Not living

[brokensea]

I've realized the only reason I am living is not to make others sad and the guilt I feel but for myself I have no reason to live at all.

I have no quality of life, no happiness, nothing means anything to me for myself, there's nothing I want to do, life is only loneliness and pain. Emptiness that will go on forever.

My friend from another state talked about me going to visit and things we'd do. I felt a twinge of guilt knowing I'll be gone soon and none of those things would ever happen.

I know how much pain I will cause people but for me myself as a person internally, I literally have no reason at all to live. Not one reason.

I don't think I have the strength of will to continue to live in a nightmare so my friends and some of my family won't be sad. I know they will be angry, I know some will be affected but I just can't be forced to live out of guilt. I've done it so long trying to spare people pain.

These friends have their own lives I'm just someone they see once in a blue moon or just hang with for fun for them and I hardly see anyone now. I know they care but at the same time it's not a deep connection. I spend almost every day alone.

People don't really care that much about their friends. One of my friends hasn't visited me in months since I can't leave my house hardly. Another one I have moved back for 6 months now and they are busy with their boyfriend and haven't seen me even though they text me sometimes. That's just how friends are. You're a small tiny thing in their own life. So they will feel sad and guilty in hindsight but they think it's just ok to be so wrapped up in their own lives I don't matter.

When I moved away for a couple years none of my friends even came to visit me. Some I've known for 10-15 years. I invited them to see me but no one came. I'm just insignificant no matter what they say.

People have a way of caring in their mind and in what they say but they don't actually create any actions behind them to bother to see you or show any real care. I don't know why I even care they will feel bad when I'm gone. I'm going to do what's right for me. I just wish I didn't feel guilty.

 

[Cerulea]

I've realized the only reason I am living is not to make others sad and the guilt I feel but for myself I have no reason to live at all.

I have no quality of life, no happiness, nothing means anything to me for myself, there's nothing I want to do, life is only loneliness and pain. Emptiness that will go on forever.

My friend from another state talked about me going to visit and things we'd do. I felt a twinge of guilt knowing I'll be gone soon and none of those things would ever happen.

I know how much pain I will cause people but for me myself as a person internally, I literally have no reason at all to live. Not one reason.

I don't think I have the strength of will to continue to live in a nightmare so my friends and some of my family won't be sad. I know they will be angry, I know some will be affected but I just can't be forced to live out of guilt. I've done it so long trying to spare people pain.

These friends have their own lives I'm just someone they see once in a blue moon or just hang with for fun for them and I hardly see anyone now. I know they care but at the same time it's not a deep connection. I spend almost every day alone.

People don't really care that much about their friends. One of my friends hasn't visited me in months since I can't leave my house hardly. Another one I have moved back for 6 months now and they are busy with their boyfriend and haven't seen me even though they text me sometimes. That's just how friends are. You're a small tiny thing in their own life. So they will feel sad and guilty in hindsight but they think it's just ok to be so wrapped up in their own lives I don't matter.

When I moved away for a couple years none of my friends even came to visit me. Some I've known for 10-15 years. I invited them to see me but no one came. I'm just insignificant no matter what they say.

People have a way of caring in their mind and in what they say but they don't actually create any actions behind them to bother to see you or show any real care. I don't know why I even care they will feel bad when I'm gone. I'm going to do what's right for me. I just wish I didn't feel guilty.

I am sorry you're feeling guilt and conflict today. This kind of choice is deeply personal. Only you can know what decision does right by you and provides you with what you need. I have windows of guilt like this - and then I remember that no one, absolutely no one, on this planet is going to do what's best for me other than me. We really are on our own out here. That's part of my complaint about the conditions on this planet, tbh.

My therapist has talked to me many times about how people are responsible for their own emotions, and often they feel certain ways based on their reflections of themselves. When I consider that, I feel less guilty. People are taught to be sad and reflective when someone dies. People die all the time, we literally have to. There is a temporary state to that sadness. Their lives go on after a brief interruption, and I think that's a good thing. I'm fully aware that I'm an ant crawling on a rock floating in space. Lots of things that feel heavy are insignificant in the grand scheme. When I leave, it's not going to be a significant event. And that's okay.

I see a lot of compassion in you for those around you. That kindness does matter. I wish there could be more of that. Whatever you choose, whatever makes the most sense to you, there are people here to support you in that choice.

 

[foreverfalling]

You're living for other people, but you don't have a reason yourself to live. I'm in a similar boat, always putting other people first, but never myself. And when I see other people put themself first, I feel resentful, as if they are entitled. I think people like this are good and empathetic people. But this is one of the worst ways to live, when there is no one else that gives back.

Yeah I hope you can do what's right for you and that it will work out. Sometimes though I think if I do were to do this, then I'd basically lose and become 'one of them' bad people.

 

[Misery99]

I'm also in the same boat. People usually only talk to me if they want something from me. I have no real friends even though I try hard to be a good friend to others. People only text me if they need something and never genuinely show interest in keeping conversations going. Not just friends but but people in general. I feel so alone and lost. I think that if I die, I would miss nothing at all because I already live a such lonely and miserable life.

 

[brokensea]

I am sorry you're feeling guilt and conflict today. This kind of choice is deeply personal. Only you can know what decision does right by you and provides you with what you need. I have windows of guilt like this - and then I remember that no one, absolutely no one, on this planet is going to do what's best for me other than me. We really are on our own out here. That's part of my complaint about the conditions on this planet, tbh.

My therapist has talked to me many times about how people are responsible for their own emotions, and often they feel certain ways based on their reflections of themselves. When I consider that, I feel less guilty. People are taught to be sad and reflective when someone dies. People die all the time, we literally have to. There is a temporary state to that sadness. Their lives go on after a brief interruption, and I think that's a good thing. I'm fully aware that I'm an ant crawling on a rock floating in space. Lots of things that feel heavy are insignificant in the grand scheme. When I leave, it's not going to be a significant event. And that's okay.

I see a lot of compassion in you for those around you. That kindness does matter. I wish there could be more of that. Whatever you choose, whatever makes the most sense to you, there are people here to support you in that choice.

Thank you so much.

You're living for other people, but you don't have a reason yourself to live. I'm in a similar boat, always putting other people first, but never myself. And when I see other people put themself first, I feel resentful, as if they are entitled. I think people like this are good and empathetic people. But this is one of the worst ways to live, when there is no one else that gives back.

Yeah I hope you can do what's right for you and that it will work out. Sometimes though I think if I do were to do this, then I'd basically lose and become 'one of them' bad people.

It's strange too it's all in my own mind this guilt but there is also a weird sense of resentment like I have to live in pain and suffer for you so you're not sad. I feel trapped in a way like I'm in a prison I can't escape. Just feels like an avalanche of guilt. If honestly everyone I knew could forget I ever existed I would go right now.

 

[FuneralCry]

There is nothing here for me in this world as well and there never could be. I think that many people don't live instead they just exist. To me there's no such thing as peace in this life, as long as we exist there is no real relief from suffering. I could never live only for others personally and I do think that it's selfish for people to expect others to exist against their wishes. The truth is that others will never be able to understand as after all they don't experience life the same way.

 

[brokensea]

I'm also in the same boat. People usually only talk to me if they want something from me. I have no real friends even though I try hard to be a good friend to others. People only text me if they need something and never genuinely show interest in keeping conversations going. Not just friends but but people in general. I feel so alone and lost. I think that if I die, I would miss nothing at all because I already live a such lonely and miserable life.

Yeah. It sucks to always be there for people and no one is there for you. I'll never have any deep meaningful connections in my life. Sure we can go have lunch once every whatever if I could even really leave the house often anymore but what does it amount to? I'm supposed to find some purpose in such transient relationships? I'll never have a family so being a tiny insignificant part of peoples lives and having no human connections it's so lonely and pointless. We aren't supposed to live this way so utterly alone but people just get into their own lives and forget about you or only reach out when they need something. It's like you're only important in theory.

There is nothing here for me in this world as well and there never could be. I think that many people don't live instead they just exist. To me there's no such thing as peace in this life, as long as we exist there is no real relief from suffering. I could never live only for others personally and I do think that it's selfish for people to expect others to exist against their wishes. The truth is that others will never be able to understand as after all they don't experience life the same way.

Yes it's true. They never will be able to understand. They will look at as a waste of life and never being able to see me/talk to me again. They won't always see it that I was free from suffering and a journey I didn't want to continue on.