KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,740
I accidentally had caps lock on but I think I will leave the title as so because it perfectly encapsulates how DONE I feel.
It's all the same things I've complained about a million times before, but somehow life always manages to get worse. It always does, for me. Fundamentally I think I am not cut out for life and it's trials, which seem to be innumerable and never ending. I am at the point where one of the few things that can help calm me enough to sleep is the thought of booking a hotel on the fly and going to ctb. Finally being free of all of this.
I have had the salt for awhile now, so I do worry about it expiring and feeling as if I have a sort of "time limit" as the clock is ticking towards the stable shelf date. Of course, it may last longer as I haven't opened the container, but I don't want to take chances until I am ready to test the product and imminently go within the day. It would be a fitting time to go, considering I gave myself several years for things to improve since I obtained SN and they have in fact nose dived in the complete opposite direction.
I feel way past my own expiry date, as well. There are only so many times you can fail and struggle before enough is enough. Some setbacks can be springboards to push forward and fight harder, but there are only so many times you can push before your body's ability to do so disintegrates completely. And mine is long gone.
Soon, it's going to be 8 years since I started experiencing chronic fatigue and illness. At this point, I cannot even remember what life was like before having these problems, it feels like a distant dream that I will never experience again in my life. I know at this point there is going to be no relief until the day I am dead. My life was ruined at 17 years old, and granted the gears were turning long before that for everything to combust and fall apart, but there was a point of no return.
People mean well, when they think it's all temporary and that I will miraculously make an improvement despite some of my symptoms being here for nearly a decade now. They don't realize there are things outside the scope of current medical science. That I can have just about every blood tests under the sun and it shows nothing - no anemia, no glaring deficiencies, no overactive or under-active immune system, no definitive antibodies for any disease, no arthritis, no inflammation in the blood, no thyroid issues, nothing. The only thing that's ever showed up in any kind of test for me was a random autoimmune marker that didn't appear again after further testing. So doctors shrug their shoulders.
People don't understand that an MRI of the brain could show no obvious pathology (because you'd have to have severe degeneration from a stroke, blunt injury, or advanced neurodegenerative disease for anything TO show up) but still experience dehabilitating symptoms every single day. People don't listen to me when I tell them I've tried over 20 different medications, and supplements, and hallucinogenic drugs, and experimenting with diet and exercise changes and absolutely nothing has worked or improved things. I will still always be treated like I didn't try hard enough or that whatever is effecting me is not real. I'm done.
Even when I had multiple tumors removed from my abdomen and reproductive organs which had completely blocked my colon and ability to use the bathroom for months without enemas and stimulant laxatives, that left scar tissue on my insides, people act like it is my fault I still have IBS and it would get better if I simply ate x super food or took an expensive supplement. My appetite is so poor and my stomach constantly growls and makes it hard to go outside without embarrassment, on top of frequently getting constipated again, but other people will tell me this is due to "depression" and completely misunderstand the problem.
Several years ago my spine started degenerating at the ripe old age of 22, and caused me to develop permanent sciatica down one leg and foot. Fortunately now it is not really painful but it is permanently there and uncomfortable. Despite the fact that I've been having numb, heavy and aching legs for years, and yet still manage to frequently take long walks despite how difficult it is to move my body, the wonderful NHS after looking at the scans I had to pay privately for, tried to say my issues with my spine are due to me not wanting to exercise and I was referred to physiotherapy which was completely useless. If I stand too long or walk too long or even wear the wrong shoes and have to put more pressure on my back, I get horrible pain in the center of my spine that only dulls after resting in bed for hours. But yes I am so lazy and don't need pain relief.
This does not even scratch the surface of my problems, but the complete gaslighting and disbelief from others who are supposed to be helping or supportive has really driven the nail in the coffin. There are very obvious declines in my health and functioning that others are in full blown denial of and don't take seriously. For example, after developing chronic fatigue and brainfog, my IQ dropped significantly when I tested it again. Comparing my ability to write now to how it was years ago is like night and day.
My memory has significantly declined, and I got hit smack on by another car while driving around christmas time because I can't ever see or pay attention properly (am constantly out of it with blurred, unfocused vision which, story of my life, when I visited an optician said we dont know why and ignored my complaints) which totalled my car and gave me worse PTSD. Of course, my grandmother and her friends think I am being dramatic, that accidents are part of life, and that I am not culpable in it when I clearly am and the accident was classified as my own fault.
The fact that people either don't take my health problems seriously or think I need to be locked away in a house rotting like a porcelain doll and could still enjoy existing is a major reason why I want to be gone. I'm long past the stage of, being able to be happy with rotting in bed because I have done this for years and I cannot stand it. Everyone thinks they know what's best for you but I doubt they would know how to cope in such a situation.
Being able to work and be productive is a way that I coped with being autistic and having a horrible childhood that left me with complicated PTSD. Whenever I did get to be around kind people and to do a job well done, or contribute something, is when I have felt the best in life. But especially over the past year, I have deteriorated a lot, my fatigue has sabotaged my academic career and my ability to hold anything more than part time menial admin work which my performance has declined in. It's not enough to survive. People see how pallor and awful I look and think I am simply not getting enough sleep when the reality is my body is DAMAGED and no one will acknowledge it because I'm "only 24".
I have to hide so much of my life from anyone I ever interacted with in the real world because they would just not get it, it would make them uncomfortable. I've seen more shit in 24 years than some people would see in an entire lifetime, and I'm forever going to be bitter about missing out on the chance of a normal life. Especially when I was told before that it would be fantastic if I was able to "make something out of myself" despite my horrific childhood, and yet others who say they care about me want me to be perfectly fine with rotting away and glued to the computer doomscrolling, and accepting my life is over??
I've had PTSD since I was 5 years old and suffered sexual abuse multiple times throughout my life. My family was ashamed of me for being autistic and weird, and there were many times in my life where I was neglected, family members were alcoholics or beat the shit out of each other. Even when I lived with a foster family that took me in as a teenager, most days I starved and became really thin and unhealthy, started using drugs (weed and occasionally drink) to cope, got groomed by older men, and completely ruined myself working beyond my limit in low paying retail and food jobs to survive until I became an adult. And what do I have to show for that? I am a lonely, damaged adult with no family to support me, no quality relationships, and no future because of my chronic illnesses.
I have spent years and years trying to get help with PTSD and it simply just does not exist for complex cases like mine. There have been multiple times where I was told honestly that they did not know what to do and would refer me somewhere else where the therapist or clinician did not know what to do, rinse and repeat. I spent many years in the psychiatric system as a child, where no one ever tried to solve the issues actually causing me to deteriorate in the first place, but instead threw drugs at me which made me worse and induced my first suicidal thoughts and self harm urges as a young teenager.
There are some things that have traumatized me which have become slightly more palletable over time, for example abusive relationships where my ex threatened me and made porn of me when I was only 18 years old, then shared this online with his mates, constantly degraded me and put me down, eventually slapped me... I don't have to fear that anymore as I am now an entire ocean away from him.
But the maltreatment and lack of empathy I have faced from those in the medical profession has ruined my entire life. From when I was forcibly stripped as a 5 year old by a doctor and had something which I believe to be sexual happen, to when another doctor touched me innapropriately and laughed about it, being physically beaten by my family as a child for being afraid of doctors after I was traumatized, to every other shitty doctor who has tried to force me to do things without my consent or tell me I need to be forced to accept penetration... THESE GHOULS HAVE RUINED MY LIFE. No one takes PTSD seriously when it is caused by medical staff, no one. My sexuality is permanently tainted and warped by horrible non con and medical fantasies imparted on me by doctors sexually abusing me when I was so young. Can anyone fathom how HORRIBLE this is, that this is forever going to be how I have to experience intimacy?
So I have suffered years of poor health, dealing with a system that triggers me and leaves me in fight or flight mode, and then years of useless treatments which left me in worse shape, even threats of being sectioned and forcing drugged as my partner's relative thought it would cure my PTSD and my entire problem is I am "resistant" and not that nothing which I have tried works. Medical staff are not compassionate about my trauma and don't give a shit if they make things worse for me as long as they get paid and avoid liability. Therapy actually ruined me worse especially my confidence and self esteem as it taught me that I must constantly try to mask and act like a normal, neurotypical person and that wellness is being able to hide pain or mask it when you did experience it. Needless to say, I am beyond broken and done with this world, and I can't go on.
I kept delaying ctb as long as I could, but I think within the next couple months it is time. I have already had to give up so many of my dreams and I cannot bear to keep existing in a state where I spend the majority of my time in bed staring at walls rather than actually living. Or if I am outside, wondering if I will be able to make it up the next street, because my legs are so heavy. I walk like a zombie. Life is already hard enough as an autistic woman who has no "special talent" and is so visibly autistic that people pick up on it first thing and avoid you, but the constellation of other issues is the cherry on top of that and I am simply not fit for life.
One of the hardest things about making this decision for myself is that there are things in life I did enjoy but this immense decline in functioning and the pain I experience physically and mentally is not worth it. I have had the opportunity to travel to Asia before and used to love learning languages, and dreamed about going back to japan to study in a language school as I had obtained intermediate proficiency, only to make a fool out of myself now as I can barely physically speak in my native language of English without forgetting words, doing huge pauses, stumbling and not making sense.
I wanted to be a researcher and yet am almost failing my master's, I can't attend most of my modules as I can often sleep for 12 hours a day, am completely out of it when I do go, and have classmates that make fun of me and ostracize me for being disabled. The dream is dead.
Over the past several months I made a very dear friend online too who cares a lot about me and has been one of the few people I ever met on this earth who is fully understanding about my PTSD, albeit I don't think they grasp the extent of my physical impairments and seem to think like most people, that I could simply rest and get better or there's improvement on the horizon. I've spent entire months doing nothing and focusing entirely on having no stress and trying to become well, and it made no difference because whatever happened to my body is something physically out of my control and akin to full blown CFS which has no treatment or cure.
My friend tries to motivate me constantly and I believe thinks it is a matter of motivation and that I am capable, as many do, but people don't realize I can sit in front of a computer for hours and still be unable to write anything because my mind is not here and I cannot will myself to get these cognitive functions to work. It's not a matter of low self esteem. My friend thinks if I moved to go live with them and had support I would be happy and able to keep going, but I am completely unhappy being locked away indoors especially as isolation and not being allowed to go outside or have a life was a huge component of my childhood. No one knows how badly I want to be able to study and work, and how I would be completely devastated being an impoverished NEET.
I know my friend and maybe a couple others I speak to sparsely online will feel devastated when I do it, but this half life is really not a life at all. I am not cut out for life, I never have been. The best way I can describe how I exist in the day to day is an impenetrable fortress of blurred vision (similar to how you'd feel being stoned but without the happiness/high) and slowness, with burning, heavy limbs and a permanent sense of tiredness that penetrates to your very core. Many have tried to tell me that I am just depressed and not trying hard enough to find meaning in life, but when I was depressed I never had to feel like my body wouldn't carry me home or that I would be so out of it and brainfogged I'd get hit by a car again.
But problems like mine are so niche that they'll never be studied or cared about. I am certain that when I am finally gone it will be attributed to some vague concept of "mental health troubles" or insistence that I didn't seek help enough, when there is absolutely no help for what I'm going through. There are already many others like me who have died due to the burden of living with chronic fatigue and no one took them seriously either. Just another statistic. At the end of the day I am too weak to keep going and am not cut out for this life, I can't be the motivational sob story people want anymore. Even if I were cured tomorrow there are horrible things I cannot change about my life like having no loved ones or proper support network that make life unbearable for me. I cannot have children even if I wanted to.
Thinking I will go to the seaside in late April or may rent a nice hotel overlooking the ocean and finally put an end to all of this. Cheers.
It's all the same things I've complained about a million times before, but somehow life always manages to get worse. It always does, for me. Fundamentally I think I am not cut out for life and it's trials, which seem to be innumerable and never ending. I am at the point where one of the few things that can help calm me enough to sleep is the thought of booking a hotel on the fly and going to ctb. Finally being free of all of this.
I have had the salt for awhile now, so I do worry about it expiring and feeling as if I have a sort of "time limit" as the clock is ticking towards the stable shelf date. Of course, it may last longer as I haven't opened the container, but I don't want to take chances until I am ready to test the product and imminently go within the day. It would be a fitting time to go, considering I gave myself several years for things to improve since I obtained SN and they have in fact nose dived in the complete opposite direction.
I feel way past my own expiry date, as well. There are only so many times you can fail and struggle before enough is enough. Some setbacks can be springboards to push forward and fight harder, but there are only so many times you can push before your body's ability to do so disintegrates completely. And mine is long gone.
Soon, it's going to be 8 years since I started experiencing chronic fatigue and illness. At this point, I cannot even remember what life was like before having these problems, it feels like a distant dream that I will never experience again in my life. I know at this point there is going to be no relief until the day I am dead. My life was ruined at 17 years old, and granted the gears were turning long before that for everything to combust and fall apart, but there was a point of no return.
People mean well, when they think it's all temporary and that I will miraculously make an improvement despite some of my symptoms being here for nearly a decade now. They don't realize there are things outside the scope of current medical science. That I can have just about every blood tests under the sun and it shows nothing - no anemia, no glaring deficiencies, no overactive or under-active immune system, no definitive antibodies for any disease, no arthritis, no inflammation in the blood, no thyroid issues, nothing. The only thing that's ever showed up in any kind of test for me was a random autoimmune marker that didn't appear again after further testing. So doctors shrug their shoulders.
People don't understand that an MRI of the brain could show no obvious pathology (because you'd have to have severe degeneration from a stroke, blunt injury, or advanced neurodegenerative disease for anything TO show up) but still experience dehabilitating symptoms every single day. People don't listen to me when I tell them I've tried over 20 different medications, and supplements, and hallucinogenic drugs, and experimenting with diet and exercise changes and absolutely nothing has worked or improved things. I will still always be treated like I didn't try hard enough or that whatever is effecting me is not real. I'm done.
Even when I had multiple tumors removed from my abdomen and reproductive organs which had completely blocked my colon and ability to use the bathroom for months without enemas and stimulant laxatives, that left scar tissue on my insides, people act like it is my fault I still have IBS and it would get better if I simply ate x super food or took an expensive supplement. My appetite is so poor and my stomach constantly growls and makes it hard to go outside without embarrassment, on top of frequently getting constipated again, but other people will tell me this is due to "depression" and completely misunderstand the problem.
Several years ago my spine started degenerating at the ripe old age of 22, and caused me to develop permanent sciatica down one leg and foot. Fortunately now it is not really painful but it is permanently there and uncomfortable. Despite the fact that I've been having numb, heavy and aching legs for years, and yet still manage to frequently take long walks despite how difficult it is to move my body, the wonderful NHS after looking at the scans I had to pay privately for, tried to say my issues with my spine are due to me not wanting to exercise and I was referred to physiotherapy which was completely useless. If I stand too long or walk too long or even wear the wrong shoes and have to put more pressure on my back, I get horrible pain in the center of my spine that only dulls after resting in bed for hours. But yes I am so lazy and don't need pain relief.
This does not even scratch the surface of my problems, but the complete gaslighting and disbelief from others who are supposed to be helping or supportive has really driven the nail in the coffin. There are very obvious declines in my health and functioning that others are in full blown denial of and don't take seriously. For example, after developing chronic fatigue and brainfog, my IQ dropped significantly when I tested it again. Comparing my ability to write now to how it was years ago is like night and day.
My memory has significantly declined, and I got hit smack on by another car while driving around christmas time because I can't ever see or pay attention properly (am constantly out of it with blurred, unfocused vision which, story of my life, when I visited an optician said we dont know why and ignored my complaints) which totalled my car and gave me worse PTSD. Of course, my grandmother and her friends think I am being dramatic, that accidents are part of life, and that I am not culpable in it when I clearly am and the accident was classified as my own fault.
The fact that people either don't take my health problems seriously or think I need to be locked away in a house rotting like a porcelain doll and could still enjoy existing is a major reason why I want to be gone. I'm long past the stage of, being able to be happy with rotting in bed because I have done this for years and I cannot stand it. Everyone thinks they know what's best for you but I doubt they would know how to cope in such a situation.
Being able to work and be productive is a way that I coped with being autistic and having a horrible childhood that left me with complicated PTSD. Whenever I did get to be around kind people and to do a job well done, or contribute something, is when I have felt the best in life. But especially over the past year, I have deteriorated a lot, my fatigue has sabotaged my academic career and my ability to hold anything more than part time menial admin work which my performance has declined in. It's not enough to survive. People see how pallor and awful I look and think I am simply not getting enough sleep when the reality is my body is DAMAGED and no one will acknowledge it because I'm "only 24".
I have to hide so much of my life from anyone I ever interacted with in the real world because they would just not get it, it would make them uncomfortable. I've seen more shit in 24 years than some people would see in an entire lifetime, and I'm forever going to be bitter about missing out on the chance of a normal life. Especially when I was told before that it would be fantastic if I was able to "make something out of myself" despite my horrific childhood, and yet others who say they care about me want me to be perfectly fine with rotting away and glued to the computer doomscrolling, and accepting my life is over??
I've had PTSD since I was 5 years old and suffered sexual abuse multiple times throughout my life. My family was ashamed of me for being autistic and weird, and there were many times in my life where I was neglected, family members were alcoholics or beat the shit out of each other. Even when I lived with a foster family that took me in as a teenager, most days I starved and became really thin and unhealthy, started using drugs (weed and occasionally drink) to cope, got groomed by older men, and completely ruined myself working beyond my limit in low paying retail and food jobs to survive until I became an adult. And what do I have to show for that? I am a lonely, damaged adult with no family to support me, no quality relationships, and no future because of my chronic illnesses.
I have spent years and years trying to get help with PTSD and it simply just does not exist for complex cases like mine. There have been multiple times where I was told honestly that they did not know what to do and would refer me somewhere else where the therapist or clinician did not know what to do, rinse and repeat. I spent many years in the psychiatric system as a child, where no one ever tried to solve the issues actually causing me to deteriorate in the first place, but instead threw drugs at me which made me worse and induced my first suicidal thoughts and self harm urges as a young teenager.
There are some things that have traumatized me which have become slightly more palletable over time, for example abusive relationships where my ex threatened me and made porn of me when I was only 18 years old, then shared this online with his mates, constantly degraded me and put me down, eventually slapped me... I don't have to fear that anymore as I am now an entire ocean away from him.
But the maltreatment and lack of empathy I have faced from those in the medical profession has ruined my entire life. From when I was forcibly stripped as a 5 year old by a doctor and had something which I believe to be sexual happen, to when another doctor touched me innapropriately and laughed about it, being physically beaten by my family as a child for being afraid of doctors after I was traumatized, to every other shitty doctor who has tried to force me to do things without my consent or tell me I need to be forced to accept penetration... THESE GHOULS HAVE RUINED MY LIFE. No one takes PTSD seriously when it is caused by medical staff, no one. My sexuality is permanently tainted and warped by horrible non con and medical fantasies imparted on me by doctors sexually abusing me when I was so young. Can anyone fathom how HORRIBLE this is, that this is forever going to be how I have to experience intimacy?
So I have suffered years of poor health, dealing with a system that triggers me and leaves me in fight or flight mode, and then years of useless treatments which left me in worse shape, even threats of being sectioned and forcing drugged as my partner's relative thought it would cure my PTSD and my entire problem is I am "resistant" and not that nothing which I have tried works. Medical staff are not compassionate about my trauma and don't give a shit if they make things worse for me as long as they get paid and avoid liability. Therapy actually ruined me worse especially my confidence and self esteem as it taught me that I must constantly try to mask and act like a normal, neurotypical person and that wellness is being able to hide pain or mask it when you did experience it. Needless to say, I am beyond broken and done with this world, and I can't go on.
I kept delaying ctb as long as I could, but I think within the next couple months it is time. I have already had to give up so many of my dreams and I cannot bear to keep existing in a state where I spend the majority of my time in bed staring at walls rather than actually living. Or if I am outside, wondering if I will be able to make it up the next street, because my legs are so heavy. I walk like a zombie. Life is already hard enough as an autistic woman who has no "special talent" and is so visibly autistic that people pick up on it first thing and avoid you, but the constellation of other issues is the cherry on top of that and I am simply not fit for life.
One of the hardest things about making this decision for myself is that there are things in life I did enjoy but this immense decline in functioning and the pain I experience physically and mentally is not worth it. I have had the opportunity to travel to Asia before and used to love learning languages, and dreamed about going back to japan to study in a language school as I had obtained intermediate proficiency, only to make a fool out of myself now as I can barely physically speak in my native language of English without forgetting words, doing huge pauses, stumbling and not making sense.
I wanted to be a researcher and yet am almost failing my master's, I can't attend most of my modules as I can often sleep for 12 hours a day, am completely out of it when I do go, and have classmates that make fun of me and ostracize me for being disabled. The dream is dead.
Over the past several months I made a very dear friend online too who cares a lot about me and has been one of the few people I ever met on this earth who is fully understanding about my PTSD, albeit I don't think they grasp the extent of my physical impairments and seem to think like most people, that I could simply rest and get better or there's improvement on the horizon. I've spent entire months doing nothing and focusing entirely on having no stress and trying to become well, and it made no difference because whatever happened to my body is something physically out of my control and akin to full blown CFS which has no treatment or cure.
My friend tries to motivate me constantly and I believe thinks it is a matter of motivation and that I am capable, as many do, but people don't realize I can sit in front of a computer for hours and still be unable to write anything because my mind is not here and I cannot will myself to get these cognitive functions to work. It's not a matter of low self esteem. My friend thinks if I moved to go live with them and had support I would be happy and able to keep going, but I am completely unhappy being locked away indoors especially as isolation and not being allowed to go outside or have a life was a huge component of my childhood. No one knows how badly I want to be able to study and work, and how I would be completely devastated being an impoverished NEET.
I know my friend and maybe a couple others I speak to sparsely online will feel devastated when I do it, but this half life is really not a life at all. I am not cut out for life, I never have been. The best way I can describe how I exist in the day to day is an impenetrable fortress of blurred vision (similar to how you'd feel being stoned but without the happiness/high) and slowness, with burning, heavy limbs and a permanent sense of tiredness that penetrates to your very core. Many have tried to tell me that I am just depressed and not trying hard enough to find meaning in life, but when I was depressed I never had to feel like my body wouldn't carry me home or that I would be so out of it and brainfogged I'd get hit by a car again.
But problems like mine are so niche that they'll never be studied or cared about. I am certain that when I am finally gone it will be attributed to some vague concept of "mental health troubles" or insistence that I didn't seek help enough, when there is absolutely no help for what I'm going through. There are already many others like me who have died due to the burden of living with chronic fatigue and no one took them seriously either. Just another statistic. At the end of the day I am too weak to keep going and am not cut out for this life, I can't be the motivational sob story people want anymore. Even if I were cured tomorrow there are horrible things I cannot change about my life like having no loved ones or proper support network that make life unbearable for me. I cannot have children even if I wanted to.
Thinking I will go to the seaside in late April or may rent a nice hotel overlooking the ocean and finally put an end to all of this. Cheers.
