Venting Nobody wants someone to go

[Lilythefenfen]

Lemme begin with saying this isn't an anti-suicide thread. But just conversations I've had with people who know I struggle with suicidal ideation.


Nobody wants me to go. I'm content with being a memory in their lives, but they say they don't want me to go. "Seek help, please."

I've tried. I've tried the trans lifeline. I've tried the suicide hotline.


Nothing makes me feel better about anything.


I didn't have the heart to tell the trans lifeline that I fully plan on moving forward with my plan. It would have broken their heart. It would have hurt them.


I've never been one to hurt people. Even the ones who hurt me. I hate causing pain in the world because it already has too much pain in this world.


Guess I should just cry my eyes out and wait for the day for my body to move on itself and enact my suicide.


My dad is taking me to see papa roach tomorrow. It's going to shatter him when I'm gone.



All I can say really anymore is I'm so sorry mom, I'm so sorry dad. Please help each other when the time comes. This was not your faults. It was all mine. Lars hurt me badly, more than you could ever know. And I love you both so much. I love ALL of you. Even you, stranger, the person reading this. You're loved.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Nobody wants me to go.

This is natural human behavior! We fear grief and loss and it's against nature to accept someone leaving early on their own terms - those are kinda instincts!

I'm so sorry you have to go through this but I would say be assured that if their lives are in order they will eventually understand your decision to end your suffering and that there was no other way and it's not their fault. Humans can get over grief about loss if their lives are in order they just don't understand that some lives and living circumstances are not fixable anymore.

It's not your fault at all - all you obviously want is to be relieved from your suffering.

It's such a difficult situation - someone will ultimately have to suffer one or the other way.

 

[KillingPain267]

I've never been one to hurt people. Even the ones who hurt me. I hate causing pain in the world because it already has too much pain in this world.

Same. I don't get any satisfaction by revenging. I don't want to hurt anyone. But staying here is also just so painful despite all the help I've been given.

 

[Amarnd]

"seek help"
why don't they provide that help?

 

[moonflow3r]

Hotlines never help. And yeah, given we are social animals, nobody wants you to get hurt or die, which sucks when you want the latter.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

your feelings are valid. your pain is valid. and even here, where we anticipate people leaving, it doesn't necessarily get easier. that's biology.

your choices are fully your own, at the end of the day. I know it might feel impossible, but try to stay in the moment re: the show with your dad, and other moments, as they occur. you deserve good things before you go.

the pain ctb causes those around us is something that is worthy of caring about and it shows me you're a compassionate person. that even at your worst, you still care. we're here for you. you don't have to go through these feelings alone. sending love

 

[yxmux]

I didn't have the heart to tell the trans lifeline that I fully plan on moving forward with my plan. It would have broken their heart. It would have hurt them.

i gotta do this

 

[Lilythefenfen]

I saw papa roach today live in concert. It was amazing. Had to almost stop myself from sobbing my eyes out during Leave a Light on.

 

[sobasoup]

well, at least you have accepting parents

 

[Lilythefenfen]

well, at least you have accepting parents

You can say that. As long as I don't bring up the whole trans thing, one of the things killing me.

 

[dontletthembribeyou]

I really admire the love and tenderness with which your post is written. I'm in a similar situation to you and I just find myself resenting the people keeping me alive. It's so deeply unfulfilling to live only to spare other people from grieving you.

 

[pretentioussuika]

Experiences like that seem so much more emotional when you're so set on ending it.

I love your icon, what's it from?

 

[Lilythefenfen]

I love your icon, what's it from?

It's a custom made commission I had made of my fursona.

 

[ceilng_tile]

It's so hard when people love you but they can't give you what you really need.