The way I see it, there's no reason for my dad to know. Even if he uncritically believed me with no resistance, there's no benefit to him knowing my history with his father. There's nothing for me to gain except him feeling bad. And he might feel as if he failed as a parent, but it wasn't his fault. The man is dead now and my dad is 74, so it's for the best my dad goes to his grave not knowing that happened. I was talking with this counselor lady and she was going "You need to tell him!". I tried to reason with her and said how it won't help him or me really, it would just hurt him for no gain at best. She didn't have a counterpoint and just kept saying "He needs to know" all sternly. The truth is unimportant.
The weirdest thing is that my parents never talked to me about touching. When I was like 11 or 12 my grandpa moved in with my dad and was very touchy feely with me in a way that felt wrong. He would do this shoulder massage thing to me and always put his hand on my thighs. He squeezed them and jiggled them a lot. That isn't explicitly sexual but it felt wrong. We didn't verbally communicate about it at all. I would remove his hand, then he'd immediately move it back and ignore my discomfort with it.
In late middle school it shifted from thighs to just doing whatever. He got me up for school each morning but before speaking he would play with my body. He'd squeeze my ass and lightly slap it, spread it apart, put two fingers underneath a cheek and make it jiggle. I just came to accept being felt up and played with and touched wherever. I don't know what I was doing but I just would sit in silence with him and allow him to do whatever he wanted with my body, it happened almost every morning I went to school. Then my junior year of high school I attacked him during this ritual and we never did it again. We never talked about it. I actually have no clue what years this occurred anymore, I just know it was early puberty to 17 years old.
I basically lived on my computer when I wasn't at school. I played a troll holy priest and restoration shaman in world of warcraft until the cataclysm expansion. My browsing history evolved from gamefaqs to 4chan to 420chan. My grandpa bought me cigarettes and I bought weed from a kid at school with food money. Sometimes when I had a cold I'd ask for mucinex DM pills or a specific kind of cough syrup that only had DXM+guaifeneson so I could robotrip during the weekend. A regular thing my grandpa would do is come stand behind me at my computer and explain to me how my sister was a druggy slut and how loose she was with her body, how my mom was awful, and he'd just have this furious tone about how I'm related to awful people.
Another thing was him and my dad were both regularly scolding me for being fat. Once they sat me down and my dad had this breakdown about how my mom was this fat bitch who ruined him and how I'm spoiled. He poured this soupy spoiled salad mix onto a plate and made me eat it, telling me how I had to eat healthy from then on. I ended up losing my weight in early adulthood and still haven't gained it back 11 years later.
The night I had real penetrative sex for the first time I explicitly told the guy no 6 times and got dicked anyway. I remember the next day I just sat in the shower and felt this dirty unclean feeling like I couldn't wash the filth from underneath my skin, then quit caring the same day. I feel like I don't care much about this incident though, I don't care if it was rape or not. It's weird because I will always take it very seriously if someone says something like that happened to them, but with this event I just feel so "meh" about it and don't feel bothered by it.
Then I was 21 years old and posting on a message board. I talked a little bit about the feel ups and how I was confused about them, and someone said "you got molested mate, people don't touch someone like that without it being sexual". I'm not sure how to feel sometimes. I read stories here on SS that make my life feel like a cakewalk. Watching that documentary "Escape from the house of hell" really made me feel privileged. I think with everything that has happened I'm just grateful to be an old person with a somewhat ordinary life right now. I'm still an unstable fuck up but I feel like I have it together okay. I don't know how it effects me but I feel very attracted to violation and coercion. I don't think of myself as having a high sex drive but I basically have 10 times higher sex drive than my girlfriend right now. I'm fine with not having sex though, honestly I wouldn't care if she was asexual at this point.
I guess the main thing is old nearly 30 year old me doesn't really get fucked with by people anymore. I have thin skin and get incredibly upset in any confrontation, but I stopped letting myself be a victim since 2018. Like I'm just so tired and done with not having agency and a spine, it's exhausting. I feel like life started in 2019 when I moved to a new place and started over. Everything before that is just foggy nothingness.
Sorry for blogging so much. I've just felt funny and scatterbrained lately. I wish I said something to averagefanenjoyer/the hated one before they left, I really did not see it coming. It hurt seeing their name crossed out today. I think I'm going to take a break from posting threads for a while.
The weirdest thing is that my parents never talked to me about touching. When I was like 11 or 12 my grandpa moved in with my dad and was very touchy feely with me in a way that felt wrong. He would do this shoulder massage thing to me and always put his hand on my thighs. He squeezed them and jiggled them a lot. That isn't explicitly sexual but it felt wrong. We didn't verbally communicate about it at all. I would remove his hand, then he'd immediately move it back and ignore my discomfort with it.
In late middle school it shifted from thighs to just doing whatever. He got me up for school each morning but before speaking he would play with my body. He'd squeeze my ass and lightly slap it, spread it apart, put two fingers underneath a cheek and make it jiggle. I just came to accept being felt up and played with and touched wherever. I don't know what I was doing but I just would sit in silence with him and allow him to do whatever he wanted with my body, it happened almost every morning I went to school. Then my junior year of high school I attacked him during this ritual and we never did it again. We never talked about it. I actually have no clue what years this occurred anymore, I just know it was early puberty to 17 years old.
I basically lived on my computer when I wasn't at school. I played a troll holy priest and restoration shaman in world of warcraft until the cataclysm expansion. My browsing history evolved from gamefaqs to 4chan to 420chan. My grandpa bought me cigarettes and I bought weed from a kid at school with food money. Sometimes when I had a cold I'd ask for mucinex DM pills or a specific kind of cough syrup that only had DXM+guaifeneson so I could robotrip during the weekend. A regular thing my grandpa would do is come stand behind me at my computer and explain to me how my sister was a druggy slut and how loose she was with her body, how my mom was awful, and he'd just have this furious tone about how I'm related to awful people.
Another thing was him and my dad were both regularly scolding me for being fat. Once they sat me down and my dad had this breakdown about how my mom was this fat bitch who ruined him and how I'm spoiled. He poured this soupy spoiled salad mix onto a plate and made me eat it, telling me how I had to eat healthy from then on. I ended up losing my weight in early adulthood and still haven't gained it back 11 years later.
The night I had real penetrative sex for the first time I explicitly told the guy no 6 times and got dicked anyway. I remember the next day I just sat in the shower and felt this dirty unclean feeling like I couldn't wash the filth from underneath my skin, then quit caring the same day. I feel like I don't care much about this incident though, I don't care if it was rape or not. It's weird because I will always take it very seriously if someone says something like that happened to them, but with this event I just feel so "meh" about it and don't feel bothered by it.
Then I was 21 years old and posting on a message board. I talked a little bit about the feel ups and how I was confused about them, and someone said "you got molested mate, people don't touch someone like that without it being sexual". I'm not sure how to feel sometimes. I read stories here on SS that make my life feel like a cakewalk. Watching that documentary "Escape from the house of hell" really made me feel privileged. I think with everything that has happened I'm just grateful to be an old person with a somewhat ordinary life right now. I'm still an unstable fuck up but I feel like I have it together okay. I don't know how it effects me but I feel very attracted to violation and coercion. I don't think of myself as having a high sex drive but I basically have 10 times higher sex drive than my girlfriend right now. I'm fine with not having sex though, honestly I wouldn't care if she was asexual at this point.
I guess the main thing is old nearly 30 year old me doesn't really get fucked with by people anymore. I have thin skin and get incredibly upset in any confrontation, but I stopped letting myself be a victim since 2018. Like I'm just so tired and done with not having agency and a spine, it's exhausting. I feel like life started in 2019 when I moved to a new place and started over. Everything before that is just foggy nothingness.
Sorry for blogging so much. I've just felt funny and scatterbrained lately. I wish I said something to averagefanenjoyer/the hated one before they left, I really did not see it coming. It hurt seeing their name crossed out today. I think I'm going to take a break from posting threads for a while.
