Nobody really talks about the part where you grieve yourself

[412nadalyk]

I came here to see if anybody else feels like this. I'm not necessarily talking about like grieving the life you could have had, but rather grieving your own death. This part of the process has been really rough for me. We all grieve the life we could have had, or the lives we planned for ourselves, but I'm at the part in the suicide planning process where I'm mourning my own death. It's all I think about all day every day, is the fact that I'm going to be kill myself and will just somehow cease to exist. Like right now, I'm living and existing. But soon, I won't be anything. I always think like "damn, I'm gonna be dead soon. That's tough" and it's crazy because I am 100% sure I want to die but it's also crazy to think that I'll really be dead. One day I'll be here and the next I won't. There will be a grave that nobody will visit. A lot of days I cry just based off the fact that soon I won't exist, but I also rejoice that as well. Idk. It's confusing. I'm happy but sad about my choice to die just because I know this is it and there's no starting over or trying again. I would definitely try life over again if I was guaranteed a better deck of cards and a life that felt worth living. Is anybody else mourning the loss of their own life or is that just a me thing?

 

[UserFromNowhere]

That's where I'm at right now. I don't have any will to live, I'm actively gathering the resources for my death, but it's that matter of "I'll never open my eyes again"—that the world will just continue on, day after day, and I won't even be able to observe it—which keeps nagging at me. There's nothing I'll be able to do, no control, just silence. Eternal, unforgiving silence. I don't cry over it, but humans love to believe we have some semblance of control over the world, some delusion that our mere presence effects things, and death is the full realization and admittance that it doesn't; which is very hard to accept.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I came here to see if anybody else feels like this. I'm not necessarily talking about like grieving the life you could have had, but rather grieving your own death. This part of the process has been really rough for me. We all grieve the life we could have had, or the lives we planned for ourselves, but I'm at the part in the suicide planning process where I'm mourning my own death. It's all I think about all day every day, is the fact that I'm going to be kill myself and will just somehow cease to exist. Like right now, I'm living and existing. But soon, I won't be anything. I always think like "damn, I'm gonna be dead soon. That's tough" and it's crazy because I am 100% sure I want to die but it's also crazy to think that I'll really be dead. One day I'll be here and the next I won't. There will be a grave that nobody will visit. A lot of days I cry just based off the fact that soon I won't exist, but I also rejoice that as well. Idk. It's confusing. I'm happy but sad about my choice to die just because I know this is it and there's no starting over or trying again. I would definitely try life over again if I was guaranteed a better deck of cards and a life that felt worth living. Is anybody else mourning the loss of their own life or is that just a me thing?

No. I grieve the life stolen from me and things I would've been able to do. But in terms in my current state of affairs. There is nothing to grieve over. So no. That said maybe my perspective would change if I was actively looking to CTB. I can't say I am right now.

 

[timechained]

100% this, and the part where I imagine the aftermath of my death - even though I'll be dead and won't actually be around...I never realised how psychologically tormenting CTB would be beyond the physical act.

If I CTB I no longer exist to experience anything, if I don't CTB I suffer in a life I don't want to exist...