Venting Nobody cares if you WANT to kill yourself every single day of your life as long as you don’t ACTUALLY do it.

[IDontKnowWhatToSay]

Even though I wish I was dead every single day of my life, I know I'll probably never commit suicide.

It requires a lot of bravery, and I read that the chances of success are tiny.

The only thing worse than being alive would be to survive a suicide attempt.

There is just too much to plan and consider to make sure it's done right and with the least trauma for the survivors.
Have to think about the method and ensuring that no one will find my body and have to identify me.

Sometimes I think it's not that bad bc I've never actually tried it, but yesterday I realized that, like with everything else in life, I don't event try unless there is guaranteed success.
I honestly think that if I had lived in a super high building or in a house with firearms I wouldn't be alive today.

But none of that matters to others. I will most likely never commit suicide and that's all that's important to the outside world.
No matter I hate every breath I take. No matter I wish I was dead every day. No matter the first thing I do in the morning is cry about the fact that I didn't die in my sleep.

Everyone gets to continue getting from me what they need, everyone gets to continue having me in their lives, so the fact that I literally pray for death every night is irrelevant.

I have never felt so trapped. Before at least I could consider suicide as the last resort if things got too heavy.
Now I realize that is not even an option for me, that I literally cannot escape this hellhole called 'existence'… I just… can't

I don't know how I continue to get up in the morning, or for how long I'll be able to keep doing it.

I'm panicked, there is literally nowhere to run.

 

[logan]

I am sorry for how bad you are feeling.

But the way you describe it, you have to find a way out of this downward spiral.

Since you can't end your life, you have to find another way to not suffer for the rest of your life.

 

[IDontKnowWhatToSay]

I am sorry for how bad you are feeling.

But the way you describe it, you have to find a way out of this downward spiral.

Since you can't end your life, you have to find another way to not suffer for the rest of your life.

I'm trying so hard, but I've never wanted to live, I can't remember a time I actively desires being alive.
So I don't think it's possible for me, I don't even know how that would possibly feel

 

[nobodyspecial]

I'm trying so hard, but I've never wanted to live, I can't remember a time I actively desires being alive.
So I don't think it's possible for me, I don't even know how that would possibly feel

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I find myself in a similar one at the moment, but I definitely haven't been suffering as long as you've described your situation. I hope you're able to somehow find peace with whatever you ultimately end up trying to do.

 

[Reap94]

Listen. People don't g a f what you do. They don't.

 

[IDontKnowWhatToSay]

Listen. People don't g a f what you do. They don't.

They don't as long as it doesn't affect them.
They totally would mind if I did commit suicide, but since they feel pretty safe I won't, it doesn't matter how much I want to.

 

[Reap94]

They don't as long as it doesn't affect them.
They totally would mind if I did commit suicide, but since they feel pretty safe I won't, it doesn't matter how much I want to.

You could've stopped after the first sentence but yeah, people don't care if you live or die.

Whats fascinating to me is that I've realized not only do people not care about that but they do care how badly you die because that can get some people's socks off

 

[Painless_end]

I know how you feel because I feel the same way.

Due to certain mental and coping issues, I have had suicidal ideation for 8 years now.

But I also can't get my hands on any peaceful method. I am tired and want a way out as well.

You are right about people not caring about us expressing our suicidal ideation.

I personally find it better that I keep quiet and go out quietly some day if I can.

I find it too insulting to have to be what I am, and then be forced to express that I want to commit suicide like some weakling as opposed to actually doing it.

No I will either go, or I will stay but I'll never express my suicidal thoughts to anyone. That's just me. Peace.

 

[IDontKnowWhatToSay]

I know how you feel because I feel the same way.

Due to certain mental and coping issues, I have had suicidal ideation for 8 years now.

But I also can't get my hands on any peaceful method. I am tired and want a way out as well.

You are right about people not caring about us expressing our suicidal ideation.

I personally find it better that I keep quiet and go out quietly some day if I can.

I find it too insulting to have to be what I am, and then be forced to express that I want to commit suicide like some weakling as opposed to actually doing it.

No I will either go, or I will stay but I'll never express my suicidal thoughts to anyone. That's just me. Peace.

You do well, it doesn't make a difference at all.
If you say it then they think everything is fine bc you didn't do it in the end.
No one asks if you still want to or anything, out of sight out of mind for everyone involved except for the person that actually has to deal with the thoughts.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

They don't as long as it doesn't affect them.
They totally would mind if I did commit suicide, but since they feel pretty safe I won't, it doesn't matter how much I want to.

You should ask yourself this question: do those individuals who you have mentioned really care about you? If the answer is no then you should not be concerned about if they would mind. You have no obligation to serve those who are not there for you.

 

[IDontKnowWhatToSay]

You should ask yourself this question: do those individuals who you have mentioned really care about you? If the answer is no then you should not be concerned about if they would mind. You have no obligation to serve those who are not there for you.

Thanks for your advice!
They do care actually, a lot.
But they are scared, and they don't have the emotional capacity to process what's happening in my mind.
They have clearly expressed that they just can't deal with it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I can relate, it can be hard to take our own lives, I am worried about failing with consequences, and it does require a lot of planning and there is the survival instinct. It can be like being trapped. I would love to just fall into an eternal sleep. Sorry to hear you are suffering so much. People are naturally selfish, many just care about what directly affects them.

 

[fruit-loops]

Even though I wish I was dead every single day of my life, I know I'll probably never commit suicide.

It requires a lot of bravery, and I read that the chances of success are tiny.

The only thing worse than being alive would be to survive a suicide attempt.

There is just too much to plan and consider to make sure it's done right and with the least trauma for the survivors.
Have to think about the method and ensuring that no one will find my body and have to identify me.

Sometimes I think it's not that bad bc I've never actually tried it, but yesterday I realized that, like with everything else in life, I don't event try unless there is guaranteed success.
I honestly think that if I had lived in a super high building or in a house with firearms I wouldn't be alive today.

But none of that matters to others. I will most likely never commit suicide and that's all that's important to the outside world.
No matter I hate every breath I take. No matter I wish I was dead every day. No matter the first thing I do in the morning is cry about the fact that I didn't die in my sleep.

Everyone gets to continue getting from me what they need, everyone gets to continue having me in their lives, so the fact that I literally pray for death every night is irrelevant.

I have never felt so trapped. Before at least I could consider suicide as the last resort if things got too heavy.
Now I realize that is not even an option for me, that I literally cannot escape this hellhole called 'existence'… I just… can't

I don't know how I continue to get up in the morning, or for how long I'll be able to keep doing it.

I'm panicked, there is literally nowhere to run.

I share all your thoughts...

 

[Mr2005]

This is correct

 

[IWantToSleep]

I can relate to this, but the pain is so unbearable that I can't keep going on for others, plus I add a lot of stress and pain in others lives so I feel like it's a double edged sword, I stay alive and make others lives unbearable or kill myself which will hurt them.

 

[Largeletters]

I agree... the vast majority don't give a shit until your body is rotting away. I'm sorry you feel so badly. I can relate.