Help Not sure how to feel.

[hopelessness009]

Hi.

Last year I started seeing a guy. We once went out and spent the night at a hotel room. I drank too much and was feeling sick and lightheaded. I even threw up a little. When i was sleeping he had sex with me. I woke up a little and just layed there as he did it. And I remember him stopping and getting something and then I dont remember anything. I didnt really realise what happened. We continued to see each other. He ended it a few months ago. So I vented to some girls and would tell about what happened and stuff he did. I was trying to get over him so i vented. He wasnt that great. And i was trying to get myself to realise that. I also told them about what happened in the hotel room. I dont know why I did. They all said it was rape because i was sleeping and not awake. I was suprised cus I didnt think it was. I dont know maybe it was cus i was so into him that i didnt wanna admit it. But still even now i dont feel like it was. I know im emotionally fucked.

I dont feel like it did anything to me. I feel okay. But still it angers me. I walked away hurt and used. Im so tempted to tell my dad what he did to me. That he did something to me while i slept and never consented too. I dont wanna call it rape though. I think its cus every time rape is protrayed its always violent and painful. But it didnt hurt and it wasnt scary. Im not scared of him, im just uncomfortable around him. I mean I could have done something. I woke up to him doing it. I could have tried to say something. Sure i was dizzy and drunk too much but a small part of me is like ... well u did wake up so if i didnt want to i could have done something. But i was feeling so pyshically sick that i just layed there.

I have to see him at work and i was hoping if i tell my dad maybe he could get the teamleader(that mans leader at his work) to change driver(he works as a driver, we dont work together he just picks up products where i work) and get a new one to drive for us. Cus i hate seeing him. I dislike having to load his car. And i hate seeing my parents be friendly with him. It just pisses me off. But im so scared and i dont really wanna tell my dad. I have no idea what to do...

I feel so invalid because i still saw him after that night. I continued to meet him. So if it didnt affect me was it truly a bad thing? Was it still SA? I feel so lost. I know i also tend to push away my feelings.

 

[Kempel556]

From what you just said, Its a case of rape because you were asleep and didn´t consent, It doesn´t have to be violent in order to be classified as rape, I know its hard but you should let your father know that way he could take some action and stop being friendly with the guy that did this to you. You shouldn´t be scared to tell your father what he did because that way he will never take responsibility for his actions and continue to do this things without thinking about what people feel.
Hope this can help :)

 

[UsagiDrop]

I feel so invalid because i still saw him after that night. I continued to meet him. So if it didnt affect me was it truly a bad thing? Was it still SA? I feel so lost.

I am so sorry that you went through something like this.

I had a similar situation. I accepted drinks from people I thought I should trust, and came to/woke up to them doing things to me without my consent. I even remember them taunting me. But after it happened, because I was unable to process and accept what had happened to me, I entered a relationship with them.

The fact that we stayed with our abusers does not make what happened to us invalid and it does not make it our fault. You were sleeping, and under the influence; you never gave consent, so I think most people would define the act he committed as SA. Whether or not it affected you very much is a personal thing, but it very much is a bad thing in my opinion, and I'm sorry you had to go through it.

But you are not a bad person for what happened, or how you handled it.

In a kind of separate situation, I ended up in another similar problem where my dad knew an abuser of mine. I actually gave this person a job. I don't know if I wish I told my dad, I personally think I was better off not doing it. That's a call for you to make, but I would advise that you do tell him if it will make you more comfortable. You shouldn't have to see your ex often, much less work with him. You don't have to be detailed about the situation, but if you can be granted any way not to be reminded of that traumatic event your ex put you through, I think you should take it. I wish you the best.

 

[Kaycee]

What happened to you was definitely SA and completely not your fault.

You have the right to feel how you feel, and if your dad can help get that man away from you that would be great. You don't have to tell your dad the whole story if you don't want to right now.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your dad, and if you simply tell him that your ex makes you very uncomfortable and it makes being at work harder for you, I'm sure he will help you. If your dad asks why, just say you aren't ready to talk about it and he should understand. In my experience and also what I've seen time and time again, people are often more willing to help and more understanding than you think they will be.

Please give your dad a chance to help. You will heal faster and feel better if you don't have to see your ex.

 

[hopelessness009]

I am so sorry that you went through something like this.

I had a similar situation. I accepted drinks from people I thought I should trust, and came to/woke up to them doing things to me without my consent. I even remember them taunting me. But after it happened, because I was unable to process and accept what had happened to me, I entered a relationship with them.

The fact that we stayed with our abusers does not make what happened to us invalid and it does not make it our fault. You were sleeping, and under the influence; you never gave consent, so I think most people would define the act he committed as SA. Whether or not it affected you very much is a personal thing, but it very much is a bad thing in my opinion, and I'm sorry you had to go through it.

But you are not a bad person for what happened, or how you handled it.

In a kind of separate situation, I ended up in another similar problem where my dad knew an abuser of mine. I actually gave this person a job. I don't know if I wish I told my dad, I personally think I was better off not doing it. That's a call for you to make, but I would advise that you do tell him if it will make you more comfortable. You shouldn't have to see your ex often, much less work with him. You don't have to be detailed about the situation, but if you can be granted any way not to be reminded of that traumatic event your ex put you through, I think you should take it. I wish you the best.

Im so sorry that happened. Its comforting that we had similar experience though. Im not close with my dad so i think it makes it harder. Im not one to really open up either.

 

[window]

what happened to you is definitely rape, non consensual sex. i am so so so so sorry this happened to you, it's absolutely abhorrent. staying with someone who did that to you doesn't make that at all right. it's so confusing and odd when something like that happens. i ended up still talking to the man who groomed me for a few more months until he ended up just disappearing one day. i processed what he did to me when we were still friends, but it really only hit me until he left what he really did. i promise you dear, what you're feeling is valid, and what happened to you was not okay whatsoever. im proud of you for speaking up about this. could you start talking to a therapist or someone akin to that? much love <3

 

[sash]

You did not consent. He took what he wanted without your consent.
You were sleeping!
Did he use protection cos thats an xtra layer of illegality if not (country dependant).
If I struggle to think 'was it bad' 'did they mean that' I put someone else I have liked/cared for at some point in place of me in the story. How do I feel about it happening to someone else, does it change my opinion. What if yr friend told you that exact story you told, but its them (not you) instead? What would you say to them about it?

 

[gonnaregretthis]

hey. something like this happened to me almost exactly 10 years ago. took me 5 months to acknowledge what happened to me. its really confusing and frustrating. you didnt do anything wrong by not telling him to move or acting in ways you wish you did now. everything youre describing was a trauma response. its honestly not fun hearing all this so i hope you can give yourself time to heal from everything. and i also hope the person who did this to you goes to hell.

also the biggest thing that i regret in the 10 years since this happened is not acknowledging how triggering my triggers were, if that makes sense. if you have to quit your job cause you cant be around this guy, there are other jobs. just one person's experience tho.

 

[hopelessness009]

hey. something like this happened to me almost exactly 10 years ago. took me 5 months to acknowledge what happened to me. its really confusing and frustrating. you didnt do anything wrong by not telling him to move or acting in ways you wish you did now. everything youre describing was a trauma response. its honestly not fun hearing all this so i hope you can give yourself time to heal from everything. and i also hope the person who did this to you goes to hell.

also the biggest thing that i regret in the 10 years since this happened is not acknowledging how triggering my triggers were, if that makes sense. if you have to quit your job cause you cant be around this guy, there are other jobs. just one person's experience tho.

You did not consent. He took what he wanted without your consent.
You were sleeping!
Did he use protection cos thats an xtra layer of illegality if not (country dependant).
If I struggle to think 'was it bad' 'did they mean that' I put someone else I have liked/cared for at some point in place of me in the story. How do I feel about it happening to someone else, does it change my opinion. What if yr friend told you that exact story you told, but its them (not you) instead? What would you say to them about it?

what happened to you is definitely rape, non consensual sex. i am so so so so sorry this happened to you, it's absolutely abhorrent. staying with someone who did that to you doesn't make that at all right. it's so confusing and odd when something like that happens. i ended up still talking to the man who groomed me for a few more months until he ended up just disappearing one day. i processed what he did to me when we were still friends, but it really only hit me until he left what he really did. i promise you dear, what you're feeling is valid, and what happened to you was not okay whatsoever. im proud of you for speaking up about this. could you start talking to a therapist or someone akin to that? much love <3

Hi. Thank you guys. I just feel so invalid cus i still dated him till he left me. It was only then i realised when i told others what had happened. Im scared if i tell someone they will think im doing this only cus he left me. But i just didnt remember. Even now i dont remember much from that night. I saw him for aroubd 8 months after it happened.

 

[gonnaregretthis]

Hi. Thank you guys. I just feel so invalid cus i still dated him till he left me. It was only then i realised when i told others what had happened. Im scared if i tell someone they will think im doing this only cus he left me. But i just didnt remember. Even now i dont remember much from that night. I saw him for aroubd 8 months after it happened.

hey again this isnt uncommon. i had a lot of trouble telling other people and the social outcome was honestly the hardest part for me, so i dont blame you. even though i wasnt dating the person who raped me i still hung out with him for a couple of months because he was in my social circle. if there werent issues in that social circle i probably would have kept what happened to myself. every situation is complicated but i definitely encourage you to check if you trust people before telling them. people can be real assholes abt this, which is not your fault. i told way too many people what happened to me in a search for validation and it made life as whole very triggering. hope that makes sense

 

[DragonWingsOnFire]

I am a man, but still, that is not okay in any way, i hate that some people exist that are like this. I hope you are doing better. I would love too hear more updates from you. And remember that you are better that him .