Archness
Defective Personel
- Jan 20, 2023
- 577
No one knows I wanna ctb. In fact, they think I'm outright incapable of those feelings.
Back in the school, in a singular instance, I was thinking about ctb. At this time, this was quite a rare and temporary occurrence.
I was just right outside the cafeteria during lunch. I just didn't feel like existing, but a small group of students tried to interact with me, the funni autist class clown. I didn't just give zero-shits, I gave negative-shits; At that moment, I spoke, with the most genuine, no bs, straightforward way I ever spoke, that I wanted to jump of a bridge and die.
Guess what happened? Nothing, literally. Didn't register, just another trash out my damn mouth, continued as normal, like nothing happened, unfazed!
When I was failing school cuz I couldn't be bothered with my own life, what was their diagnosis? I was too stupid, dumb, and lazy to do the work. They won't say it outright because it's "Incorrect", but I could tell it's what they thought about me in some way ("Ohh, you just need extra-help...").
Living NEET life? Oh, lazy and incompetent. It feels like people can't entertain the idea there's other problems then "incompetent" with me, as if I'm incapable of having thought beyond low-iq-behavior.
Tho I guess I'm mostly the one to blame for that, automatically answering "yes" when asked "Are you okay"? But I know saying "no" would only lead to more problems : Rejected, just told to "Knock It off", and/or directed to a stranger(therapist). That's all that can happen with anyone I can talk to (outside of SaSu), stranger or not.
Even with SaSu, it's not really a place where people turn their lives around, heal, or improve. It's where they come to die, to kill themselves.
Knowing that, I came here. I'll suddenly be found dead by suicide.
No one will know until it's too late, and that's good, it's already the case.
Back in the school, in a singular instance, I was thinking about ctb. At this time, this was quite a rare and temporary occurrence.
I was just right outside the cafeteria during lunch. I just didn't feel like existing, but a small group of students tried to interact with me, the funni autist class clown. I didn't just give zero-shits, I gave negative-shits; At that moment, I spoke, with the most genuine, no bs, straightforward way I ever spoke, that I wanted to jump of a bridge and die.
Guess what happened? Nothing, literally. Didn't register, just another trash out my damn mouth, continued as normal, like nothing happened, unfazed!
When I was failing school cuz I couldn't be bothered with my own life, what was their diagnosis? I was too stupid, dumb, and lazy to do the work. They won't say it outright because it's "Incorrect", but I could tell it's what they thought about me in some way ("Ohh, you just need extra-help...").
Living NEET life? Oh, lazy and incompetent. It feels like people can't entertain the idea there's other problems then "incompetent" with me, as if I'm incapable of having thought beyond low-iq-behavior.
Tho I guess I'm mostly the one to blame for that, automatically answering "yes" when asked "Are you okay"? But I know saying "no" would only lead to more problems : Rejected, just told to "Knock It off", and/or directed to a stranger(therapist). That's all that can happen with anyone I can talk to (outside of SaSu), stranger or not.
Even with SaSu, it's not really a place where people turn their lives around, heal, or improve. It's where they come to die, to kill themselves.
Knowing that, I came here. I'll suddenly be found dead by suicide.
No one will know until it's too late, and that's good, it's already the case.
