No one realizes

[vacant_n]

I just realized that one of the things making this worse for me is that no one around me seems to realize how miserable I am right now. It's not like I have many friends to begin with, but there are a few people I see on a daily or weekly basis, and while they know I'm going through a rough period in my life, I'm almost certain they have no idea I'm suicidal. I guess this is ideal in a way because no one's paying much attention to my actions, but it still hurts to be in this much pain and have others carry on as if everything is normal. It makes me feel even more isolated than I already am. I don't know if I'm just good at hiding my feelings or if it's because my PTSD makes me appear so emotionless most of the time.

 

[RedDEE]

That's what everyone does, man. Everyone is just walking around, miserable, and pretending their fine. Everyone put's on their happy-face - their mask - and goes out into the world pretending everything is okay. That's how social interaction works.

If you want people to know how miserable you are - tell them. Preferably tell a close friend or family member you trust. People aren't gonna know you're miserable if you go around wearing your happy-face and telling everyone you're just fine. Communicate.

 

[woxihuanni]

My guess is that even if you couldn't hide your feelings and showed them a bottle of SN, they wouldn't care. Believe it or not, absolutely nobody in the world cares a lot about anybody other than their spouse and possibly but necessarily, offspring. The care allotted to friends is limited, because friendship is not exclusive, irreplaceable or a huge investment. With a spouse, the brain undergoes actual physical change to pick out the spouse among other people and assign priority to them. It has an actual mechanism that makes you suffer if you lose them. With friends, not so.

So knock yourself out, unless you are genetically, economically, socially, etc. lucky enough to land a spouse, you will live and die uncared for at a deep level.

 

[alexit]

My family knows I'm suicidal. It's not a surprise. My aunt committed suicide years ago. My abusive mother once faked an attempt. (It's even more fucked up than you can imagine). Basically, my family deals in mental illness. I told my family this would be the last year they would see me, and they said, "OK." If you want to save yourself you have to save yourself.

 

[woxihuanni]

My family knows I'm suicidal. It's not a surprise. My aunt committed suicide years ago. My abusive mother once faked an attempt. (It's even more fucked up than you can imagine). Basically, my family deals in mental illness. I told my family this would be the last year they would see me, and they said, "OK." If you want to save yourself you have to save yourself.

It's slightly better than what I heard, which was 'I'm bored, you promise to die but you're still not dead. Fuck off, chop chop.' If birth family said that it'd be fine because birth family means nothing to a grown-up person, but my spouse said it.

 

[vacant_n]

If you want people to know how miserable you are - tell them. Preferably tell a close friend or family member you trust. People aren't gonna know you're miserable if you go around wearing your happy-face and telling everyone you're just fine. Communicate.

I have. I break down in tears multiple times a day. This is the most open I've ever been about my emotional state. I just stop short of saying I want to die because I don't want to end up in a psychiatric ward again, especially right now.

 

[woxihuanni]

Your spouse sounds like a charmer. Isn't there some way to get away from that monster?

There is, it is death. Don't think that they want to keep me and use me/abuse me: Though they enjoy my services, they prefer my death to all of them. I'm extremely low-maintenance and useful but they still prefer my death. For instance, I don't even speak unless I am spoken to because I'm not allowed and disappear in my room when I have completed all services. But my existence is still too much.

 

[woxihuanni]

That describes the first 18 years of my life as an only child in my parents house.

I'm sorry you have the experience to relate...

 

[vacant_n]

People don't know what to say. What is it you would like them to say or do? If you don't have conversations very often of a mutually sympathetic nature they probably don't have any idea how to handle this.

I don't know. I have no idea what I want anyone to do or say. The only person I'm used to having conversations like this with is my ex and he can't tell me anything I want to hear right now. I guess I just want to imagine a situation where I'm able to get through this but I can't. The amount of effort it takes to even get up and go to work right now is more than I can handle.