My heart hurts to read this post, @mistoras. I can really tell that you're in excruciating amounts of pain. I know that everything is so incredibly overwhelming right now and that CTB sounds like it would be the great escape you're looking for. I don't want to judge you or shame you for that; it makes total sense why that feels like the best option. However - and I mean this in the least pro-life way possible - if you decide you want to talk to someone tonight instead of pulling the trigger, I am here. I don't know your story or your pain, but for what it is worth, I want to support you if that is something that you would want.