Venting not sure how to call that one, im just alone

[scully]

i dont think i have bad friends. i think most of them are great. compassionate people who genuinely care about me at least to some extent. however i am still alone with my issues because my issues are not the problems that "normal" people know how to deal with. i have ocd which has lately started to impact my daily life greatly, on top of my regular compulsions my self harm became daily and mostly requiring stiches. i haven't had a day without cutting since the end of april. ive needed stiches several times but went to get them only twice. the second time they wanted to hospitalize me, i refused. and absolutely no one knows. my relationship with my mother is rocky at best. my friends are good people but not people i would want to know about shit like that. my best friend is a guy that always has to have it the worst so lately i just decided to let him. i love the guy, he is compassionate and empathetic but he is also very mentally ill and i know that if he found out that ive been cutting everyday and most days to the point of needing stitches, he'd probably relapse to prove to himself he isnt okay either. he wouldnt do it consciencely but it wouldnt really matter. i'd still feel guilty. people from uni are great but even if they went through a darker time it was a long time ago and lasted a year or two. which absolutely doesnt mean it isnt valid or that they dont deserve sympathy or that they didnt genuinely suffer. it just means they wouldnt necessarily get how im feeling rn. and its just lonely. being technically not alone anymore but still having to lie to people closest to me. and it is okay and i cant blame them for the decisions that im making. but i just wish i had someone who would be there for me without demanding me to change right this moment. who would give me time with my ocd and treatment.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I also suffer from ocd, and while it isn't my primary reason for being suicidal it definitely does nothing besides make my life more difficult. And this disorder affects me in ways I can't talk to almost anyone I know about otherwise they might never be able to look at me the same. If you need someone to talk to I'm available.