Venting No-one to talk to.. no-one to confide in

[RottingFlowerBrains]

The title of this thread relates to why I'm about to post my feelings on this site! Thanks for reading

Ever since the traumatic breakup of my relationship over 1 1/2 year's ago I have been deep troubled (I was troubled before that but this enhanced a whole new version of myself and what I would consider "troubled")
The breakup was so traumatic! Surreal. The entire course of events felt like a movie. The seven days leading up to the breakup were the game changers. We were in a awful car accident. maybe i will write about it later on in this thread if I get responses
He ended the relationship with me and he has moved on now. But I never stopped loving him ever. And I was never able to cope. This time last year I was prepared to kill myself after some solid months of trying to do things on my own and "build a life". All I could think about, cry about and dream about was my ex boyfriend Connor James Thompson-Patrick. GRIEVE the lose of him and everything i had ever known to b pure and true and home like.With whom I love with my entire heart and have for say 8 years. I made a plan to end my life after *and no hate here please* but a weekend on the fry. I was in so much pain but that weekend something happened and gave me the strength to giving life ago..
Fast forward a year and...
WELL THAT ENDED IN A SHIT FEST.
And leads me to where I am today.. living with my parents ( I'm in my early 20's)
I am still in love with my ex. And I have nightmares and flashbacks and dreams every single day and night about him. In the month I have started working again and am actively doing things in my life.. I am trying as hard as I can. I suffer with PTSD MDD & Social and Generalised Anxiety but I strive on actively battling these diseases.
I have tried to move on in my love life but am unable to deeply connect with others as I am afraid but I am deeply emotionally damaged after the whirl wind of the 7 days leading up to the break up, the breakup and every single thing that happened leading up to say this February. Which is when I escaped a terribly bad abusive situation where I was frightened.

I feel like I'm at WITS END. My life feels so empty. I miss him so much I can't stop the flashing memory and the nightmares and the dreams where he loves me. :o
I am trying to get on with things.. I have opportunitys. I am taking steps towards a better life but I still have this gaping hole inside of me that screams for Him.
nobody but him
Nobody but him.

I want to die and go and be with our son whom we lost a few years ago. I know I have purpose I know I could keep fighting but I feel like it's not for myself.
Because I will continue to ache at the loss of my bestfriend and the lover of my life and the father of my child and the person that I have trusted most in my entire life

I know I'm just another person amongst billions but I am struggling I have no-one to reach out to about this. No-one who really understands

I have a single picture of us and there is alot of meaning behind the image. I got rid of everything ages ago but I loved this man and still love him so I kept it safely. I never get it out but lately I've been wondering if I should. Maybe it will bring me healing? Nobody els is.. nothing els is..

If you made it this far.. thank you. You don't know how much a simple gesture of reading my feelings thoughts emotions and experiences means to a dull human with not a single sole to reach out to.

 

[RottingFlowerBrains]

GB You and hope you are all having a splendid Morning Afternoon or Night folks

 

[RottingFlowerBrains]

BUMP

 

[Deleted member 1768]

The title of this thread relates to why I'm about to post my feelings on this site! Thanks for reading

Ever since the traumatic breakup of my relationship over 1 1/2 year's ago I have been deep troubled (I was troubled before that but this enhanced a whole new version of myself and what I would consider "troubled")
The breakup was so traumatic! Surreal. The entire course of events felt like a movie. The seven days leading up to the breakup were the game changers. We were in a awful car accident. maybe i will write about it later on in this thread if I get responses
He ended the relationship with me and he has moved on now. But I never stopped loving him ever. And I was never able to cope. This time last year I was prepared to kill myself after some solid months of trying to do things on my own and "build a life". All I could think about, cry about and dream about was my ex boyfriend Connor James Thompson-Patrick. GRIEVE the lose of him and everything i had ever known to b pure and true and home like.With whom I love with my entire heart and have for say 8 years. I made a plan to end my life after *and no hate here please* but a weekend on the fry. I was in so much pain but that weekend something happened and gave me the strength to giving life ago..
Fast forward a year and...
WELL THAT ENDED IN A SHIT FEST.
And leads me to where I am today.. living with my parents ( I'm in my early 20's)
I am still in love with my ex. And I have nightmares and flashbacks and dreams every single day and night about him. In the month I have started working again and am actively doing things in my life.. I am trying as hard as I can. I suffer with PTSD MDD & Social and Generalised Anxiety but I strive on actively battling these diseases.
I have tried to move on in my love life but am unable to deeply connect with others as I am afraid but I am deeply emotionally damaged after the whirl wind of the 7 days leading up to the break up, the breakup and every single thing that happened leading up to say this February. Which is when I escaped a terribly bad abusive situation where I was frightened.

I feel like I'm at WITS END. My life feels so empty. I miss him so much I can't stop the flashing memory and the nightmares and the dreams where he loves me. :o
I am trying to get on with things.. I have opportunitys. I am taking steps towards a better life but I still have this gaping hole inside of me that screams for Him.
nobody but him
Nobody but him.

I want to die and go and be with our son whom we lost a few years ago. I know I have purpose I know I could keep fighting but I feel like it's not for myself.
Because I will continue to ache at the loss of my bestfriend and the lover of my life and the father of my child and the person that I have trusted most in my entire life

I know I'm just another person amongst billions but I am struggling I have no-one to reach out to about this. No-one who really understands

I have a single picture of us and there is alot of meaning behind the image. I got rid of everything ages ago but I loved this man and still love him so I kept it safely. I never get it out but lately I've been wondering if I should. Maybe it will bring me healing? Nobody els is.. nothing els is..

If you made it this far.. thank you. You don't know how much a simple gesture of reading my feelings thoughts emotions and experiences means to a dull human with not a single sole to reach out to.

Oh Flower that is the burden of grief, and it IS heavy, and healing comes when it will. I know that it seems as though nothing will stop that terrible ache, and I know that there is no one to talk to about it. But it will diminish in time. Promise. The hollow that fills me has made of me a whimpering coward. I will never be close to anyone again. 27 friends and 5 family members gone in 5 years. I was afraid to love my sons in case they too died. Not much help for them.
The PTSD that you suffer from is in truth complex PTSD. It is a diagnosis little known in the medical profession. Not listed in the DSM-5, but known to a few, a select few in medicine. It exists when the issues you are faced with have happened over and over again in a short period of time. Or, in my case, continuing...
You are not alone, and I may not be much help to you, but you really are NOT alone...

 

[RottingFlowerBrains]

Oh Flower that is the burden of grief, and it IS heavy, and healing comes when it will. I know that it seems as though nothing will stop that terrible ache, and I know that there is no one to talk to about it. But it will diminish in time. Promise. The hollow that fills me has made of me a whimpering coward. I will never be close to anyone again. 27 friends and 5 family members gone in 5 years. I was afraid to love my sons in case they too died. Not much help for them.
The PTSD that you suffer from is in truth complex PTSD. It is a diagnosis little known in the medical profession. Not listed in the DSM-5, but known to a few, a select few in medicine. It exists when the issues you are faced with have happened over and over again in a short period of time. Or, in my case, continuing...
You are not alone, and I may not be much help to you, but you really are NOT alone...

Poof thank you for taking time to respond to me.
Thank you for understanding n sharing your wisdom with me. I am very greatful.
Thank you for acknowledging my feelings..
The burden of grief.. It is heavy. I am so sorry for your losses dear Poof.. may yr friends and family rest easy

 

[Deleted member 1768]

It is alright Flower. I have to go to sleep...

 

[RottingFlowerBrains]

Sleep well

 

[RottingFlowerBrains]

THERE IS SO MUCH PAIN

 

[Deleted member 1768]

Whoosh...hi Flower. I apologize for leaving so quickly last night. Once I get really tired my vision goes as whonky as my head...duh. You went through years of unending sorrow. It holds like a huge fist around your heart, your mind. Keeps you isolated and oh so weary. Oh yeh...but you show tremendous strength Flower. You WILL conquer this. No matter the gestures, the looks of others that remind you of what has gone before.
All that you do contributes to that end. Makes the pain diminish...get smaller, and allow you to look forward to what is, and will be.
There is no shame in grief, none. That it holds you still is the measure of trauma induced again and again. I know that you can do this Flower. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind. You are pretty smart kiddo. You are here, on this forum where understanding reigns supreme. You have come this far, and you are trying to accept what is. With acceptance the answers come...really...they do. The ache will lessen further and you will be free.

 

[Firefly1]

The title of this thread relates to why I'm about to post my feelings on this site! Thanks for reading

Ever since the traumatic breakup of my relationship over 1 1/2 year's ago I have been deep troubled (I was troubled before that but this enhanced a whole new version of myself and what I would consider "troubled")
The breakup was so traumatic! Surreal. The entire course of events felt like a movie. The seven days leading up to the breakup were the game changers. We were in a awful car accident. maybe i will write about it later on in this thread if I get responses
He ended the relationship with me and he has moved on now. But I never stopped loving him ever. And I was never able to cope. This time last year I was prepared to kill myself after some solid months of trying to do things on my own and "build a life". All I could think about, cry about and dream about was my ex boyfriend Connor James Thompson-Patrick. GRIEVE the lose of him and everything i had ever known to b pure and true and home like.With whom I love with my entire heart and have for say 8 years. I made a plan to end my life after *and no hate here please* but a weekend on the fry. I was in so much pain but that weekend something happened and gave me the strength to giving life ago..
Fast forward a year and...
WELL THAT ENDED IN A SHIT FEST.
And leads me to where I am today.. living with my parents ( I'm in my early 20's)
I am still in love with my ex. And I have nightmares and flashbacks and dreams every single day and night about him. In the month I have started working again and am actively doing things in my life.. I am trying as hard as I can. I suffer with PTSD MDD & Social and Generalised Anxiety but I strive on actively battling these diseases.
I have tried to move on in my love life but am unable to deeply connect with others as I am afraid but I am deeply emotionally damaged after the whirl wind of the 7 days leading up to the break up, the breakup and every single thing that happened leading up to say this February. Which is when I escaped a terribly bad abusive situation where I was frightened.

I feel like I'm at WITS END. My life feels so empty. I miss him so much I can't stop the flashing memory and the nightmares and the dreams where he loves me. :o
I am trying to get on with things.. I have opportunitys. I am taking steps towards a better life but I still have this gaping hole inside of me that screams for Him.
nobody but him
Nobody but him.

I want to die and go and be with our son whom we lost a few years ago. I know I have purpose I know I could keep fighting but I feel like it's not for myself.
Because I will continue to ache at the loss of my bestfriend and the lover of my life and the father of my child and the person that I have trusted most in my entire life

I know I'm just another person amongst billions but I am struggling I have no-one to reach out to about this. No-one who really understands

I have a single picture of us and there is alot of meaning behind the image. I got rid of everything ages ago but I loved this man and still love him so I kept it safely. I never get it out but lately I've been wondering if I should. Maybe it will bring me healing? Nobody els is.. nothing els is..

If you made it this far.. thank you. You don't know how much a simple gesture of reading my feelings thoughts emotions and experiences means to a dull human with not a single sole to reach out to.

If you can't find anything else that motivates you to keep trying just think about your kid and what he would've wanted you to do. I am really sorry for all that you've lost and the pain you've suffered. You are always welcome to share you thoughts hear...there are many people who will be there to hear you out

 

[RottingFlowerBrains]

Whoosh...hi Flower. I apologize for leaving so quickly last night. Once I get really tired my vision goes as whonky as my head...duh. You went through years of unending sorrow. It holds like a huge fist around your heart, your mind. Keeps you isolated and oh so weary. Oh yeh...but you show tremendous strength Flower. You WILL conquer this. No matter the gestures, the looks of others that remind you of what has gone before.
All that you do contributes to that end. Makes the pain diminish...get smaller, and allow you to look forward to what is, and will be.
There is no shame in grief, none. That it holds you still is the measure of trauma induced again and again. I know that you can do this Flower. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind. You are pretty smart kiddo. You are here, on this forum where understanding reigns supreme. You have come this far, and you are trying to accept what is. With acceptance the answers come...really...they do. The ache will lessen further and you will be free.

Damn poof you deffinately have a way with words☺ thank you for sparking the match in my soul I feel like you really understand What I was expressing and I value that . Thanks for believing in me also poof and calling me smart.. it's very kind and day making

 

[RottingFlowerBrains]

Ibnk5 hope sgsub

If you can't find anything else that motivates you to keep trying just think about your kid and what he would've wanted you to do. I am really sorry for all that you've lost and the pain you've suffered. You are always welcome to share you thoughts hear...there are many people who will be there to hear you out

Thank you for taking the time to reply
Yes that is a good thing to focas on.. And thank you for your condolences. I feel very supported on this forum ♡ Hope you are having a day that's as sweet as you!