Not religious at all . . . But . . .

[applegreenicecream]

So I'm not religious at all . . . I tried to be after my child died. . . I really wanted to believe. . . But ultimately I'm just too cynical and critical a thinker. I'm not the kind of person who can cling to an illusion if the facts don't support it. I guess that's why I find myself here.

I've got my plan to ctb. I've got my tools. The desire waxes and wanes, but ultimately I believe I will do it.

And yet I find myself afraid.

Despite claiming myself to be a critical thinker I am still a little scared that there is an after life and that I'll end up in "hell" for ending my life. And that I'll be separate from my children forever.

I think most of us ctb because we think we are leaving a terrible situation behind and finding peace. Which is what we all want right?

I get scared sometimes that by killing myself I'm just going to end up in a worse place.

We think earth is the worst it can get.

What if we're wrong?

 

[LMLN]

I do have faith, and I struggle with these fears myself. I'm in the same position as you, I have my tools and method. The desire is always there, but the fear of the consequences outweigh the drive to act. But I do think I will get there eventually. The pain is just so big, eventually it will outweigh the fears I think.
Feel free to PM me if you'd like. I'm happy to discuss this!

 

[applegreenicecream]

I do have faith, and I struggle with these fears myself. I'm in the same position as you, I have my tools and method. The desire is always there, but the fear of the consequences outweigh the drive to act. But I do think I will get there eventually. The pain is just so big, eventually it will outweigh the fears I think.
Feel free to PM me if you'd like. I'm happy to discuss this!

It must be even harder for you having faith.

But the way I see it, would a loving parent/God see us dumped in Hell over this? It's like punishing your child for self harming. I can't see a loving and rational parent doing this?

 

[Oyoy]

Yep. It sucks that it could be looked at as murder and that it's not our life that makes it a choice.
I'm so sorry you lost your child. I admire your strength and fortitude.

 

[memataporfavor]

Oh well, I believe if there's a deity you believe in and that they really control everything and truly know everything and created everthing (basically IS everything), them they must know that you're capable of deciding what you can/cannot resist. If you're going through a pain that's too much for you to handle in this life, I don't think your deity (if one with a good nature of course) would be punishing. Only you know what you're going through and what you can handle. You and them, if they exist. I guess I sounded super confusing I'm sorry.

 

[LMLN]

It must be even harder for you having faith.

But the way I see it, would a loving parent/God see us dumped in Hell over this? It's like punishing your child for self harming. I can't see a loving and rational parent doing this?

It's harder in that I have to not listen to the voices saying I will be punished. I know I'm loved and forgiven, and I will not go to hell. That's where my faith comes in. But I still have that doubt, what if I'm wrong.

 

[artificialpasta]

Believe in what you have to. Ultimately religions exist to give life meaning - and that's why so many of them hold life sacred. If it keeps you going, more power to that.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

And yet I find myself afraid.

Most people are afraid, whatever they believe. Put an atheist under extreme pressure and they'll probably pray anyway. There is an inbuilt need in humans that everything is explicable and everyone gets what its deserves in the end. Even if you don't believe this, it's still a common feeling to have. Pascal had the most realistic attitude.

Pascal's wager - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

So I'm not religious at all . . . I tried to be after my child died. . . I really wanted to believe. . . But ultimately I'm just too cynical and critical a thinker. I'm not the kind of person who can cling to an illusion if the facts don't support it. I guess that's why I find myself here.

I've got my plan to ctb. I've got my tools. The desire waxes and wanes, but ultimately I believe I will do it.

And yet I find myself afraid.

Despite claiming myself to be a critical thinker I am still a little scared that there is an after life and that I'll end up in "hell" for ending my life. And that I'll be separate from my children forever.

I think most of us ctb because we think we are leaving a terrible situation behind and finding peace. Which is what we all want right?

I get scared sometimes that by killing myself I'm just going to end up in a worse place.

We think earth is the worst it can get.

What if we're wrong?

I only fear failing to kill myself and remaining aLive but in a brain damaged condition. This is the only thing i fear and is the only thing holding me back. I don't fear death . I believe there is no afterlife. Hell is here on this Earth.

 

[applegreenicecream]

I only fear failing to kill myself and remaining aLive but in a brain damaged condition. This is the only thing i fear and is the only thing holding me back. I don't fear death . I believe there is no afterlife. Hell is here on this Earth.

If you are careful with your method, research thoroughly and don't choose anything with a low success rate you should be ok though, right?

 

[voltage268]

I have the same feelings in the same boat, brought up in a christian household which (ambiguously) says that suicide would lead to hell, it's such a final act, and 'mocking the gift of life that has been so preciously given' or something along those lines.

I really like this forum for having a good number of users with similar threads with the same fears. I would logistically think - we being in this continuously depressed state have minds that will expect the worst, our depressed, negative states of mind are not the true reflection of reality. What we feel is not necessarily the truth. But the deep fear of what's next is still there for sure - no-one wants to jump out of the frying pan into the fire.

Look at all the comments from this article about the suicide of a young girl just recently here in the UK:

Tragedy as teenage waitress, 19, dies in hospital after trying to take her own life over fears of being 'stuck inside' by coronavirus self-isolation...

Look how much compassion everyone has for her. If there is a good god out there, who apparently loves us more than anyone else ever would, how is it these fallible, imperfect, sometimes evil humans are able to feel compassion for someone, some stranger taking their own life, and would hope for them to rest forever in peace, let alone a supposedly ever loving god. Sure these humans didn't give her the gift of life but they are still able to feel hurt and sympathise with her great pain. Don't anyone say that they're biased because she's good looking or anything, I've seen plenty of suicide articles and the commentators are always unanimously compassionate.

I appreciate this is just from a christian religion point of view. If god or whoever's in control isn't all loving, then we're all fucked regardless.

 

[applegreenicecream]

I have the same feelings in the same boat, brought up in a christian household which (ambiguously) says that suicide would lead to hell, it's such a final act, and 'mocking the gift of life that has been so preciously given' or something along those lines.

I really like this forum for having a good number of users with similar threads with the same fears. I would logistically think - we being in this continuously depressed state have minds that will expect the worst, our depressed, negative states of mind are not the true reflection of reality. What we feel is not necessarily the truth. But the deep fear of what's next is still there for sure - no-one wants to jump out of the frying pan into the fire.

Look at all the comments from this article about the suicide of a young girl just recently here in the UK:

Tragedy as teenage waitress, 19, dies in hospital after trying to take her own life over fears of being 'stuck inside' by coronavirus self-isolation...

Look how much compassion everyone has for her. If there is a good god out there, who apparently loves us more than anyone else ever would, how is it these fallible, imperfect, sometimes evil humans are able to feel compassion for someone, some stranger taking their own life, and would hope for them to rest forever in peace, let alone a supposedly ever loving god. Sure these humans didn't give her the gift of life but they are still able to feel hurt and sympathise with her great pain. Don't anyone say that they're biased because she's good looking or anything, I've seen plenty of suicide articles and the commentators are always unanimously compassionate.

I appreciate this is just from a christian religion point of view. If god or whoever's in control isn't all loving, then we're all fucked regardless.

You make a really good point about people's reaction to the suicide of that girl. As you say, if humans can feel that about another, then if there was an all loving god it would make sense that he would too.
The comments on her beauty are irritating though. Like it would be less of a waste if she were ugly. But perhaps that warrants an entirely new thread.

 

[voltage268]

You make a really good point about people's reaction to the suicide of that girl. As you say, if humans can feel that about another, then if there was an all loving god it would make sense that he would too.
The comments on her beauty are irritating though. Like it would be less of a waste if she were ugly. But perhaps that warrants an entirely new thread.

Agreed, maybe I should have picked another example haha.

 

[oneside]

That was also my worry a while ago, but then I start to think more about it...

I'm in a world which I did nothing wrong to suffer like I'm suffering now, I didn't ask for it and I just wanna some relief, so... why do I have to face even more pain after death ? That's just not fair!

If that actually happens, then I will be certain that either god doesn't exist or he is a fraud. The reason will be with me anyway.

But, my believe is that we are going to where we want to go. If life is not up to us, maybe death will be, and I hope I will be able to jump into non-existence, erased from reality, forever.

 

[Aliali1992]

It must be even harder for you having faith.

But the way I see it, would a loving parent/God see us dumped in Hell over this? It's like punishing your child for self harming. I can't see a loving and rational parent doing this?

Wouldn't the god that create this pain on earth be capable of inflecting more in afterlife?

So I'm not religious at all . . . I tried to be after my child died. . . I really wanted to believe. . . But ultimately I'm just too cynical and critical a thinker. I'm not the kind of person who can cling to an illusion if the facts don't support it. I guess that's why I find myself here.

I've got my plan to ctb. I've got my tools. The desire waxes and wanes, but ultimately I believe I will do it.

And yet I find myself afraid.

Despite claiming myself to be a critical thinker I am still a little scared that there is an after life and that I'll end up in "hell" for ending my life. And that I'll be separate from my children forever.

I think most of us ctb because we think we are leaving a terrible situation behind and finding peace. Which is what we all want right?

I get scared sometimes that by killing myself I'm just going to end up in a worse place.

We think earth is the worst it can get.

What if we're wrong?

I see your point..I worry about that too....i too doubted it until my life became a total mess then i started to question my beliefs and my "non-beliefs"...killing my self would be the most important decision in my life. So i have to be very carefull not to put my self in even more pain...and if i think there is notthingness i was wrong about a looooooot of stuff and decisions before why wouldn't i be wrong about this too..
In my family's religion people are told no matter how much pain in earth there is. Hell has much much more :(

 

[whiteowls96]

Think you're escaping and run into yourself. Longest way round is the shortest way home.
We are praying now for the repose of his soul. Hope you're doing well and not in hell. Nice change of air. Out of the frying pan of life into the fire of purgatory.
James Joyce

 

[suzylou]

im personally not religious but i remember someone who believed in god saying that they believed he's more gracious than catholicism makes it seem, and they'd be willing to bet there's less people in hell than we actually think, and that most people are actually good. so who knows

 

[applegreenicecream]

im personally not religious but i remember someone who believed in god saying that they believed he's more gracious than catholicism makes it seem, and they'd be willing to bet there's less people in hell than we actually think, and that most people are actually good. so who knows

I agree. It seems very unfair that someone who killed themselves would end up shoved in hell along with the real villains . . . Despots, dictators, murderers etc.