raindrops
Someday, eventually
- Mar 29, 2020
- 484
Friends. Lots of family around. Creating your own family. A bestfriend. Security. Stability. Happiness. A job. A career. Own home (rented or mortgage). Hobbies. Independence. People who care. Confidence. University/college. A car. Hope. Feeling needed & wanted. I am so alone. I see no way and I see no point, I am getting more and more ready. My mother died at 14, I met my partner when I was 15 -- he's gone now, he ignores me, he doesn't care anymore. I feel like a murderer or worse. I feel like a cheater, when he cheated on me and it turned me into a monster, I pushed and pushed even though I had forgiven him. I have so many beautiful memories with this person. He promised we'd grow old & grey together. From 15 - to 30 years old. The only person I have ever made love to. The only person I trusted, the only person. The only person, my one and only. The person who shown me family when my grandmother was an alcoholic. The only person who loved me so truly and I pushed him away. I have no reasons and I am getting closer I just need a nice day - no rain- no wind - a calm, easy day. And I'm gone. This time is different to 3 years ago. This time I will find the courage and accept any other pain, than this. I need and want to die for all of my mistakes and for my stupid brain, it needs to die. I need to die. I will never live positively or happy. If I stay alive I will only be thinking about being dead and wishing I never ruined my happy life I shared with someone I truly love.
