I'm here because of physical health but don't have family to worry about. Still, it hasn't been easier because I'm not exactly ready to go nor do I want to by my own hand. The mental effects of having to contemplate this in that mindset are very mentally taxing. I'm also appalled society puts us in this position. Not only do we physically suffer but I have developed PTSD from this. All because some prolifers out there thinks they get to dictate my life for me. The right to die is the most basic of human rights.
Totally agree. PTSD for sure. Its a daily reinforcing trauma and constant terror this.
I can relate to this so well. I started to get intense fears of hell, also. That seems to have abated a bit. Now it's just sadness at a lost life. I hate watching everyone living their lives around me while I can't and I just suffer daily. I, too, look forward to sleep. It's the only respite from this suffering. I get panic when I start to wake and remember the body I am in.
Yep, same. Watching everyone else live is traumatising in itself. And people have the right to tell us we cant choose to tap out of this hell.
I can relate to absolutely every word too.
I feel like my (very interesting) life has been flushed down the toilet overnight.
Omg that is IT, fully. Life flushed down the toilet overnight. Every bit of work youve put in, everything youve gone thro and overcome to create a life, every friendship, hobby, all the personal growth and development to understand who you are. Jeez, who i am??? Totally gone, so what a waste that was too. Its horrific. And i think, if we ctb, does reincarnation or another life await us? All that striving, schooling and shit again????
I get it, would rather have been hit by a truck and died, than live in pain forever.
Ive had some real moments of desperation and entrapment. I feel like im in a burning building and wanting to leap out. Im also in mourning and devastated for sweet little me, that its come down to this hell.
Why? Ive always been a kind and decent person. Almost too careful. But yeah. I also found out i contracted high risk hpv despite having only 2 sexual partners and always using condoms. Just venting to you lot. Im like a rambling old drunk who needs to go home. This has all just been the nail in tbe coffin for my miserable life.
I decided today I will do it, I have to find a way, or it's a lifetime of being miserable, to make other people feel comfortable.
Omg i understand the hit by a truck thing too. I would far rather have a 'natural' way out. Trying to make ctb happen is terrifying for me. But no choice.
I have a long term chronic illness.
I can just about cope with it and the pain, but I'm depressed from the loneliness and inability to find a partner.
I probably post more on here about loneliness/depression than my illness, but ultimately the illness is the root cause and the bigger issue.
Neither of these things is quite severe enough to make me want to CTB, but the two combined makes CTB a very enticing option.
Oh man, the loneliness is gut wrenching. Utterly devastating. And yep i feel like the mental and emotional side of being chronically ill is building and building for me. No doubt people will judge ctb as being mentally driven, "not coping with the illness". But this is the thing, a terminal illness will take you thro its steps, all supported and cared for. We're supposed to what, languish in suffering for years or decades? That is the scariest aspect of this, all this pain, loneliness, fomo, fear for our safety and security, lack of support, waking up in a trapped body, every day for how bloody long??????? Wtaf.
Some people can and do find acceptance. So ctb isnt the only option. Maybe those people are more content than me, I keep being told I'm not showing strength or positivity. I dont think its that, i think i just cant be inactive and lost for the world like this.
No i have a heinous disease known as chronic urinary tract infection. Nobody understands it or knows how to treat it. In constant burning pain, I just so desperately need to go. I cannot accepy this as a 'life'. I dont know what to do, living in the UK, I am looking for a drowning spot.
What makes this truly CRUEL is knowing how amazing life would be without this chronic illness, seeing all my friends move on with happy lives, being a burden on my loved ones and slowly shrinking into a miserable, paranoid and anxious person. All I do is dread each moment until I can finally go to sleep. However, lately my mind has been torturing me that I will go to hell if I ctb. I am really scared but cannot realistically live like this and hope if there is a 'God', they would understand that. There is nobody I can talk to about this, apart from you lovely lot. My friends and partner cant bear to hear it, my mother gets upset, dad gets angry, therapists have to inform if having suicidal thoughts. I'm alone in this unbearable pain.
I'm 35 and counting down the days for this to be over, it's absolute torture. Im looking for drowning locations in UK if anyone would be kind enough to share... PM me. I know nobody can but it's worth asking lol.
I meant im 36 lol how do i think im still 35. This year has been the worst
I relate to all of this so fully. Life is right there for the living but its out of our grasp. Tantalisingly so. Like sometimes i can almost touch it. Then my body responds and tells me its out of reach. Its another emotional trauma, you get sucked in then spat out daily.
I too am worried about the consequences after death but so much of this is conditioning from our society. How living is this God? All religions and spiritual traditions say something against ctb. But also all gurus and teachers talk to overcoming suffering. As someone on another thread said, there is no way we are enlightened enough as humans, no matter how much practicing and praying we do, to heal from or face this level of suffering just by meditation. And we are not bad people; no way. Even if i have lived before and been a total asshole, i think i'd kindov innately be aware of that. I am basically a good and compassionate person. Maybe i didnt listen well enough, maybe i judged and struggled a bit. But i am no better or worse than most others. Yet i am in this!? No, this is no karma. And it is something way beyond what a guru or teacher can write to if they have not lived it. I believe we will be embraced. Healed even. If heaven, God, the Universe or the Dao are the source we return home to, we MUST be welcomed with love from this. We are not here lightly. We are not just opting out frivolously. We are at out wits end.
