moodrings
chronically online freak
- May 28, 2023
- 10
it sucks. it fucking sucks and there's no other way to describe it. I'm tired. I just want to know what its like to feel any sort of normalcy. they all mock me and make jokes. i laugh along and pretend like they dont stick with me but they do, every one of them does. today was the worst, they found my deadname and they wouldn't stop they wouldn't stop talking and was overbearing. i cried, and i feel so stupid for crying but i did and i cant stop thinking about it. i don't want to be this way, i just want to be normal. but if i present as the way I'm born then i feel even worse. i just want to be free from this body.
but i feel so guilty, i don't want to hurt those who do care about me, i don't want to hurt those who love me. but i just cannot see myself living like this. i want to give up, I'm sorry for feeling like this, I'm sorry for being this monstrosity, I'm sorry for needing to be something I'm not. I'm sorry for being a nuisance.
I'm not sure i will ever feel any sort of joy for as long as i live-- so what's the point? I'm only going because i don't want to hurt my family and friends. im living just to live. but I'm not sure how much longer i can do this. I'm not sure how much longer i can bare the mockery. I'm a fucking idiot. i should have never found out what was wrong with me, i should've continued living without the knowledge of this illness.
i dont want anyone to have to carry the weight of my suicide but i dont think i can continue on like this. i dont even feel alive anymore, i dont think ive ever felt alive in the first place.
i just want to be free from this body and from this mind.
im pathetic
but i feel so guilty, i don't want to hurt those who do care about me, i don't want to hurt those who love me. but i just cannot see myself living like this. i want to give up, I'm sorry for feeling like this, I'm sorry for being this monstrosity, I'm sorry for needing to be something I'm not. I'm sorry for being a nuisance.
I'm not sure i will ever feel any sort of joy for as long as i live-- so what's the point? I'm only going because i don't want to hurt my family and friends. im living just to live. but I'm not sure how much longer i can do this. I'm not sure how much longer i can bare the mockery. I'm a fucking idiot. i should have never found out what was wrong with me, i should've continued living without the knowledge of this illness.
i dont want anyone to have to carry the weight of my suicide but i dont think i can continue on like this. i dont even feel alive anymore, i dont think ive ever felt alive in the first place.
i just want to be free from this body and from this mind.
im pathetic
