that you don't want to get better.

If someone came to you with a suggestion or piece of advice that was actionable and realistic, and you could see how it might work and have some kind of return on investment, would you be willing to try it out?

 

[Felodese]

I don't have anything helpful to add but definitely relate to the confusion and lost-ness and lack of trust in the small hints of 'hope' that pop up that soon get shut down by memories of past fuck ups. Stalemate. Its so hard to explain to anyone else. I'm sorry you feel this mess too.

Misery loves company, man. It's nice knowing there are at least some people who understand

If someone came to you with a suggestion or piece of advice that was actionable and realistic, and you could see how it might work and have some kind of return on investment, would you be willing to try it out?

Good question. I'm not sure.
Maybe I just can't see that happening, but maybe I'd be more open to it. But I'd might just fall back to telling myself I don't deserve it cause I'm a piece of shit.

 

[arnxxx]

Well, what can I say. You're probably already a lot saner than me - which aught to be a good sign. I wish you all the best.

I have serious suicidal ideation too. Only to be stopped when I will be cured. I can't even imagine not wanting to recover. It's all I live for.

 

[Felodese]

I have serious suicidal ideation too. Only to be stopped when I will be cured. I can't even imagine not wanting to recover. It's all I live for.

Just for clarification, I wasn't trying to be a dick. Not being like me is a very good sign and so is knowing what you want.

 

[arnxxx]

Just for clarification, I wasn't trying to be a dick. Not being like me is a very good sign and so is knowing what you want.

All I want in life is this constant suffering to end. It took everything from me.

 

[leloyon]

First my life was fucked up by others and then I've just continued doing it myself. I can't see a future either, just one big blurry nothing.

And I absolutely relate to not knowing who I'd even be. My whole personality is basically depression and the dark sense of humor it has given me. I've been depressed my whole life; there's no "becoming myself again" - this is all I've ever been. And I don't a clue who I'd be without depression. Feels like I'd have to like build a personality from scratch.

It's the same with me, though the only "future" I can really conceive of is just rotting in my mother's house as a shut-in, ie. how I'm already living.

 

[derpyderpins]

I've definitely had this feeling, and I think you see it on here with a lot of people who don't realize that's what they're feeling.

One aspect of it is that when you're down deep for an extended period, you start resenting the world. You see only the bad and ugly. You decide the world is bad. So, then, if I get better . . . am I bad? If I manage to be happy in such an ugly place, am I not adapting and making myself just as ugly? This type of thinking.

It can lead to ideology which glorifies not trying, because trying is part of the bad and ugly. That's even beyond not wanting to get better, it's actively wanting to stay just as bad. That's how I felt in my early 20s a lot.

Of course, self-hatred can also play a role, conscious or subconscious. That's closer to my speed now, although the past few weeks I'm really working on the self-hatred, I think with some success.

 

[TheLastBoyOnEarth]

Yeah, I have days when I want to recover but other days I don't.

I have a severe chronic pain condition. I've had it the last ten years. I will probably have it the rest of my life. So recovering for me would be to be okay with living the rest of my life with chronic pain and try to live a meaningful life despite it, which is hard.

Some days I definitely don't want to recover, but I try to give it time.

 

[Felodese]

Yeah, I have days when I want to recover but other days I don't.

I have a severe chronic pain condition. I've had it the last ten years. I will probably have it the rest of my life. So recovering for me would be to be okay with living the rest of my life with chronic pain and try to live a meaningful life despite it, which is hard.

Some days I definitely don't want to recover, but I try to give it time.

Of course it's not the same, but I've heard a lot of people saying that if you're chronically depressed, you should just accept it and try to find something that makes the suffering worth while. And I feel intense hatered and resentment towards this attitude, because trying to to do that has basically been my whole life, and it's been fucking miserable.
So I imagine that it's even harder to have to accept illness or chronic pain.

 

[Peaceful Departure]

I completely relate with not wanting to get better, and also that this is frequently due to suppressed emotions as @not_actually_human mentioned. Personally, i grapple with a desperate desire for vengeance that overrides my willingness to improve my life. My family is rather horrific, and my ex did things i thought no human capable of. I still can't fathom how I can put my whole life on hold to help someone get support, just for them to abuse me in ways that have haunted me ever since. In addition she weaponized the entire support community against me making me out to be the abuser in what I can only assume was done to cover up the truth being the opposite. The whole situation has left me isolated out of fear of her.
Anyway, i've been unable to let go as everything has had such a catastrophic impact on my day to day life, which has resulted in a yearning for vengeance im still in the process working through.

 

[noreallynotmarcy]

Sometimes I think I'm destined to be this way. I had a narcissistic (real talk narcissist) boyfriend years ago whom I'm convinced was my warning sign from God, to not entertain or romanticize depression and push through what I need to do, but the setbacks seem insurmountable. I'm not repeating the behaviors, but I see myself heading down a road of being possessive, practicing deliberate helplessness, and waiting for someone to save me. I only know who I am as an anxious person, a hair away from ending it all because I've fucked up my life. But I'm still here, failing because I'm afraid I'll fail, and I've got student loan guarantors and I don't know who saddles my credit card debt when I die. It's funny, I set myself up for that failure and didn't even know it. ;)

 

[Bleh61]

Anyone else struggling, or just being stuck in this mode where you just don't want to recover? For example when people tell you things like I should be kind to or learn to love myself, try to find new meaning in life (after losing the one thing that kept me going), and all I'm thinking is "well, that's not going to fucking happen", or "that just can't be done".

Partly I'm feeling that it's not truly possible, partly that it's way too late now (I'm too old, have lost my one reason to want to get better and so on), partly that I am just a generally shity person who doesn't deserve any of that, partly that it's just too hard/too long or painful a process for it to really be worth it, and I should just ctb and spare myself the pain and suffering.

Anyone who can relate?
Anyone who's felt this way and gotten over/through it (and could describe how)?

I can relate. I just turned 60 in December. After a long struggle to get past a lifetime of trauma and find a good job, I was physically and emotionally abused by my sibling, I thought I finally made it. I found a job that I was good at, had cost of living increases, good benefits, and was close to home. Then Covid came, and the family shelter where I worked refused to abide by the law. I couldn't cope with it and lacked the self-awareness to effectively advocate for myself. I just quit. I didn't even get unemployment. Fast forward three years, and I was recently forced out of a job that was so toxic, I was unable to work. I'm out of work again, living off of public assistance and the meager savings I have left. I am desperately afraid that I won't be able to keep my apartment and will wind up homeless. I've thought of suicide before, but never really went through with it. Now I desperately want my life to end.

 

[thanatos444]

Part of me just seems either too exhausted, or too pessimistic, to (want to) put in the effort to recover. It's been a struggle to sign up for DBT group courses, to go to therapy, to hold out some scrap of hope that this next medical appointment will be helpful.

 

[Seered Doom]

I can kinda relate in the sense of this being a fluctuating thing for me. It's weird because most of the time when I'm depressed, it's more of a slower thing were I just wallow in the emotion that I try to push down so much. Then, there's points where the anxiety or paranoia mixes with the depression, fearing things will be worse. The worst of these is when my PTSD flashbacks occur while I'm in a depressive moment which makes it seem like there's no point in getting better because things are recurring and it just seems like one step forward is a trip off the cliff back if I make even one mistake

 

[Edpal247]

I'm not interest in recovery. I have issues that can't be recovery from. Just want to ctb. Wish you the best in your quest to get better.