Venting No one cares that I want to die.

[rainonme]

I think I am looking for those words..."I'll be there for you..."..."I don't want you to die..."...but they never come.

Not from my own mother and not from my partner. It makes me feel like yes, this is the right decision.
There is nothing to be done. I am simply a burden.

I told my mom directly that I was going to kill myself and she sort of smiled before saying that someone must be putting stuff in my head. No one's putting stuff in my head, if anything, you are making it worse and you don't want to accept that.

I don't know about my partner. I'm tired of bothering them. I know that the more I spiral the less attractive I become to them because they don't have patience. And that's ok. A partner isn't a therapist.

I have accepted that I am incapable of dealing with pain and suffering. I don't see the point if I only get a few fragments of happiness in my life. Not even love has become to be enough.
'

 

[4eyebiped]

This is a profound topic, beyond the comprehension of most. Sometimes people simply don't take it serious because the idea is so foreign to them. Their interpretation is that of hyperbole. It often isn't because they don't care, it is often they simply don't understand. The times that they do, they can have odd responses because they are in shock and feel helpless not knowing what to do or so.

If I was there I would give you a long comforting hug. Everyone needs one. I can tell a lot about you from your writings and I think you are valuable and I am sure those close to you do as well. I wish they were able to express it to you daily as you deserve, unsolicited.

 

[rainonme]

This is a profound topic, beyond the comprehension of most. Sometimes people simply don't take it serious because the idea is so foreign to them. Their interpretation is that of hyperbole. It often isn't because they don't care, it is often they simply don't understand. The times that they do, they can have odd responses because they are in shock and feel helpless not knowing what to do or so.

If I was there I would give you a long comforting hug. Everyone needs one. I can tell a lot about you from your writings and I think you are valuable and I am sure those close to you do as well. I wish they were able to express it to you daily as you deserve, unsolicited.

Thank you. I wish I could get a hug. You are very kind.

 

[disabledandhopeless]

I relate to this. They don't care. When I tell them they just tell me to go ahead and die. But I don't want anyone to do something to prevent my plans from happening too because I'm afraid I'll lose my freedom to ctb. Don't really know what I want...

 

[rainonme]

I relate to this. They don't care. When I tell them they just tell me to go ahead and die. But I don't want anyone to do something to prevent my plans from happening too because I'm afraid I'll lose my freedom to ctb. Don't really know what I want...

I think you want to be cared for.
We want compassion.
But we still want the option to be free.

 

[cant cry]

There are very compassionate people in the world who would be upset if you died, even if they don't know you. It's unfortunate that sometimes the ones we're closest to seem to care so little.

But I think also that a lot of people don't know how to deal with talk of depression and suicide. They hope it's just a phase you're going through. They don't take your words seriously until it happens and it's too late.
Or they may be concerned, but are scared of saying the wrong thing and making you feel worse. People get uncomfortable talking or thinking about death in general.

I'm sorry you feel so uncared for by people who should be the most supportive. (A lot of us here can relate). I don't know if they really are so calloused or are just being ignorant since I don't know them, but if you reach out to the right people, you can often find the kindness you need.

 

[irreversibledamage]

Maybe they're in denial of the idea of ctb. My family never believes me, they think I'm making jokes and that it's just the product of poor mental health, they think I will take the magic pills and I will live (what they think is) a wonderful life.

 

[madbananas]

I think I am looking for those words..."I'll be there for you..."..."I don't want you to die..."...but they never come.

Not from my own mother and not from my partner. It makes me feel like yes, this is the right decision.
There is nothing to be done. I am simply a burden.

I told my mom directly that I was going to kill myself and she sort of smiled before saying that someone must be putting stuff in my head. No one's putting stuff in my head, if anything, you are making it worse and you don't want to accept that.

I don't know about my partner. I'm tired of bothering them. I know that the more I spiral the less attractive I become to them because they don't have patience. And that's ok. A partner isn't a therapist.

I have accepted that I am incapable of dealing with pain and suffering. I don't see the point if I only get a few fragments of happiness in my life. Not even love has become to be enough.
'

I feel the same. Sorry this is happening. People intervene when I have tried to ctb in the past yet will never say the words "I don't want you to die".

 

[Fedrea]

I think I am looking for those words..."I'll be there for you..."..."I don't want you to die..."...but they never come.

Not from my own mother and not from my partner. It makes me feel like yes, this is the right decision.
There is nothing to be done. I am simply a burden.

I told my mom directly that I was going to kill myself and she sort of smiled before saying that someone must be putting stuff in my head. No one's putting stuff in my head, if anything, you are making it worse and you don't want to accept that.

I don't know about my partner. I'm tired of bothering them. I know that the more I spiral the less attractive I become to them because they don't have patience. And that's ok. A partner isn't a therapist.

I have accepted that I am incapable of dealing with pain and suffering. I don't see the point if I only get a few fragments of happiness in my life. Not even love has become to be enough.
'

I care. I don't want you to die if there is still hope of you getting better.

 

[DoNotLet2]

Relatable I have the same. No one cares I don't know why.

 

[that_guy2611]

Welcome to the club, that's the case for most of us.

 

[Weightoftheworld]

I've had people tell me, 'I'm waiting for the day I get news that you killed yourself.', and 'You're really fucked up in the head.'
I feel like people don't know how to react, what to say. I say things all the time like, 'I'd rather step in front of a train than be here.' or 'I'd pay someone to kill me right now.'
I don't really hide how I feel, yet no one cares even still.

 

[Nem]

Sorry to hear about your situation
I think if no one cared it would make it easier to ctb overall, I have some people that care and it makes it tougher to ctb. Are you dealing with a long term illness?
Peace/hugs

 

[mpnf]

I've been there. I mean not that others feel pity for me for wanting to end it all but the part when you really need to be important to others and to feel that someone cares about you so that you feel you fit in this society....I wanted that so badly in the past, the aprecciation of others....not anymore since a long time. You are the only person that should matter whether you commit suicide or not.
Your life is about you. If you are not sick except for depression , (I know depression is a mental disorder but it can be bereable , at least for me it was, compared to others). You can try to start caring more about yourself and not to expect so much from others. That's never good, you're the one getting hurt in the end.
Try to start getting thoughts into your head that validate who you really are, don't need others to tell you.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Usually, I don't think it's that people don't care, it's simply that they are not emotionally equiped to cope with a subject that strikes fear into their hearts. It's easier for them to ignore or dismiss it. Most people may be like this, only a few very compassionate souls will have the capacity to engage on such a serious subject, often precisely because they have experience of feeling that way.
Also, if they accept this dialogue with you, it effectively puts a responsibility on them to ensure you are okay. Maybe it shouldn't, but many people will feel this and can't deal with that responsibility.

 

[GirlInBlue]

Rainonme, I don't know much about you I can tell you honestly that I care. A lot of the time, family and friends can react this way out of a lack of understanding, not out of a lack of love. I don't think they would be sticking around if you were "simply a burden". Of course, your feelings are still valid, and I can definitely see why their reactions are so hurtful. I don't tell people about my plans to CTB partially out of fear of exactly that kind of reaction.
I hope you can find the compassion and love you are looking for. If not, this site is always here for you.

 

[rainonme]

Usually, I don't think it's that people don't care, it's simply that they are not emotionally equiped to cope with a subject that strikes fear into their hearts. It's easier for them to ignore or dismiss it. Most people may be like this, only a few very compassionate souls will have the capacity to engage on such a serious subject, often precisely because they have experience of feeling that way.
Also, if they accept this dialogue with you, it effectively puts a responsibility on them to ensure you are okay. Maybe it shouldn't, but many people will feel this and can't deal with that responsibility.

Yes, but my mother...doesn't she hold some responsibility over me...?

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Yes, but my mother...doesn't she hold some responsibility over me...?

One would hope she would feel some responsibility, yes. But that won't stop it being hard for her to accept. People can brush things under the carpet when they don't want to face them. Hopefully, if you continue to talk to her, maybe she will listen.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I've had people tell me, 'I'm waiting for the day I get news that you killed yourself.', and 'You're really fucked up in the head.'
I feel like people don't know how to react, what to say. I say things all the time like, 'I'd rather step in front of a train than be here.' or 'I'd pay someone to kill me right now.'
I don't really hide how I feel, yet no one cares even still.

These are just my thoughts that your comment inspired in me. No judgment on you, just analysis from an outside, unattached perspective. It's about my response to your comment, not about you as person or what you experience, so I hope you don't take it as one more person dumping on you or not understanding, that's not at all what's coming from my heart here. I hope you'll take from it only what you find useful and empowering, and reject what you don't.

Your situation sounds really challenging. On the one hand, I can understand someone saying they expect they'll learn that you've killed yourself because you've stated the intention multiple times. It sounds like they have accepted that this is your intention. But it's not a direct statement of how you feel, which would be something like, "I am sad and this is what it feels like," or "I feel hopeless and this is what it feels like." Then, if one wants a response, what response? One would need to ask for it directly, such as, "Can you comfort me," "What is your perspective," "What would you do if you were me," " Do you care, and if yes, how would you show me that," etc.

Saying you're really fucked up in the head is dismissive, negating, and condemning. It could be that because of how you communicate your feelings, they view only the action your feelings are leading you to, and to them that's a sign of abnormal behavior. It could also be that they are by nature dismissive, negating, and condemning, which is their problem and not anything to do with you except that they dump it on you. Maybe they feel dumped on or attacked by what you say and fight back with such comments to take away their power, but maybe they're that way with anyone or anything that doesn't fit in their personal narrative of how things should be and how people should act. I don't know them, but perhaps, if you seek it, this will help you to figure out why they say what they do, and what you want to do with that knowledge.

 

[I’mDone]

I think that most people who have never experienced severe depression or suicidality don't have the vocabulary to understand the concept. They hear the words but they, like most people, are so conditioned to believe that staying alive at all costs is the only option, that they genuinely cannot comprehend that someone is suicidal.

It's not even that they don't have the appropriate response, their minds can't process suicidal ideation as a reality. In their universe it's so unthinkable that anybody could seriously contemplate taking their own life, that the brain only hears what it's programmed to hear. Like reading those sentences with repeated words or missing letters that only become apparent when it's pointed out.

I feel that this is the main reason that after a suicide the majority of people will express surprise and say they had no idea that the deceased was so depressed, that the suicide was totally unexpected.

When I told my partner (who I still talk to despite not living together for the past 2 years) that my plans were made and materials obtained, she suggested I get a cat. Seriously.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Yes, but my mother...doesn't she hold some responsibility over me...?

I think that adults have responsibilities to one another in the interest of a mutually beneficial, reciprocal relationship.

But I do not think that adults hold responsibility over one another. They are separate, autonomous individuals, each responsible for their own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Otherwise, if your mother holds responsibility over you and you break a law, she will go to jail, either with you or instead of you.

 

[Oh so tired]

So sorry you feel uncared for, all anyone wants really is to feel loved and wanted. I also feel that if I mention thoughts about dying (though I rarely discuss it) it is dismissed or not taken seriously. That's OK, I think talk of suicide scares people, and people genuinely don't know how to respond, I wonder if this is the case with your family?
I don't know you at all but from reading your post I can hear your pain and distress and I care

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I think you've had some really good responses here, I hope it may help a little in understanding her possible perspective. I've found that with a suicidal mindset you often have to be accomodating of other people's mindsets whilst understanding that their default position is that they won't be automatically accomodating of yours.

 

[rainonme]

I think you've had some really good responses here, I hope it may help a little in understanding her possible perspective. I've found that with a suicidal mindset you often have to be accomodating of other people's mindsets whilst understanding that their default position is that they won't be automatically accomodating of yours.

That you...that's very positive. I almost even feel a bit calmer...

There are very compassionate people in the world who would be upset if you died, even if they don't know you. It's unfortunate that sometimes the ones we're closest to seem to care so little.

But I think also that a lot of people don't know how to deal with talk of depression and suicide. They hope it's just a phase you're going through. They don't take your words seriously until it happens and it's too late.
Or they may be concerned, but are scared of saying the wrong thing and making you feel worse. People get uncomfortable talking or thinking about death in general.

I'm sorry you feel so uncared for by people who should be the most supportive. (A lot of us here can relate). I don't know if they really are so calloused or are just being ignorant since I don't know them, but if you reach out to the right people, you can often find the kindness you need.

You are right. There are some people who just know the right things to say to a suicidal person. I have a distant friend who is good at it, but of course, I'm not going to bother him every time I feel like CTB.

I guess I expected more or the same from those that are close to me.

 

[Epsilon0]

I think that most people who have never experienced severe depression or suicidality don't have the vocabulary to understand the concept.

So true! It's like asking someone to imagine what it's like to have wings and fly.

It's impossible to understand.

 

[rainonme]

Maybe they're in denial of the idea of ctb. My family never believes me, they think I'm making jokes and that it's just the product of poor mental health, they think I will take the magic pills and I will live (what they think is) a wonderful life.

By magic pills you mean antidepressants?

I feel the same. Sorry this is happening. People intervene when I have tried to ctb in the past yet will never say the words "I don't want you to die".

It's definitely a statement I'd like to hear from those closest to me...

Sorry to hear about your situation❤
I think if no one cared it would make it easier to ctb overall, I have some people that care and it makes it tougher to ctb. Are you dealing with a long term illness?
Peace/hugs❤

No long term illness, unless you count the depression. I've been dealing with it since I was in middle school. I was a cutter. Every time I think my life is getting better something ruins it. Happiness is very fleeting. I have become a person who loves giving love, though I wish I stayed being coldhearted. It was better for my mental health to have apathy.

You can try to start caring more about yourself and not to expect so much from others. That's never good, you're the one getting hurt in the end.
Try to start getting thoughts into your head that validate who you really are, don't need others to tell you.

Unfortunately, I have changed a lot...apathy for everyone and everything else when I was younger is what used to stop me from ever thinking of CTB. Why should I, if I'm the only one that matters? However, love has overtaken my heart. It's difficult to do things for yourself when you can only think of others. I live for validation now, unfortuately.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Unfortunately, happiness is indeed fleeting. I remember something an old school friend used to say...
"It's a wonderful day, watch some bastard go and ruin it."

 

[Epsilon0]

Unfortunately, happiness is indeed fleeting. I remember something an old school friend used to say...
"It's a wonderful day, watch some bastard go and ruin it."

Sometimes it doesn't even take a bastard. The wonderful day ruins itself.

 

[irreversibledamage]

By magic pills you mean antidepressants?

yes, antidepressants, I should have written it using quotes because I referred to the way my family think about them.

 

[Weightoftheworld]

These are just my thoughts that your comment inspired in me. No judgment on you, just analysis from an outside, unattached perspective. It's about my response to your comment, not about you as person or what you experience, so I hope you don't take it as one more person dumping on you or not understanding, that's not at all what's coming from my heart here. I hope you'll take from it only what you find useful and empowering, and reject what you don't.

Your situation sounds really challenging. On the one hand, I can understand someone saying they expect they'll learn that you've killed yourself because you've stated the intention multiple times. It sounds like they have accepted that this is your intention. But it's not a direct statement of how you feel, which would be something like, "I am sad and this is what it feels like," or "I feel hopeless and this is what it feels like." Then, if one wants a response, what response? One would need to ask for it directly, such as, "Can you comfort me," "What is your perspective," "What would you do if you were me," " Do you care, and if yes, how would you show me that," etc.

Saying you're really fucked up in the head is dismissive, negating, and condemning. It could be that because of how you communicate your feelings, they view only the action your feelings are leading you to, and to them that's a sign of abnormal behavior. It could also be that they are by nature dismissive, negating, and condemning, which is their problem and not anything to do with you except that they dump it on you. Maybe they feel dumped on or attacked by what you say and fight back with such comments to take away their power, but maybe they're that way with anyone or anything that doesn't fit in their personal narrative of how things should be and how people should act. I don't know them, but perhaps, if you seek it, this will help you to figure out why they say what they do, and what you want to do with that knowledge.

I appreciate your reply. Anyone who knows me even slightly knows I'm not good with emotions, I don't like being touched or hugged. The only feeling I have with the medication I'm on is anger (it's a major side effect), so there isn't much to discuss. To be honest, the things that are said don't bother me, I know they're true, even if said in a demeaning manner. Maybe it's relieving even, that when I do CTB, it won't be so much of a shock to people.