Venting no one knows me

[batmanreal]

i plan to continue isolating myself and not allowing anyone to get close, so i suppose this shouldn't even bother me.

i never fit in anywhere. i can hold conversations with people, function well in groups with a very minimal amount of awkwardness. i don't think other people see me as someone who doesn't fit in, but that's not really what i'm talking about. with enough practice and observation, anyone can hold any sort of conversation and fit into any group. i just get a sense of the group's humor, what they're talking about, how they behave, and i act accordingly. i thought things would be fine and i would feel like less of an antisocial failure as long as i could function in social situations, but even with those skills, i'm still the same. i'm still lonely, i never truly feel connected with anyone. i feel like shit, some people think that they click so well with me, but they really don't. it makes me feel guilty, i feel like i'm constantly leading people on. even if i share a ton of interests and experiences with someone, i still fail to truly connect with them. when i stop trying to fit in, no one likes me. if someone still likes me at that point, they still fail to connect with me.

i've noticed that no one knows anything about me. even before i starting placing these walls and distancing myself from others, it seems like no one ever really knew me. it's not even a matter of me not giving people time to know me, this remains the same with people that i get very close with and talk to for years. i have this issue with my family as well.
i've had so many people outright tell me that they can't really get a read on me, that they feel as if they don't know me, stuff like that. again, a lot of this happened even when i was trying to let people in. obviously, there are many people who are so certain that they know/understand me, but they clearly don't. even if someone learns about all my interests, my entire history and experiences; they still just don't know me. they can get all the trivia down, every meaningless detail of the stupid shit that i like and everything i've done throughout my life; but they don't seem to understand me on a deeper level. they make assumptions on my personality that end up being so far off from how i actually am. sometimes, they'll describe me to someone else and i don't even recognize who they're describing. i could provide more examples, but i'm tired. i don't know what it is or what i'm doing wrong. i'm not some deep, mysterious, super epic and complex sigma, and tbh, i don't want to be. there's just nothing there, i guess.
maybe this is why no one ever sticks around, no matter how much i do for them or how hard i try to make them stay. why would someone stick around someone who's basically a husk?
there's something so inherently wrong about me, i hate myself. i don't know what this is. of course, people connect through shared experiences and interests, but even with these things, some people just don't connect. some personalities just don't click, but it's not that. i can click with someone well enough to be close with them and talk to them constantly for years, there's just some other factor that's preventing me from genuinely connecting with someone. maybe i've been subconsciously pushing people away my whole life, maybe i'm just a truly hollow person and there's simply nothing to me, idk.
i've noticed that a lot of people feel this way and have similar experiences, but i still can't find a decent answer for anything.

 

[offbalance]

Idk what to say but I can relate that's all I'll say. It's like I'll push people away before we can fully connect. It's something wrong with me that makes me act the way I do but it's hard to be able to stop it

 

[ManOfTheYear]

Cause the connection you are looking for doesn't exist. Its fairytale thinking, and I understand the want and crave. But reality is the animals are eating eachother outside and we as humans are no different. When others smell runt on you, it will never change and is ingrained into our society so deep there is a collective unconsciousness about the awareness of this stigma. Only you know you, only you have lived your life, only you will ever understand yourself. No matter what, we are all alone.