Venting Not finding a source for SN. Will have to go with hanging or jumping and i'm scared af.

[illAF]

My last hope of finding SN flew away with learning my sources don't deliver to Switzerland.
I guess I will have to go with hanging or jumping.
But I am so so so scared. I can't seem to make myself at peace with the idea of dying. I NEED to go but it appears I just can't. I'm stuck and I'm scared as fuck.

I tried hanging several times for years, I never mamaged to go all the way, even when completely desesperate. Too anxious. This is so f.cking ironic. Too anxious to live, too anxious to die.

I don't know what to do, this is so painful. I am lost and desperate.

Sorry for the vent.

 

[Kasumi]

If not chemically I'd probably go with night night or partial, it seems pretty peaceful to me and necessary items are a lot easier to obtain.
And if for some reason SN doesn't work for me I'd go with GBL.
If I may ask, what meds do you have already prepared since you wanted to go with SN?

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly understand that it's so dreadful feeling trapped in this existence, it's horrible to me how people have to resort to such terrifying ways to die in the first place and cannot just have the option to reliably die in peace. It'd be such a relief if there's the option to just fall asleep permanently, I find it hellish how we exist in this anti-suicide society where suicide is cruelly made so inaccessible.

 

[illAF]

If not chemically I'd probably go with night night or partial, it seems pretty peaceful to me and necessary items are a lot easier to obtain.
If I may ask, what meds do you have already prepared since you wanted to go with SN?

Night night seems a bit complicated to achieve in my opinion. And i tried partial but only had the feeling of head exploding, it seems I can't find my sweet spot. I am also extremely embarrassed with the idea of my roomates finding me....

I have benzos and antiemetics. I didn't look for the others for now... Waited to have a source.

I certainly understand that it's so dreadful feeling trapped in this existence, it's horrible to me how people have to resort to such terrifying ways to die in the first place and cannot just have the option to reliably die in peace. It'd be such a relief if there's the option to just fall asleep permanently, I find it hellish how we exist in this anti-suicide society where suicide is cruelly made so inaccessible.

Yeah. We should all have the choice, for sure. It is terrible to be stuck like that just because the ways to end our torturous existences are really hard to achieve.

 

[Kasumi]

I have benzos and antiemetics. I didn't look for the others for now... Waited to have a source.

Which others, thats all you need, no?
Did you consider meeting up with someone from Germany, France, Italy or Austria?
Even if you don't want to ctb together you could share ressources.

 

[Labyrinth]

Nowadays it has become difficult to live and even more difficult to die. I'm sorry you prefer suicide, but government demagoguery restricts all of our individual freedoms.

 

[illAF]

Which others, thats all you need, no?
Did you consider meeting up with someone from Germany, France, Italy or Austria?
Even if you don't want to ctb together you could share ressources.

I would have had to re-read the threads and bibles but I think there were also notion of antacid and anthistaminic. Not sure though. My memory and concentration are very bad.

Yes, I have considered that but it's complicated for me to move. So, I don't know.
There is this bridge not so far from where I live. Several suicides per year, death is guaranteed. I don't even have the guts to just go there to see.
I'm so mad at myself.

 

[Kasumi]

I would have had to re-read the threads and bibles but I think there were also notion of antacid and anthistaminic. Not sure though. My memory and concentration are very bad.

Yes, I have considered that but it's complicated for me to move. So, I don't know.

I mean you'd only have to take a train and you'd probably be back within a day, Europe is pretty small after all.
Perhaps the other person would also be able to come to where you are.
Antiacid and antihistamines are unnecessary.
Antihistamines also have anti-emetic properties but are usually not strong enough compared to Dopamine antagonists.

 

[illAF]

I mean you'd only have to take a train and you'd probably be back within a day, Europe is pretty small after all.
Perhaps the other person would also be able to come to where you are.
Antiacid and antihistamines are unnecessary.
Antihistamines also have anti-emetic properties but are usually not strong enough compared to Dopamine antagonists.

I'm suffering from a strong anxious trouble so taking the public transportation or meeting new people is not easy at all.

 

[Kasumi]

Oh yea I get that, don't benzos work for you tho?
You mentioned you arlready had them on hand.

 

[Imprisoned]

I feel the exact same way. Sources are hard to find and it's a nightmare getting the materials for a peaceful death. If you do find a source, it takes too long to ship and could be a scam.

Like fuck this fucking world, all these fucking annoying npcs cry about "muh sanctity of life" and yet they treat us like garbage while we're alive and stop us from escaping peacefully. This world is one big sick joke i stg. I might try to find a partner who has the materials as well or maybe go to South America, I dont know. FUCK YOU NORMIES

 

[illAF]

Oh yea I get that, don't benzos work for you tho?
You mentioned you arlready had them on hand.

Well, I've been taking benzos for decades now so they don't really work now.
Someone just gave me another source for SN. I will try again.

 

[Kasumi]

Well, I've been taking benzos for decades now so they don't really work now.
Someone just gave me another source for SN. I will try again.

good luck to you, if they don't work for you anymore whats the point of adding then to SN?
The only reason they're usually added is to reduce anxiety and make the experience more peaceful, they're not necessary for success though.

Out of personal interest, did you notice any adverse effects from taking them for so long?
I'm aware that the general fear of Benzos is exaggerated but it's hard to get an accurate picture of how much.

 

[illAF]

good luck to you, if they don't work for you anymore whats the point of adding then to SN?
The only reason they're usually added is to reduce anxiety and make the experience more peaceful, they're not necessary for success though.

Out of personal interest, did you notice any adverse effects from taking them for so long?
I'm aware that the general fear of Benzos is exaggerated but it's hard to get an accurate picture of how much.

I'm a bit exaggerating when saying they don't work. I think they do but not just as much as expected. I think I may have to take a high dosage with SN. Hope it won't be a problem.

As for the long term effects, it is hard to say. I have been taking a lot of pills from the age of 16-17 (I am almost 30) and I suffer from several psychiatric diseases since my young age + myalgic encephalomyelitis since a few years. So it is very hard to say which difficulties in my life are due to which disease/medication, you know ?

I am also doing an ECT treatment (obviously not working) in addition of all that. So i really have a bad memory, bad capacity of concentration and a lot of fatigue but it could be linked to many things, not only the medication...
Hope I am being understandable. English is not my native language, sorry.

 

[Kasumi]

yea that makes sense, thanks for going into detail though.