No way out dead or alive

[InternetFloater]

Hello, this is my first post here. Everywhere else all my shit is either ignored or hit with the "Things get better", but idk, every time I think things are finally getting better, they just get worse again and it's usually because of me fucking it all up. I'm the problem in my life and everyone else's. I'm just a shitty ass person who honestly doesn't even deserve to be alive, yet I am and I'm miserable. And I can't die, because my mom will kill herself after me, even though I just want to get this like over with. I feel like I want to find someone else to kill me so that my mom won't kill herself too and try to solve my mystery or something. I don't know. I just don't want to be alive and I can't even convey how I feel because my brain doesn't give me the words I need.

I've just fucked up everyone's life. I've traumatized people, my mom and best friend even. I've hurt people. I've put people through mental torture. I'm just so done with causing people pain and even though the last thing I will ever do is cause people pain, at least it will be one last thing, and not many. I don't know. I'm disassociating, so sorry if this makes no sense. Sorry.

 

[halleyscomet]

I'm sorry that you're in so much pain. You should know however, that others actions are not your responsibility. I know it's difficult to separate yourself from their actions, but wether your mum kills herself or not is not your problem. That is her choice to make, as much as it is yours to make about your own mortality. I'm not telling you to live or die, but I think you should think about it carefully and not let the influence of others determine what you do.

Either way, I hope you find peace whatever choice you make, and welcome to the forum :)

 

[MarkSmith73]

Here is your way out. Life is extremely hard but things eventually get better. Just don't give up and give it all you've got.

 

[Linda]

Hello, this is my first post here. Everywhere else all my shit is either ignored or hit with the "Things get better", but idk, every time I think things are finally getting better, they just get worse again and it's usually because of me fucking it all up. I'm the problem in my life and everyone else's. I'm just a shitty ass person who honestly doesn't even deserve to be alive, yet I am and I'm miserable. And I can't die, because my mom will kill herself after me, even though I just want to get this like over with. I feel like I want to find someone else to kill me so that my mom won't kill herself too and try to solve my mystery or something. I don't know. I just don't want to be alive and I can't even convey how I feel because my brain doesn't give me the words I need.

I've just fucked up everyone's life. I've traumatized people, my mom and best friend even. I've hurt people. I've put people through mental torture. I'm just so done with causing people pain and even though the last thing I will ever do is cause people pain, at least it will be one last thing, and not many. I don't know. I'm disassociating, so sorry if this makes no sense. Sorry.

I think you need to figure out where your problems are coming from. If you do keep "fucking it all up" there is a reason for that. (Saying "I'm just a shitty ass person" doesn't actually get to the source of the problems, it just tells us how you are feeling.)
If you are not able to figure out for yourself what is happening, I think your only option is to talk to a therapist. A big part of their job is to look below the surface and figure out what is really happening, and why. Once you understand yourself better, you will be in a much better position to look for a solution.
Good luck.