Venting not sure how to feel

[LocalAngel]

i've been having a few "ok" days recently, and im really not sure how to feel about it.. i was so sure i wanted to CTB, and logically, rationally, i still am. But emotionally, fuck man... i wanna play a few games i haven't finished. Watch a few more shows to completion. But i know logically that it's only a temporary happiness, and the ticking time bomb that is my life, will make things worse over time. Happiness isn't contentedness. This isn't living for me.

Unrelated to the above, but i bought my SN from IC about a week ago or so. I only recently found out you can be fined for obtaining it without a license where i live. (Western australia). I am more then a little bit spooked about the idea of getting a fine, but i'm sure i'll be ok. it'd be first offense.

Hell, i even managed to tell my psych about it. But obviously, had to lie about my intentions. Was honest that it was for CTB stuff, wasn't honest about how badly i've been wanting to. Instead lying that i have things anchoring me. They were really cool about though, even said that they would make sure i didn't have to go into court based off of my mental health, if it went that badly.
I normally really don't trust doctors. They're the exception. xP

 

[VioletNight]

I completely feel you on wanting to stay around to play games/watch things. What games are you wanting to play?

I'd say if you're even having any doubts about it you shouldn't do anything. Also I hope you don't have to deal with any legal troubles, it'd be quite cruel for them to punish you for that. I hope you can work through the feelings and figure it all out.

 

[Implicationz]

I'm in WA too.
I bought my SN from a lab, checmical supplier with no issues or need of a license (lol).

 

[HadItAll]

There will always be something like that you'd want to stick around for. I really wanted to see the advancement in AI and what it could do in 2050s for example.

I'm just too terrified to become so ill that I would need to go back living with my parents at 30+ and not being able to afford ctb methods.

 

[FuneralCry]

You are fortunate I guess for not having to suffer negative consequences after telling them that, but anyway at least having the SN means you have the option of a way to leave so you aren't trapped here. It really is so horrible how they punish people for simply planning a reliable way to leave this world, but anyway best wishes.

 

[LocalAngel]

I'm in WA too.
I bought my SN from a lab, checmical supplier with no issues or need of a license (lol).

When did you do that? And was it locally or internationally?

I completely feel you on wanting to stay around to play games/watch things. What games are you wanting to play?

I'd say if you're even having any doubts about it you shouldn't do anything. Also I hope you don't have to deal with any legal troubles, it'd be quite cruel for them to punish you for that. I hope you can work through the feelings and figure it all out.

I'm wanting to finish crosscode mainly, yume nikki fangames, and maybe something as simple as a few fallout games before i go.

 

[VioletNight]

I'm wanting to finish crosscode mainly, yume nikki fangames, and maybe something as simple as a few fallout games before i go.

Ooh I've been meaning to finish Crosscode, game is a blast. FNV is one of my favorite games of all time so definitely play that one too.

 

[Archness]

Happiness isn't contentedness. This isn't living for me.

Honestly find myself sticking around just for dopamine. But I'm still just kinda done with life.

 

[blanket99]

I'm honestly kinda in the same boat, except I already have SN. I have some savings left so I've spent most of my time either outside relaxing or finishing video games I've not beaten.

It's just temporary relief though, like you mentioned and I've already made up my mind, just trying to enjoy the last weeks or maybe months the best I can

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I remember years ago in Belgium a 24-year old was approved for euthanasia because of mental illness. As the date approached she changed her mind because as she said the weeks before had been okay and free of any major emotional crises. So as you can see ambivalence is a very normal thing. To end the pain you have to sacrifice ever positive thing in your life which is a very tall order.

That was pretty bold sharing that with your doctor. Still do be careful because in the end they will prioritize their professional well-being.

 

[LocalAngel]

I remember years ago in Belgium a 24-year old was approved for euthanasia because of mental illness. As the date approached she changed her mind because as she said the weeks before had been okay and free of any major emotional crises. So as you can see ambivalence is a very normal thing. To end the pain you have to sacrifice ever positive thing in your life which is a very tall order.

You truly do get it. And i agree.