Not doing well

[escaped]

Hey,
I guess this is just a partial vent and a little bit of asking for help. I am very productive recently and it seems like my circumstances have improved compared to a few months ago. I just am feeling really depressed seemingly just because. I am just feeling really tired and sad. My chest and throat feel really heavy from sadness or something I can't explain it. I have been spontaneously crying out of nowhere and I am feeling suicidal. I just don't know what to do. I don't tell my friends or family about it anymore because I figure they're tired of hearing it or something. How can I start to pull myself out of this?

 

[stoiccactus]

Yeah I know the feeling you describe. I feel like people are pretty maxed out on trying to support my rapidly collapsing mental health. I appreciate their kindness but if I was in their shoes I'd be pretty worn out. I feel the same heaviness non-stop and it's always connected to non-stop suicidal ideation. I can't make dinner without thinking about killing myself in some way while I'm cooking.

I've been wondering the same thing myself. Tried exercise, changing up my anti-depressants, etc. Nothing working. Trajectory bad. I'm sure another doctor or therapist will tell me to sleep more or change my diet or something. But it just feels like a path towards the end...

 

[escaped]

Yeah I know the feeling you describe. I feel like people are pretty maxed out on trying to support my rapidly collapsing mental health. I appreciate their kindness but if I was in their shoes I'd be pretty worn out. I feel the same heaviness non-stop and it's always connected to non-stop suicidal ideation. I can't make dinner without thinking about killing myself in some way while I'm cooking.

I've been wondering the same thing myself. Tried exercise, changing up my anti-depressants, etc. Nothing working. Trajectory bad. I'm sure another doctor or therapist will tell me to sleep more or change my diet or something. But it just feels like a path towards the end...

Yeah I am the same way. Feels like I will end up taking my own life at some point, maybe not sometime soon, but eventually. I can hardly provide help to others so I imagine it is just as difficult for them to as well. Wellbutrin keeps me going but antidepressants just can't get me to a point where I feel ok. I am sorry you are experiencing this as well... its an awful thing. If you need to talk more I am here to try my best to listen.

 

[LittleJem]

Fluoxetine has quieted my SI - it was a loud constant voice in my head and now it is a quieter constant thought. I think they will add another medication next. I think it's a record my brain plays because of genetics, chemistry etc. Nothing has helped me apart from meds/drugs. Exercise sometimes like dancing but I have no will power these days. It sucks.

 

[escaped]

Fluoxetine has quieted my SI - it was a loud constant voice in my head and now it is a quieter constant thought. I think they will add another medication next. I think it's a record my brain plays because of genetics, chemistry etc. Nothing has helped me apart from meds/drugs. Exercise sometimes like dancing but I have no will power these days. It sucks.

I'm currently on Wellbutrin and it's nice to be able to get out of bed now. But the thoughts are there when I go about my day

 

[CountOfTuscany]

Hey,
I guess this is just a partial vent and a little bit of asking for help. I am very productive recently and it seems like my circumstances have improved compared to a few months ago. I just am feeling really depressed seemingly just because. I am just feeling really tired and sad. My chest and throat feel really heavy from sadness or something I can't explain it. I have been spontaneously crying out of nowhere and I am feeling suicidal. I just don't know what to do. I don't tell my friends or family about it anymore because I figure they're tired of hearing it or something. How can I start to pull myself out of this?

Hey there. I'm in the same boat, brother. I feel like I've been doing everything right... and yet, for the past few days, all I have wanted is to sleep forever. But at least now, I can remind myself that I am capable of improving - compared to where I was a year ago, I am doing amazing! What was it that helped you to improve? Can you do more of it? How are you doing on basic stuff like diet, exercise, sleep, stress, vitamin D levels, etc?

I'm about to aggressively try to make some new friends using meetup.com and the local college library - I think the large amount of time I spend with screens in my room is contributing to this recent downturn.

 

[StruggleWithin]

Just before the holidays and continuing to even now, I have been feeling down. Like a tightness in my chest or hard to swallow or heavy breathing, like sighing a lot. Some tears. Some anger keeps bubbling out too. These feelings tend to bring out my SI stronger. I blame how I'm feeling on the stupid holidays and my winter school break. I have found that I can hold myself together by staying busy and staying social. I would have thought that the free time off from school and the holidays for gatherings would help but just the opposite. During my holiday break, I wanted to be alone. So weird. Also there's that seasonal depression stuff now that things are getting colder/the sun isn't "out" as much. I have been wondering if I should have stayed on a med or two that I had stopped taking, but I don't think so. It's been months that I was off those meds and the timing around the holidays seem to be a factor in my depression as of late. But I wish I had a suggestion for you on how to pull yourself out of it. My plan is to hold out until classes start up again and then stay busy through the gloomy winter season. I work full time and am a full time student. Sooo busy.

 

[CountOfTuscany]

Just before the holidays and continuing to even now, I have been feeling down. Like a tightness in my chest or hard to swallow or heavy breathing, like sighing a lot. Some tears. Some anger keeps bubbling out too. These feelings tend to bring out my SI stronger. I blame how I'm feeling on the stupid holidays and my winter school break. I have found that I can hold myself together by staying busy and staying social. I would have thought that the free time off from school and the holidays for gatherings would help but just the opposite. During my holiday break, I wanted to be alone. So weird. Also there's that seasonal depression stuff now that things are getting colder/the sun isn't "out" as much. I have been wondering if I should have stayed on a med or two that I had stopped taking, but I don't think so. It's been months that I was off those meds and the timing around the holidays seem to be a factor in my depression as of late. But I wish I had a suggestion for you on how to pull yourself out of it. My plan is to hold out until classes start up again and then stay busy through the gloomy winter season. I work full time and am a full time student. Sooo busy.

I'm pretty sure you're me from a couple years ago, but since I don't recall writing this post, some time traveler must have went back and...

Anyways, seems like you just need something to occupy your mind for a few weeks. Maybe a big book series like A Song of Ice and Fire, maybe a tough game like chess or go, maybe an independent project in your academic area if possible, maaaybe a deep video game like factorio. As you say, you're happier when you're busy, so this will all hopefully get a little better when you get back to school, but for now, we just need to find you a way to approximate being busy and keep your mind active for a few weeks.

 

[StruggleWithin]

I'm pretty sure you're me from a couple years ago, but since I don't recall writing this post, some time traveler must have went back and...

Anyways, seems like you just need something to occupy your mind for a few weeks. Maybe a big book series like A Song of Ice and Fire, maybe a tough game like chess or go, maybe an independent project in your academic area if possible, maaaybe a deep video game like factorio. As you say, you're happier when you're busy, so this will all hopefully get a little better when you get back to school, but for now, we just need to find you a way to approximate being busy and keep your mind active for a few weeks.

Hi future me! Hehehe.

Watched the HBO series, love it!
I have a book series that I want to finish but they just haven't been calling to me to read.
I love chess and am moderately skilled.
I enjoy pouring over my cook books and my recipes from my culinary classes. I am planning on making risotto again.
I downloaded a game that I want to get into but gaming tends to become a rabbit hole for me and I don't need/want to get lost right meow.
My classes start up again in a week, on Wednesday.
I was on Meetup but I am not anymore. I found connections to my community there.