Yes, I'm also always wanting to cease existing, I'm always thinking about how death brings peace from all the suffering existing causes. I've only ever found comfort in death, I'd always prefer to sleep eternally rather than suffer for decades just to be tormented dying in agony from old age. All that I wish for is non-existence, death truly is the only relief for me, I certainly envy those who no longer exist, to me they are the true and only fortunate ones.