I'm not sure I can make it until my day. Each day I just wish more and more that a semi would hit me or I'd have a heart attack in my sleep. How do you guys find ways to get through when you have a date picked?
not-2-b-the-answer
Archangel
- Mar 23, 2018
- 9,021
I don't have a date picked... I've failed before. I don't know how people go through with it. I would love to be able to die in my sleep. I don't want to get hit by a semi though. 
I feel the same, hoping to get heart attack. And die from it, not recover this time. Untill then im just enduring and surviving moment by moment. Trying to not lose my mind
I haven't picked a date. I'd just mess that up too. I was toying with tomorrow but I dunno. Can't be in July so it's this weekend or wait. But I feel ya. It's getting unbearable.
FriendofDeath
Elementalist
- May 22, 2020
- 833
I guess the one thing about having a date is making a decision and forming a plan. Personally, I don't have a date, either. Just surviving.
I guess each day I can write part of my note. This is to the pos that cheated on me. I might change it some. I'm just not sober at all and need something to keep my mind off trying tonight since he's home and I need privacy.
I still remember the day you first asked me out. We went to eat sushi and watch vanilla sky. I never told you this, but I hate sushi. I just thought you were really cute and sweet and wanted a chance to see if we could be happy.
I never thought we would end up here. We were so happy and so in love for 18 years. Im not sure what happened to make things change. Was it when I started school and we didn't really see each other because I was in class 8-5 and you worked 5-12? That couldn't have been it, because we had 6 years together from when I started school till you ripped my heart out. I know we had our fights, but every couple did and we always worked through them.
Was it when I started working a second job to try to pay off my student loans faster? Wanna know a secret? I was going to pay them off and tell you to go back to school and I would support you like you did for me. I know we didn't see each other as much, but we still had our game night on Saturday's and Thursday date night. I so wanted to give you that since I know how much you hate your job and how miserable it made you. You helped me get a job I loved and I wanted to do the same.
You made me so happy and feel so loved and secure for 18 years. I wish I knew what I did to make you stop loving me and decide to cheat on me with blah blah. I'm going to miss our all night video game sessions, our game nights with friends, the way you used to hold me, how you told me you would always be there for me even if my disease got bad. I could tell you anything without judgement and you were always so reassuring and gave such great advice. You weren't just my partner, you were my forever person, the one person who was supposed to have my back.
I remember when my best friend died. I wanted to die. I would have if you hadn't been there to hold me when I cried for days. I remember you did the same thing when I was diagnosed with my disease. You had a chance to leave me then and you didn't. I told you walk away free and clear and you said no l, you would love me forever.
But finding out you betrayed me with blah blah not once but twice and lied to me about it when I basically told you I knew is to much. I don't care to live with this disease alone and I can't go on living this lie with you. Although I do believe you are no longer sleeping with blah blah, but the pain of your betrayal on top of everything else is to much.
I thought we would grow old together and have a bunch of little dogs that would all like you better and you would laugh when I got upset. We would still do our yearly trip to the zoo and feed the giraffes. I would still probably be going to concerts and have you talk to me until I wasn't lost on my way home. We would have had such an amazing life together if you could have just talked to me about whatever caused you to stray BEFORE you did. You tell me you love me, and you act like nothing happened. I don't know what's worse you cheating, you lying about it, or you acting like nothing ever happened.
I want you to know I still love you and I always will, but I can't forgive you or live with this anymore. I hope you remember me and remember what your betrayal did. I hope everyone knows that you ripped my heart out and threw it in the garbage disposal.
The dogs medicine is in my cabinet. She gets 1/4 a pill twice a day. Always tell her I love her and I miss her. Tell her she was the best dog I could have ever had. Make sure you remember her heartworm medicine. She's up to date on her vaccines. I printed out her history and placed it in your desk. I would highly advice not going to her old vet, seeing how I worked there and this is gonna kinda screw them over and I'm pretty sure they are going to blame you.
I truly hope you are miserable for the rest of your life. You deserve nothing more.i hope you never find love and are miserable and alone.
Not sure how good this is. I'm sad now and not angry so it'll probably change.
I still remember the day you first asked me out. We went to eat sushi and watch vanilla sky. I never told you this, but I hate sushi. I just thought you were really cute and sweet and wanted a chance to see if we could be happy.
I never thought we would end up here. We were so happy and so in love for 18 years. Im not sure what happened to make things change. Was it when I started school and we didn't really see each other because I was in class 8-5 and you worked 5-12? That couldn't have been it, because we had 6 years together from when I started school till you ripped my heart out. I know we had our fights, but every couple did and we always worked through them.
Was it when I started working a second job to try to pay off my student loans faster? Wanna know a secret? I was going to pay them off and tell you to go back to school and I would support you like you did for me. I know we didn't see each other as much, but we still had our game night on Saturday's and Thursday date night. I so wanted to give you that since I know how much you hate your job and how miserable it made you. You helped me get a job I loved and I wanted to do the same.
You made me so happy and feel so loved and secure for 18 years. I wish I knew what I did to make you stop loving me and decide to cheat on me with blah blah. I'm going to miss our all night video game sessions, our game nights with friends, the way you used to hold me, how you told me you would always be there for me even if my disease got bad. I could tell you anything without judgement and you were always so reassuring and gave such great advice. You weren't just my partner, you were my forever person, the one person who was supposed to have my back.
I remember when my best friend died. I wanted to die. I would have if you hadn't been there to hold me when I cried for days. I remember you did the same thing when I was diagnosed with my disease. You had a chance to leave me then and you didn't. I told you walk away free and clear and you said no l, you would love me forever.
But finding out you betrayed me with blah blah not once but twice and lied to me about it when I basically told you I knew is to much. I don't care to live with this disease alone and I can't go on living this lie with you. Although I do believe you are no longer sleeping with blah blah, but the pain of your betrayal on top of everything else is to much.
I thought we would grow old together and have a bunch of little dogs that would all like you better and you would laugh when I got upset. We would still do our yearly trip to the zoo and feed the giraffes. I would still probably be going to concerts and have you talk to me until I wasn't lost on my way home. We would have had such an amazing life together if you could have just talked to me about whatever caused you to stray BEFORE you did. You tell me you love me, and you act like nothing happened. I don't know what's worse you cheating, you lying about it, or you acting like nothing ever happened.
I want you to know I still love you and I always will, but I can't forgive you or live with this anymore. I hope you remember me and remember what your betrayal did. I hope everyone knows that you ripped my heart out and threw it in the garbage disposal.
The dogs medicine is in my cabinet. She gets 1/4 a pill twice a day. Always tell her I love her and I miss her. Tell her she was the best dog I could have ever had. Make sure you remember her heartworm medicine. She's up to date on her vaccines. I printed out her history and placed it in your desk. I would highly advice not going to her old vet, seeing how I worked there and this is gonna kinda screw them over and I'm pretty sure they are going to blame you.
I truly hope you are miserable for the rest of your life. You deserve nothing more.i hope you never find love and are miserable and alone.
Not sure how good this is. I'm sad now and not angry so it'll probably change.
not-2-b-the-answer
Archangel
- Mar 23, 2018
- 9,021
I don't know what to say. I am so so so sorry. I burst into tears reading this. I can't imagine the pain. I just want to hug you. I know this sounds insincere probably but I hope not. I also hope you can survive this betrayal. You deserve to find all of those things you hoped to find with your partner. I have been betrayed but not like this so I won't say things will be better soon. It takes years to get through something like this. I'm hoping you can.
Thank you. I just wish I knew what I did that was so horrible that he could betray me like this. I even gave him a second "out" on the 2 year anniversary of me being diagnosed with my disease and he still said he would love me forever. Guess forever to him was another 2-3 months.So sorry for all your pain … he doesn't deserve you.
I tried. I found out back in January. I tried to forgive him, get over him, but neither works. I still love him and don't want to go through this disease alone and he's the only person I want. I just don't see how you do this to someone you say you love.
autumnal
Enlightened
- Feb 4, 2020
- 1,950
Not to be too blunt, but trying to forgive him would have required you telling him that you knew he had cheated, and giving him a chance to explain and then seeing if you still loved and trusted him. Keeping the knowledge secret to yourself and growing so bitter and vengeful about things (to the point where you plan to suicide in order to hurt him) is not a proper attempt to forgive him. I'm not saying he necessarily deserves forgiveness, I'm just saying don't kid yourself that you gave him a proper chance to request it.
Soul
gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha
- Apr 12, 2019
- 4,704
I gather the date you've chosen is important to you, but is it *necessary* to stick to it if you don't want to?
I'm sorry you're suffering and I personally wouldn't want to be on a schedule.
It's important because I'll be alone and have someone to take my cat.
MeriDeath
Im on the edge of reality
- May 10, 2020
- 213
He should have admitted it. I did some kind of semi illegal stuff to snoop so I can't exactly admit that to him. So if me saying hey why did the hoe bag post a picture of her in blah town the same weekend you were there and why is she now Facebook friends with your best friend when you said they didn't know each other didn't do it, I doubt saying what else I found would.he deserves everything that's going to happen. I hope he suffers for the rest of his life because of this.
not-2-b-the-answer
Archangel
- Mar 23, 2018
- 9,021
I hate to see you CTB because of that jerk.
For me personally, I'm not CTB because of a relationship that ended. Though at the time there were a few I thought I could. I just want to CTB because life is shitty and so are most people. I don't know if he will regret it or not. Maybe for awhile. People can just hurt us and not give it much thought afterward. I have to be honest ... I have not treated others the best either. I have made mistakes. Just as I have had other people shit on me.
I just want to get off this awful ride. I guess I sound like a hyppocrite ... even though I try not to. My main reason for wanting to CTB isn't about people. It's that I will be working shit jobs until I die.
autumnal
Enlightened
- Feb 4, 2020
- 1,950
'Semi illegal'? Do you really thing he's going to care about something like that? It already sounds like you are the vindictive one, not him. So I really can't picture him reporting you to police for accessing his phone illegally or whatever happened, especially if he's already facing the 'shame' of being the one caught cheating.
I think maybe you are scared to confront him while alive because you will either find out that he didn't cheat on you, or that he did cheat on you but he had reasons you may find confronting to face up to.
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There's NEVER a reason to cheat. If you are unhappy either talk about it or leave. You don't sleep with the nastiest and ugliest man beast whore you can find.
It's not just him. My job sucks now and I have a chronic Illness. So it's best to go now while I still have my independenceI hate to see you CTB because of that jerk.
People can just hurt us and not give it much thought afterward. I have to be honest ... I have not treated others the best either. I have made mistakes. Just as I have had other people shit on me.
I just want to get off this awful ride. I guess I sound like a hyppocrite ... even though I try not to. My main reason for wanting to CTB isn't about people. It's that I will be working shit jobs until I die.
not-2-b-the-answer
Archangel
- Mar 23, 2018
- 9,021
I'll miss some things, but I need this pain to end.You will be missed.
