Its been a while since Ive been on this website, I was getting better for a few months I think (or maybe that was just me deluding myself). I stopped thinking about cbting because I convinced myself that I wouldnt actually do it because I was too much of a coward to go through with it so why not just spend more time on other aspects of my life. I self-harmed less, though I did relapse a couple of times. I never stopped thinking about death and the meaning of my life so I started reading classical literature and philosophy instead. I genuinely think I was on my road to recovery.
But as always life really just loves to give you hope then when u least expect it, send everything crashing down. Things feel different this time now that I've finally found a possible way to hang myself. I really wish there was alternative method I could use that would be less painful but I've weighed my options and unfortunately this seems like the only even slightly feasible method. It took me a while but I finally figured out the logistics of it. I got one of those ropes meant for aerial exercising which hopefully would be able to hold my full body weight and its design also means its easier for me to suspend myself.
All thats left for me to do is:
1) Pack up my room and my stuff so I dont leave a mess for my family
2) Write some goodbye notes
3) Wait for the right time when theres no one around to finally do it
4) decide if Im gonna go with partial or full hanging
I guess the only regrets I will have when I leave is that Ill be leaving my pets behind but I can only hope that my family will take good care of them in my stead or at least give them to a better home. They've been one of the few things holding me back from leaving and I really tried for them but I think Ive done my best so its time to let go.
I know my family will be affected by this but I hope that with time they will learn to see that having me around would be worse in the long run. As for everyone else I think they will be sad but will get over it quickly, after all I'm not close enough to anyone to warrant their grief and honestly, I'd much rather they not.
Im not sure why im even putting this out here but i guess just needed to get this off my chest and tell someone. Ive kept quiet for so long that it feels good to say something even if its just to vent
anyways thanks for listening to me :)
But as always life really just loves to give you hope then when u least expect it, send everything crashing down. Things feel different this time now that I've finally found a possible way to hang myself. I really wish there was alternative method I could use that would be less painful but I've weighed my options and unfortunately this seems like the only even slightly feasible method. It took me a while but I finally figured out the logistics of it. I got one of those ropes meant for aerial exercising which hopefully would be able to hold my full body weight and its design also means its easier for me to suspend myself.
All thats left for me to do is:
1) Pack up my room and my stuff so I dont leave a mess for my family
2) Write some goodbye notes
3) Wait for the right time when theres no one around to finally do it
4) decide if Im gonna go with partial or full hanging
I guess the only regrets I will have when I leave is that Ill be leaving my pets behind but I can only hope that my family will take good care of them in my stead or at least give them to a better home. They've been one of the few things holding me back from leaving and I really tried for them but I think Ive done my best so its time to let go.
I know my family will be affected by this but I hope that with time they will learn to see that having me around would be worse in the long run. As for everyone else I think they will be sad but will get over it quickly, after all I'm not close enough to anyone to warrant their grief and honestly, I'd much rather they not.
Im not sure why im even putting this out here but i guess just needed to get this off my chest and tell someone. Ive kept quiet for so long that it feels good to say something even if its just to vent
anyways thanks for listening to me :)
