Venting not trusting people anymore

[soulchaser_]

hi.
well today I am feeling really fucking down. I feel so bad about myself and my life. it feels like everything around me absolutely hates me no matter how much I try?

I'll just say what's been mainly on my mind.
I used to have an ex, let's say F who was heavy into drugs, and I am too, but I was sober. When he relapsed I also did, but then he handled his addiction way better than me, while I spiraled even further. at one point he had enough of me and left me for some other guy, because of the drugs and my mental health.
it ruined me. it feels like it's my fault. he left for his own sanity and supposedly that's fine but I sometimes cannot forgive myself.

and well I got karma. he's since been in a long, happy relationship with the new dude. it actually breaks me. not out of jealousy but it feels like I am in the wrong and I dont deserve anything. he's still dating him and I already have 2 more failed relationships.

and in my last relationship I was getting cheated on for 6 months, dated for a year. at this point I just blame it on my drug addiction. I literally tried so hard to keep the relationship going that this is absolutely killing me. and the girl he was cheating on me with didnt know and she left him, but she got the "I'll always love you" type of apology, while I got yelled at.
and he misses her and hates me and couldn't care less about me. after a year long relationship. and told me he should've broken up with me long ago.

and it makes me feel absolutely fucking worthless. because I loved him so much and gave him all the love he didn't even fucking need. I feel used as fuck. because I shed tears and was stressed out trying to fix things and it never mattered, to him it was never that serious.

I feel cringe as fuck typing all of this honestly. because I don't think that anyone... truly cares. after all those years I just cannot look at people and trust their feelings towards me. I feel like everyone is using me for something. like nobody's emotions are real, just a way for them to get something, maybe from me. I feel like I got used for... comfort?? like if I were there just to make them feel better about themselves? I don't know.
plus I feel like everyone sees me as a relationship opportunity, like an accessory. that's what I realised after trying to meet new people I guess. I don't feel like people see me as an actual person with feelings.

 

[EmptyBottle]

:| oh no, two bad relationships!

Overall, I also find it a bit tricky to trust too deeply, nor even get into relationships, since I've heard about breakups for probably a decade! Quite concerning how few people seem to be loyal to each other... made me stay away from relationships as well.

I have a feeling the apologies at the end of that 2nd relationship were probably influenced by (tw) how that cheater cheated.

As for the drug user, unfortunately different people seem to have different reactions to the drugs, idk if reduced patience is a long term side effect. Still, doesn't excuse person 1's actions.

 

[Pluto]

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I feel like everyone is using me for something. like nobody's emotions are real, just a way for them to get something, maybe from me. I feel like I got used for... comfort?? like if I were there just to make them feel better about themselves? I don't know.
plus I feel like everyone sees me as a relationship opportunity, like an accessory. that's what I realised after trying to meet new people I guess. I don't feel like people see me as an actual person with feelings.

I feel this so much. I can't think of a single partner of mine that didn't just in the end want to use me. And I'm so traumatized CTB is an option.

I do not trust a singe person - a few musicians and artists I like, but in my personal life I've seen too many people turn around and hurt you. It's the ones who are closest you have to be wary of - they're in good proximity to stick the knife in. It's not cynicism if it's realistic.

My last partner kicked me repeatedly while laughing at me - and this was someone I "trusted"

 

[usernamesarehard]

Haven't had the same experience you had, but recently went through a break up of my own because he fell out of love with me and I'm having a hard time seeing any reason to even try to get into another relationship. We didn't break up because of a specific issue, so it's not a problem I can fix. I just don't see the point in dating if you're probably going to have to go through people randomly deciding they don't want you anymore and leaving a few times. Making friends is really hard for me and the few times I do manage to make a friend, they always end up leaving. Maybe my reasons are dumb, but when you're constantly met with disappointment, it's hard to trust people and easier to just be alone, even when loneliness is a big problem of yours.