Nonsense post. I just want to go away

[pogostick]

There isn't much to say, I'm just exhausted. Nothing seems to be getting better. I was dragging my feet through life and now I feel as through I'm dragging my entire body.
I've been trying to keep up with my video diary, but I've been so exhausted. I've been sleeping all day every day.
Art feels pointless and uninspiring. I've stopped attending uni and doing my work because there is no point if I'm going to die soon anyway. I'm supposed to be going to London on November 14th, so I will die before then.

I don't know what the point of this post is, I'm just upset and drained. I have never felt this depressed in my life. Art used to keep me alive. When I thought about CTB, I used to cry over never being able to create art again- now I just don't care. I just wasn't made for life in any way, shape or form. I should've hung myself back when I was 13. I've opened up to my friends about being suicidal, some in great detail, and nothing is different. I have done everything I'm supposed to.

I'm sure my decision will devastate my mum, but I can't live for 60 more years to preserve her feelings, eventhough I love her. She is my soulmate, in a way. She was MEANT to be my mum, and I was meant to be her baby. I know in another life that she will come to me in another form. She has made jokes about suicide since becoming disabled in January and I can only hope that she doesn't follow in my footsteps. She brings so much good into this world. She has helped so many people. I love my family.

 

[NutOrat]

No, it's not nonsense. What you say is real, I feel it too.

When I look back at when I truly lost all my will to live, it was around the same time I stopped making art. And the thing is: I don't know which came first. Also, it's never an immediate thing, for me I started doing art less and less often, slower, I hated it more and more, it felt like a burden. And the less art I created, the more I was convinced that I will never catch up, I will never make up for the time lost. My art started being more repetitive, eventually fixating on one hyper specific thing that was the only thing I could draw. And then, of course, I got fed up. And that was it.

I'm sure my decision will devastate my mum, but I can't live for 60 more years to preserve her feelings, eventhough I love her. She is my soulmate, in a way. She was MEANT to be my mum, and I was meant to be her baby. I know in another life that she will come to me in another form. She has made jokes about suicide since becoming disabled in January and I can only hope that she doesn't follow in my footsteps. She brings so much good into this world. She has helped so many people. I love my family.

That hurts so much, doesn't it? You're glad they're your family, but also it binds you to stay here, because you don't want to hurt them. But the longer I stay, the more time I have to hurt them, and the worse it's going to hit once I do go. I hate it. I hate that we're made to be capable of so much love. Why do they love me? Why do I love them? I hate it.

 

[pogostick]

No, it's not nonsense. What you say is real, I feel it too.

When I look back at when I truly lost all my will to live, it was around the same time I stopped making art. And the thing is: I don't know which came first. Also, it's never an immediate thing, for me I started doing art less and less often, slower, I hated it more and more, it felt like a burden. And the less art I created, the more I was convinced that I will never catch up, I will never make up for the time lost. My art started being more repetitive, eventually fixating on one hyper specific thing that was the only thing I could draw. And then, of course, I got fed up. And that was it.



That hurts so much, doesn't it? You're glad they're your family, but also it binds you to stay here, because you don't want to hurt them. But the longer I stay, the more time I have to hurt them, and the worse it's going to hit once I do go. I hate it. I hate that we're made to be capable of so much love. Why do they love me? Why do I love them? I hate it.

Exactly. Stopping making art and then feeling like you can't catch up. Honestly, even just the thought of having to learn and develop and practice out of the context of 'being behind' makes me tired.
I'm not really sure why I've become disconnected from art. I stopped doing it so much when I decided I was going to die, but I think the true lack of connection came from realising that loving art isn't enough to keep me alive like I once believed it was. Ontop of realising that I'm just not built for the industry.

Yes. In a way, I wish they didn't love me, it would make things so much easier. But I can't live just to keep the people around me happy. That will never work and things will only get worse. I'm really sorry that you're struggling with similar things.
What's keeping you alive at the minute? If more than just procrastination or lack of resources.

 

[AZRAEL600]

Exactly. Stopping making art and then feeling like you can't catch up. Honestly, even just the thought of having to learn and develop and practice out of the context of 'being behind' makes me tired.
I'm not really sure why I've become disconnected from art. I stopped doing it so much when I decided I was going to die, but I think the true lack of connection came from realising that loving art isn't enough to keep me alive like I once believed it was. Ontop of realising that I'm just not built for the industry.

Yes. In a way, I wish they didn't love me, it would make things so much easier. But I can't live just to keep the people around me happy. That will never work and things will only get worse. I'm really sorry that you're struggling with similar things.
What's keeping you alive at the minute? If more than just procrastination or lack of resources.

I am a writer I also feel that what I do is useless. I can't seem to make money out of it so I have stopped worrying about making money or feeling guilty about procrastination. Writing is what is keeping me alive. It is the only thing even if it does not make money. But I don't know how much longer I can keep it up...

 

[NutOrat]

Exactly. Stopping making art and then feeling like you can't catch up. Honestly, even just the thought of having to learn and develop and practice out of the context of 'being behind' makes me tired.
I'm not really sure why I've become disconnected from art. I stopped doing it so much when I decided I was going to die, but I think the true lack of connection came from realising that loving art isn't enough to keep me alive like I once believed it was. Ontop of realising that I'm just not built for the industry.

Yes. In a way, I wish they didn't love me, it would make things so much easier. But I can't live just to keep the people around me happy. That will never work and things will only get worse. I'm really sorry that you're struggling with similar things.
What's keeping you alive at the minute? If more than just procrastination or lack of resources.

Well, aside from family, lack of resources, lazyness and all that, I guess, wanting to see a new VOD from my favorite streamer. Wanting to keep playing my favorite games. Waiting for news of Outward 2's development, though I doubt I'll stay here for its release.

Also, I remember someone saying this on SaSu, I don't remember who, it's a small thing, but it's looking forward to log on here and see the red notifications over the bell icon. Seriously, it's what I was thinking of as I woke up today, I wanted to see if someone answered me. Even if it's just reactions, it feels so nice. I know it's all external validation and it's not healthy yadda yadda... but for the time being, it works. part of me wanted to get out of bed, if only for that. So thank you.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can relate to this. Art was my coping mechanism from childhood up. I suppose I'm grateful it did do such a good job for so long. I'm 45 now. But, the last 3 years ish, it's lost it's appeal. I do still care about doing a good enough job- and it is my job so- that's kind of important. But, the spark has gone. It's feeling more like a chore now.

I always think creative people are blessed and cursed in equal measure. It can be a wonderful thing to have. The desire to create. The motivation to plough all your time and effort into improving your skills. I think it can give us a terrific sense of purpose in life.

On the other hand, it's so difficult to find and sustain a career in it. It can be agonising to not be as good as you want to be. Plus, if you lose it, it's such a core part of us, it can feel like we've been cut adrift.

I do really relate though. I used to get so enthusiatic about future projects I might get the chance to be involved in. I'll even test myself sometimes. Ask myself- if a similar project came up, like one I loved in the past- how would I feel? And, reallly- I'd just feel tired and somewhat reluctant now. It would be better than having no work. It would still be better than other jobs but ultimately, I just don't have the same drive. Which in itself is worrying- this isn't an easy job to do with no drive/ motivation because it requires so much.

I think that goes for life in general and I suppose that's the vicious cycle we find ourselves in. Life requires so much effort. When we don't have the energy to put that effort in, it's all just slog or- we let stuff go- which increases the workload we have to go back to.